Am I being controlling or am I right for having strict boundaries
Me and my partner have been together nearly 5yrs now.
About 8 months in a suffered badly with depression but hid it from her....this resulted in me neglecting her.
Around this time she asked me if it was OK to go round to an old work colleagues house (male) for a catchup because he was apparently going through a tough time.
I initially said no because I don't believe that someone in a relationship should be spending time alone in private with someone of the opposite sex (depending on sexuality).
This caused a huge argument and her accusing me of being controlling amd not trusting her.
The next day I decided to tell her that if she still wanted yo go round then I'd be okay with it because I never wanted her to see me as controlling.
Anyway....on her return I noticed her behaviour was off and she was acting very suspicious and distant. She then stopped being intimate with me and a few weeks later I discovered that she had been sleeping with this guy.
She said it was because she'd been feeling neglected and lonely in our relationship but that she still loved me.
I decided to accept my role in the cause of the betrayal and forgave her so that we could start over.
4yrs later we are still together and aside from the usual arguments that couples have we are doing well....
The only issue I have is that she insists on having male friends. This has never been an issue for me but since the betrayal I find it hard to accept.
She has a friend/colleague currently that she's known for around 18months and they message everyday.
I've expressed my concerns to her that it makes me uncomfortable seeing as he is a single guy and he should know that he shouldn't be messaging another man's partner all day, everyday.
Again she just accuses me of being jealous, controlling amd insecure.
I've also said that I don't believe she should be spending time alone with him and that I've gone against my beliefs and boundaries in the past and I won't do it again considering I was proved right the last time.
Am I being controlling or am I right for setting strict boundaries?
@RK1991Uk hi there! thank you so much for sharing this with the community.
@RK1991Uk,
I fully understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your feelings are genuine and they should be validated as in, she should show understanding rather then denying them.
Have you tried to sit down with her, expressing your feelings while being loving and understanding? Telling her how you feel about her, your relationship, asking her how she feels? She might be lacking something and in an open and honest relationship both of you should be able to talk about that. Regularly. Love is a verb. All too often people stop communicating and drift apart.
If she continues to deny and blame you for being controlling then to me, based on personal experience, that's a major red flag. Meaning, something is off between the two of you.
You might consider relationship therapy. It might not fix the relationship as is and that's not the goal either of therapy. But it might help to communicate better. To share feelings, put down boundaries in a kind way, to create mutual understanding without blame, accusations or judgments . Whatever the outcome.