Bombshell is destroying our marriage
I have been with my husband 5 years and married for 2 years. We have in the past had issues with cheating more towards the beginning of our relationship but over time we have worked on these issues and got to a really good place through a lot of tears, difficult conversations and constant work.
About 2 weeks ago my husband dropped a bombshell on me out of the blue. He said that he had been contacted by a 19 year old lad who thought my husband might be his Dad. My husband told me that he had been talking with this lad for around 2 weeks before telling me and he believed that it could very well be true when he had worked out timings etc...
This has blown my world apart if i am honest, firstly because i have no children and we both had many discussions where we felt it too late in our lives to have children and i thought i had come to terms with this. Secondly, the fact that he didnt tell me straight away leaves me feeling quite betrayed and shut out.
My husband meet with this lad for the first time yesterday and when he got home from spending the day with him, i asked questions because it seems the lad has not long been released from prison for assault, takes drugs, doesnt have a job or a phone. I have calmly tried to request that there be some boundaries like them getting a DNA test prior to developing a bond, and that while this lad is sorting himself out that i dont want any trouble at our door, or drugs and that until the DNA test is done, i would prefer if this lad wasnt in our home.
This is causing massive issues between myself and my husband, he has said that i am bombarding him with questions. expecting him to ask the lad unfair questions and that basically if the DNA test comes back that he is his son that he will never turn his back on him.
Am i being unfair feeling so hurt?.....any conversation ends in either cross words or him shutting me down. I feel so selfish because i want to be happy for him if he does have a son but i just want things to go back to normal before this bombshell even happened.
@raspberrySummer5495
You are not being irrational or unreasonable!
You have every right to ask questions.
He is your husband!
I understand, it's a possibility this might be your husband's son, but it's also possible because not!
A DNA test is paramount, before feelings get invested and you deserve to feel safe in your own home and heard and listened to.
If the DNA test turns out that he is your husband's, then it's important to have a calm conversation but not where you are dismissed, but considered and compromises are discussed.
Don't let them shut you out!
I wish you the best moving forward!
💕💜
@Amanda84 Thank you for your kind words, i guess its a bit of a waiting game until the DNA test is completed and confirms the outcome either way. Its just really sad that we were in the best place we have been in our whole relationship and now it feels in tatters.
@raspberrySummer5495
Yes, it's a big shock that you didn't need and weren't prepared for! Now, it's about, prioritising your feelings as you move forward 💜
@raspberrySummer5495
Wow, this truly is heavy. This is a lot all at once and I understand why you would feel overwhelmed with all of this unexpected news and all that you've gone through.
You two have overcome many hurdles in the past as you've mentioned.
It sounds like you two love each other. Be patient with each other & give it time. Your concerns are VERY valid. You don't want him to be too caught up without first having all the necessary details and you wish there was more OPEN communication about it early on. Continue to work TOGETHER one step at a time. Wishing you all the best and continued peace in your home. 💚
@convivialAvocado1138 Thank you. I do love him very much and want to work through this, but its hard to move forward when you are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel which is the point i feel i am at. I am trying to keep my mood but i do feel really down right now and i dont really have anyone else to talk these things through with.
@raspberrySummer5495
I get it because the person you wish to speak to the most about it is your husband 😢
I understand that feeling all too well 😞
Right now it feels like a lot and that's ok, because it is a lot. Your emotions & mood are valid.
Don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow hasn't come yet. You can THINK about tomorrow but don't WORRY about tomorrow. In THIS moment what's something healthy you can do for yourself to help you feel lighter emotionally?
Wow, that saying really puts my thought process into perspective. I think it sounds sad but I love to read so maybe a bath and read a chapter of my book and just not think of this situation for a while maybe.....🤞
Wow, that saying really puts my thought process into perspective. I think it sounds sad but I love to read so maybe a bath and read a chapter of my book and just not think of this situation for a while maybe.....🤞
Nothing sad about that. Self care is very important.
Sometimes I soak in the bath. I'll put on an audiobook or pick up a book & play low-fi beats... Have a cozy drink... Just to relax the mind for awhile
Never forget that in this moment you can always create your own sense of peace, in this moment you're ok. What's in the past can't be changed & what's to come isn't here yet. So focus on the present.
You'll be ok 💛
@raspberrySummer5495
Hey, just checking in on you. Were you able to do something for you yesterday?
Yes i did have a bath and read a chapter of my book and had that moment of escape almost...been trying to work my way through the growth path too in order to organise my mind and feelings a bit more. Things are still the same with my husband. Very distant and avoiding any further conversation other than he told me he has paid for a DNA test. So I guess I'm going to focus on myself and just wait for the outcome.
Glad you were able to take a moment for yourself ☺️
Give it time. Let them take the DNA test. You'll cross that bridge when you get there. In the meantime while you're all waiting for results what are things that you & your husband would do to bring you close?
Movies, food, walking, etc?
Thank you.
Erm..walking our dogs. Having a movie night. Going for a drive through the countryside.
Depending on how you feel, maybe try one of those activities? Walk the dog together. Use the time to just reconnect. You don't have to bring the subject up. Just reconnect, walk, talk, laugh. Who knows maybe in a more relaxed setting it'll encourage him to open up more.
But, go in with no expectations. Just enjoy the walk. If he talks great. If he doesn't open up more yet at least you got to go on a nice walk with him & have a sense of peace.
Baby steps. The more you create peaceful environments the more you'll lessen the tension.
☺️💜
I will try this tonight and see how it goes. I think i need to stop worrying over how things are going to be in the future or what is going to happen when I need to take each day as it comes for now and enjoy moments for myself and with my husband. Thank you for your support and kind words. ☺️
You're very welcome.
Wishing you all the best in the world ❣️
