Bad at expressing my feelings
I have a bad habit of keeping any issues I have to myself to avoid conflict or I'll convince myself I'm just being too picky and it isn't really that big of a deal only to end of festering.
It's been affecting my relationship of 2 years lately, I've been coming across issues with my boyfriend that really bother and upset me, I've been slightly better at bringing the issues up but I still don't quit bring up the problems right away when it happens because in the moment my initial response is to respond angerly and I know it's only going to come out bitchy and unfair so I try and collect my thoughts but it'll usually take a while and by the time I do we've moved on and I feel it's irrelevant.
By the time another issue pops up I'll think about the other issues and want to explode and bring those up but once again dont want to sound unfair since I never brought it up initially.
My boyfriend wants me to express when im having these thoughts and the few things I do he gets quiet making an awkward silence making me instantly regret what I've just said and I just want to run away and hide
I really want to be able to express my problems in a healthy way especially because he's told me of his past relationship that got so toxic they were arguing everyday but I feel like I'm at my limit and just want to explode.
@quietCherry8
Hi there. 😊 That makes a lot of sense what you're describing. You find it difficult to bring up issues for a few reasons:
- You don't like conflict, arguments, or fights
- You feel like some of your complaints might be minor or things that are best to just tolerate, accept, or be patient with rather than being too picky
- When something happens that you're upset about, you feel like you need to have some time to calm down and find the best way to express what you're feeling without it sounding overly angry or unfair
- By the time you're comfortable expressing something, it feels like the time window in which it's relevant has passed and it doesn't feel appropriate or fair to bring it up
- On the occasions when you have brought things up, your boyfriend hasn't responded in a way that's really made you want to do it (i.e. he falls quiet and you end up feeling upset that you've hurt him or maybe introduced some kind of awkwardness/stress that wasn't there before by speaking up)
However, over the long-term, there are a lot of things that have accumulated or haven't been resolved. So you feel like you're now reaching a point where there are a lot of things you want to express and see being resolved. The current situation doesn't feel sustainable if you're on the brink of exploding.
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I feel like my baseline personality is pretty similar. 💜 I don't want to hurt anyone, I value being respectful/empathetic/patient if possible, I recognize that just because something is bothering me doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is doing something wrong, and I feel like I want to be very careful and avoid impulsively saying things in the heat of the moment that I might regret later.
These are a few concepts I've personally found helpful. I sort of had a similar situation happen in the past where I got pushed to my limits, ended up getting very angry/explosive, and was forced to start learning how to do some of this stuff (as an alternative to sacrificing myself).
1) Collaborative communication - instead of conflicts having to be a sort of antagonistic struggle/fight, the mindset is sort of like working together to try to problem-solve and strategize some specific behavior changes, routines, etc. that resolve the issue and satisfy both people's needs
https://www.psychalive.org/communication-between-couples/
2) Assertive communication - sort of a middle ground between not saying anything and that angry/aggressive communication you're trying to avoid.
https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969
3) Boundaries/expectations - it's okay to have certain things that you feel are needs/requirements for you to be happy where you express that and say, "I need this to happen in order for my needs to be met"
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/truth-expectations-relationships/