sorry so long--needed to vent

This is so complicated. 

My husband of 6 years.... We fight almost daily. I’ve been called every name in the book and have found myself in constant fight or flight mode. My guard is always up, I never feel relaxed, and like being alone.  

We separated for a year but ended up getting back together. In the beginning he did seem different... in a good way. I thought my prayers were answered, but now I’m realizing you can’t make someone change. He always seems to be against me and puts me down way more than he lifts me up. Thinking about it, he only says nice, supportive things to me when I point out that he never does. He says he’s just “sarcastic” and tells me that I need to quit whining and being so sensitive.  

I can understand that he’s sarcastic, and I’m not used to being around that, but that doesn’t explain the way he treats me. He tells me I’m crazy and I spend too much time trying to complete easy things. That is very hurtful to me because I have noticed recently that my memory is not as good, and I do forget things often.  

I feel like I’m in fight or flight mode because I’m always on edge, stressing about making sure his things get done the way he wants them to. I have to keep his clothes washed and folded in a certain way, animals taken care of, and other silly things or wifely duties. Well, they seem silly to me, but he has let me have it before when I “forgot” to do something that he demanded, so now it feels it’s crucial or a priority over everything else... At least if I want a somewhat peaceful day.  

He does make me feel like I’m a huge problem, I’ve lost my friends (I think because he would accuse me of things when I went out with them that were not true, so subconsciously I thought it was better not to spend time with anyone if he wasn’t around. I do not have a close relationship with my family for other reasons, but he uses this against me to make me believe that I am the actual problem. Then, not admitting that this is what’s happening, he accuses me of being controlling because I always want to be with him. It’s crazy how I’ve become this way when this isn’t me at all.  

He’s a great person when we’re around other people. That’s why I’m happiest when we’re around other people, but at the same time it makes me depressed because I’m living a fake life pretending to be happy. 

I do love him, and I’ve convinced myself that this is what I want...to be married, with a nice job, and a somewhat perfect life... except for all of this.  

I’ve been researching my short-term memory loss and read that when dealing with a narcissistic person for so long, it can cause short-term memory loss. I’m not sure of the true definition of a narcissist, or if this is true about my situation, but everything makes sense thinking that he is one. He criticizes me for forgetting things, but maybe he’s the reason why I can’t remember. 

When I stepped back and tried to remember what I used to want out of life, it was to find my person, my partner, my best friend... to share life with and to support each other. The world is a horrible place sometimes, so having one person to try to make things better seemed like all I would need. 

I am an animal lover, and he likes animals too but only ones that are his. He doesn’t like my dog that we got together. He gives me such a hard time because I feed the neighborhood stray cats and “jokes” about running them over. 

I know people are going to argue, but I do not think what we argue about is healthy or normal. Sorry, such a long post, I guess I had a lot of venting to do since I do hold everything in. I know others on here have problems that are a lot worse than mine, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this or has any advice.