Communication
Me and my long distance boyfriend still have plenty of time that we need to spend learning about each other. My problem lies in his communication skills. He is someone with his own past trauma who tends to have bad days and in response completely shut down and push everyone and everything out and gets very distant very easily. I am someone who due to childhood trauma was forced to learn what lack of communication can do to someone, especially that is challenged with handfuls of mental disorders. I have taught myself communication and, not to toot my own horn here, am excellent at it. My poor boy is not. My last relationship prior to this beautiful boy caused me a lot of trauma with this specific topic. Being shut out and closed off when my partner is not doing well causes me extreme panic and terrible anxiety because i have very strong attatchment (i blame the BPD) and abandonment issues. I want so badly to teach him how important it is to simply reassure me when he’s having a bad day that he still loves me and he’s not going to leave me just because i want to be invested in his health and livelihood but i am so deeply afraid to even bring up the conversation because i fear that if i do that it’ll set him off and make him want to push me away or worse leave. I’m in desperate need of comfort and any sort of help as to how to handle myself when he is not doing well and needs his space, seeing as he is all i think about all the time and when he’s not okay i’m not okay and i do not know how to cope with it. We talk all the time about how i am his forever and he is mine, but simply saying that does not assure me that something like bad communication won’t destroy this thing that makes me so happy. I’m just not sure how to cope.
Hey bestie. I'm in a similar situation; my boyfriend always distances himself when he's going through something and usually, it takes him a while to talk to me about it, if he will at all. It kills me everytime, as it is right now. I, too, need constant reassurance- if anything is off in the slightest way, I'll start overthinking like there's no tomorrow. You and me, we both know and understand how important good communication is. And it's essential that we teach our partners that. I talked to mine about it like this: First, I made sure to explain that it genuinely terrifies me when he just blocks me off without a word. I tried my best to make him understand how it makes me feel. He is still, of course, very valid and during rough times he should cope however he needs to (as long as its healthy ofc), but I'd appreciate it if he just told me that we are okay and he just needs time to himself. It's fairly direct I'd say, but I don't think beating around the bush would be any better. My boyfriend understood and is genuinely trying to communicate better. It's a process, of course, seeing as he needs to learn, but it's been so much easier. There's less tension, less anxiety, less misunderstandings that might lead to other troubles. 100% worth it. Honestly, just go for it. I'm certain your partner will understand.
