Body Language is Criticism?
My husband has been telling me he can't handle the constant criticism where everything he does is wrong. While a couple years ago I did blow up at him when I had a mental breakdown, falling into a clinical depression where made many angry accusations, I have since apologized for and tried to make amends. He says I still criticize him daily. I haven't been able to figure it out. I've been actively trying to fix any critical words or requests for a few months now, but been told there are no changes in how he says he is "treated like shit" by me. This stems from whenever he starts to confront me about my poor treatment of him i break down again and get angry. I cannot understand what he wants to feel loved again and it breaks me every time. Finally he said to me, when I asked if I had criticized him TODAY he said, "your body language tells me I've done something wrong, again. It's never good enough." The previous day I said "what else can I do to help you forgive me for the awful things I said 2 years ago?" He said he doesn't know, but I don't seem sincere. He's suffered terribly and he hasn't seen me suffer at all about my behavior. I've made great strides in how I use my words but now my body language is betraying my true feelings, apparently. Feelings I and my therapist believed I had gotten past. Is he right? Are my facial expressions and slumped shoulders, taking too long to answer a question, or asking for alone time, all ways of continuing to criticize him and treat him poorly? And if so, how can I be more conscious and show what he needs to see in order to forgive me?
@RamblingInOrbit WOW. ASSURE him you love him and tell him you are trying so hard but you can't control your instincts. He needs to give you a break! You are trying!
Whenever we address this he says he doesn't FEEL loved and he doesn't see me trying at all. I got very stuck on him saying I don't seem sincere in my regret for what I said because he has never seen me suffer over it. I'd taken antidepressants for 18 months with no results and finally my therapist and I realized it's because I have situational depression and not hormonal. I believe I deserve to be forgiven. Living with someone who doesn't believe he CAN forgive me breaks me daily.
Tell him you are trying!! You can't help what your body does on it's own. And that even if you don't agree with him you are trying. He needs to give you a break. It sounds like a miserable situation! Hugs!
When I say i am trying he wants specific examples of what I've done to show I love him and feel regret for my actions. The examples I give (trying to have a conversation with him (not realizing he's busy) or not contradicting him in front of the kids (but privately telling him he was being mean and unfair) making him breakfast (but questioning why I has to be made in a specific pan)) don't work because they're followed by mistakes. When I touch him he doesn't pull away but I often appear hesitant because of all the things that happen during the day. When I tell him I love him he responds but it doesn't seem to make him feel better. If I try to get him a gift he gets frustrated over spending the $. I'm out of love languages.
Is separation an option? Sounds miserable
It's always an option but neither of us want to.
Can you try marriage therapy together? Start by picking out a therapist together, if he is worried like mine was, let him choose lol. Explain that is to better communication together and have an outside observer help both of you to see what you are or not communicating. And also help verbalize what you both need. Your styles are different and there were issues before 2 years ago. 2 years ago just brought it to the surface and gave a point to refer to. What led up to that is what needs to be addressed including what is hiding behind what may be your body language and his insecurities.
We've been to 4 therapists now. So far nothing has helped. We are trying someone who uses the Gottman method now. I hope it is better. Hubs did pick this one and it's a male therapist
