Am I back to square 1? Is there no way forward from here? ADVICE??
Me and my ex gf of 5 years + 7 years friendship, have split up since August now, yet a month later, we started talking again, seeing eachother, dating, events, going out with friends, sleeping together occasionally etc. Been really good, like we had started fresh.
Had a big chat, said she'd had dated someone and hated it (didn't bother me at all, but she stressed about telling me ) and told me that'd we take this relationship slowly, by not moving back in with me, until ready. Which I solely accepted, as nothing was more important, then to fix our relationship.
And then, 4 weeks later, I start to feel like she's playing hard to get, which is the point where I think am I being taken for a ride here and was racking my brain, while trying to be strong at the same time.
So the week after, we go for a nice walk, but found out that I had started vaping, which she doesn't like and I get her reasons. But, I had told her why I was, due to the fact I was finding circumstances difficult between me and her, because I didn't know where and stand. I also had lost a lot of work and have the burden of a unfinished house over my head. So I was kinda stressed, which I had told her, once we finished our walk... I asked her the question, where are we going between me and you, because I need to know, are we just friends or are we working on this relationship? ( I can't do friends right as I fear I'll be dropped off.)
She broke down and said do I have to make the decision now, I said no, but I'm telling you now how I'm feeling, so just think about it.
The week progressed, was good, was texting all day and I called here occasionally before she started at work, which she likes.
So Friday, I asked if she fancied a meal out and we did. It was a nice night, but could tell that this question hanged over our heads. We went to the car and we had another big chat.
She started tearing up, said the past month had been good, that she felt happy, safe and relaxed, but was fearful of the same result happening in our relationship, losing the spark between eachother and kind of forgetting one another due to responsibilities, which causes us to argue and damages her thoughts especially of us. And, cause of this she said, I don't see us together right now, but I see a future together and want to have kids.... At this point, I said you can't say that to me, how long do I wait for and what if I don't come back? It's not a gamble.
I highlighted these points to her and said the main issue is we don't communicate with one another, as we try to avoid the confrontation, but doesn't work. And that we've gotten to tied up with our own responsibilities (me especially with this house!) That we had kinda neglected eachother.
I stressed how we could progress in a different way, by dedicating one day a week to spend time with eachother while doing our own thing to build our own wellbeing living separately and that we'd even go counseling a couple weeks in. As we both said at the time that we have such a long past between us, it's alot to lose.
We both agreed! that this was the way forward and that was what we would do. Both smiling and tearful, but felt up most joy.
Yet, the next morning a text came... She changed her mind and sent me off with a goodbye, as for thinking the same result will happen, yet says, time will see and heal us.
I said fine, but I can't be having around for you no more. And she replied sorry, I understand.
BACK TO SQUARE 1. Any advice or what to do guys, thanks?
@Monky94,
thanks for sharing, and for expressing your thoughts and feelings.
I can relate to your story.
What you are doing so far will not take you back to square one, it will take you back to no square at all.
She has, implicitly, asked you for space. What you have been doing is to pressurize her.
No, she can't and won't give you any guarantees, she needs to sort herself out first. And you can help her by respecting her need for space. Nothing wrong with occasionally reaching out, but don't go like "how long do I wait?". That is THE perfect way of pushing her away from you.
You say communication is the issue. That seems like something that sort of is commonly accepted.
I disagree. The issue is mutual understanding. Without mutual understanding there is not a single chance on healthy communication. And in order to mutually understand each other, you need to be aware that you are not always on the same plane, heck, you might be on a totally different plane 24/7. So, actually it starts with awareness.
Spending lots of time together, sleeping together will not help to be aware, to step out, to be and look at the situation from a distance, as a spectator, and see all possible steps you can take.
I do understand feeling uncertain, like a gamble, not knowing what the outcome might be. I find that very very difficult to deal with, and it creates thoughts, you get emotional, you HAVE to talk about it, and most likely you will only do damage.
Do your own thing, do not worry about the future, you have no idea what the future looks like. And if you think you might know, you get a text message saying she changed her mind.
So why worry? You will only be driving yourself nuts. And yes, this is a tough situation, yet in a way it is a simple and easy situation. What I mean is that the situation is as complicated as your thoughts and emotions make it.
Try to apply mindfulness when you have, likely stressful, thoughts. Take a deep slow breathe, don't use any effort. Start focusing on breathing, until I feel you have eased down. Then, ask you true self, your being, your heart what is the bet way to deal with this situation. Do not think, if you notice you start thinking on it then you are not at ease. Whatever comes up first, go with that.
I am in a similar situation, it involves a lot of damage, pain, marriage counseling, a wife who filed for divorce, and two people who yet love each other beyond words. I have a genuine, pure love for my wife, unconditional, don't want a divorce, I do understand (understanding, important!), and I am "taking a gamble".
My wife is sort of in control as for what she can and cannot/won't offer. She wants space, puts down her boundaries in a clear and (that is how it feels) a blunt and harsh way. Not easy, and that is an understatement. So I can "let it be" as in, let in the situation, and accept it, or not.
I don't know why the two of you originally broke up but counseling might be a good idea. Counseling does not mean "coming back together", it focuses on better communicating and, if you find the "right" therapist, on being present, being aware, mutual understanding, and not reliving the past.
Warmth and love to both of you.
Thanks for the reply and advice!
This is what I had feared, when you say I was pressurising her. When I should of maybe explained my feelings only. Not demanding an awnser..
I agree, mutual understanding is important as the communication won't exactly work! And, I will respect her decisions and commit to them. While looking in from the outside.
Having said that however, it is likely we'll see eachother this weekend as we have to swap our vehicle's over. Anyway, I could surpress the situation, while being mindful?
It sounds like you're in a deeper situation then me and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that the divorce doesn't go through (unless you've come to that decision and want to) while wishing you well.
The reason we broke up was because she didn't feel a spark, like we'd forgotten who eachother were, while other disagreements caused us to argue, which made the relationship between us worse. Nothing ever seriously bad happened, both loyal and commited. But, really feel that we had misplaced our priorities over one enough, blowing out the spark.
Thanks again, it's nice to have a chat about it, but a decent one!
