7 Easy-to-Miss Signs of Relationship Trouble

"Few feelings are worse in a relationship than being blindsided. Major relationship problems shouldn’t sneak up on you. Breakups shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s demoralizing and embarrassing.

The truth is, though, that those unexpected issues and surprise breakups or divorces are rarely as sudden as they seem. The signs were most likely there. If you never saw it coming, you probably didn’t know what to look for.

What Should I Look For?

The signs won’t be obvious. If partners advertised that they’re having doubts, or thinking about ending things, this would be easy. Inevitably your partner won’t clearly communicate about looming trouble because they may not fully realize it themselves. That means you’re going to have to read the not-so-obvious clues.

You may wonder, “If the signs are so slight that they’re hard to notice, how threatening could they be?” Well, the fact is that big problems in relationships don’t happen all at once. No one wakes up one day and decides to cheat out of the blue. Partners don’t go from perfectly happy to contemplating divorce overnight.

Rather, problems have a way of accumulating until they become too much to handle. Our emotional connection slowly fades, while relationship satisfaction erodes little by little over time. That makes it hard to notice and hard to believe it’s a real problem. But it’s a death by a thousand papercuts until one day, the wounds are too deep to heal.

Thankfully, being savvier about recognizing issues early allows you to do something about them before they ruin everything.

The 7 Subtle Signs

Here’s what you need to look out for so you can see trouble coming and, more importantly, take steps to prevent a disastrous outcome.

1. You have to care to share.

Early in your relationship, you and your partner shared everything with each other. Your hopes, dreams, fears, and failures were all laid out in the open. Those long, heartfelt conversations brought you closer together. And as you grew closer, you became more comfortable being vulnerable and sharing even more.

But here’s the thing: Partners won’t just come out and say, “I want to be less close,” but they may start sharing less. That’s why it’s worth noticing if either of you becomes increasingly superficial with what you’re willing to disclose.

Be careful here: Every conversation can’t be emotional and deep. Sometimes, we really just need to figure out what we want for dinner. But if all of your conversations trend toward the super practical and mundane, and you aren’t having any meaningful discussions (especially about the future or the relationship itself), it can indicate that one (or both) of you is pulling away.

2. Effort matters.

We all want our relationship to be fun and exciting. At some point, though, life inevitably intercedes, and things start to slow down. You have to go to work, pay bills, and be an adult with responsibilities.

That calm stability is a natural part of a relationship’s evolution. But while comfort is one thing, complacency and laziness are another. You don’t want to resign yourself to a life of boredom.

Being indifferent to an unexciting relationship can be a sign that it is no longer a priority. If it isn’t a priority, it can make it seem pointless to put in any effort or to have fun together. That’s a problem because great relationships take work and require that couples keep dating. Being comfortable is good, but don't mistake that for laziness or apathy.

3. Feelings about friends.

How much do you like your partner's friends? How do they feel about your friends? The answers to those questions are subtle indicators of your relationship’s future. Research finds that as long as partners like each other’s friends, you’re fine (Fiori et al., 2018).

However, if there’s a lot of negativity, look out. Especially in the early part of marriage, a husband’s negative feelings about the wife's friends matter more (and are more predictive of divorce) than how the wife feels about the husband’s friends.

In that study, what was it that made husbands dislike their wives’ friends? Often, the answer was meddling. When husbands felt their wife’s friends interfered in the marriage, divorce was much more likely.

What to Do

These subtle signs can give you the inside scoop and offer insights into what your partner is thinking. But don’t go overboard. You could be missing other signals or reading something wrong. Instead of going into full-fledged detective mode, the best thing to do is have a conversation with your partner:

• Ask if everything’s OK, or if anything is going on.
• You can also be more specific and address one of the seven subtle signs: “I noticed X. Should I read anything into that?”
• Or, you can address the state of the relationship more generally: “I’m feeling a little disconnected lately. How about you? Let’s make an effort to get back on track.”

Relationships troubles don’t magically appear. You don’t want to be surprised. You want some warning, and the key is to know where to look. There are clues along the way.

Subtle signs aren’t dealbreakers that guarantee impending doom. They are, however, like the “check engine” light in your car: an indication that something isn’t quite right and needs your attention. Being aware of these hard-to-notice signals could allow you to spot issues before they grow out of control and threaten your relationship’s future."

*Relationship troubles build up a little at a time. Partners can become frustrated and then one day, it just becomes too overwhelming and the relationship is in serious trouble. The trick is to keep on top of it and try to figure things out along the way. You should be able to recognize when things don't feel right and this is when communication is important. It's important to not attack each other, but communicate respectfully. What are some other signs of possible relationship troubles?*

#RelationshipIssues #BreakUps #RelationshipProblems

For the full list of the 7 signs, please refer to Psychology Today.

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