Covert Narcissist
Hey all, I have been with a covert for approx. 12 years and have known he was one for the last 6 years I think.
It started off the same as many of the other stories on here. He was perfect to begin with, the perfect partner. Things moved quickly but it felt flattering, we were so in love and he initiated that conversation.
Well that was within the first 2 years. Now its a completely different story, he is apparently now unable to commit and say kind things and that's because I 'know what he's like'. He's never been any good at that stuff. I fell in love with the first 2 years guy though and he knew how to do all those things.
Im not sure what I am writing here or why I am here other than from utter confusion. I don't understand (still) how someone changes so dramatically, how someone can go from being the perfect partner to someone who now consistently lies, cheats and is unable to take any kind of criticism. I have obviously read a lot about the signs now and the on script behaviour that many partners of coverts go through. The cycles of hoover and discard. I am currently in a discard, this one actually feels pretty final but he wont talk to me. I have a hard time just walking away, I am still stupidly I know wanting to talk about how I am leaving but he wont allow me the opportunity to discuss anything.
Anyway, we have his daughter working at our company for work experience this week and she has no clue who he actually is. It has been kind of nice that he has his mask fully back on but I am also terrified for what happens next week. Its been a major wakeup call for me because its made me realise so much more how awful he is to me when it is just me and him. There is always an atmosphere but this past working week there has been no atmosphere because he cannot let her see who he really is.
Everyday I have gone and sat on the toilet and cried. How did my life get here from falling in love with someone.
I am pretty sure he is talking to another woman, I tried to set boundaries by saying that if that's what he wants to do then that's ok, its his choice to move on but out of respect tell me that's what you want to do and then I can make my decision on where I stay or go. I don't see what is hard about that to understand, he's not very good at hiding his indiscretions, I don't know whether this is done for triangulation so he thinks I will try harder with him or he's just lazy. Either way I have had enough, i thought we could walk away from each other if I stated it clearly and delivered it calmly but he seems to crave the opposite, he needs some kind of drama from me to feel satisfied.
Please can I have some insight?
@Mandat5
Hey, I just want to start by saying you are not alone in this, and you are not crazy for feeling confused or heartbroken. What you’re going through is deeply painful, and anyone in your shoes would be feeling just as overwhelmed and emotionally worn out. When someone starts out by showing us love, warmth, and tenderness and then slowly morphs into someone cold, dishonest, and emotionally cruel it creates a kind of grief that’s hard to explain. You’re not just mourning a relationship you’re mourning the person he pretended to be, the future you thought you were building, and the version of yourself that trusted him. The fact that you see the pattern now the lies, the manipulation, the discard-hoover cycle is powerful. That awareness is hard-won. Many never reach that place. You did. That means the light inside you is still burning, even if it feels dim right now. You are not stupid for wanting closure or kindness. You are not weak for wanting clarity and peace. You are someone who loved deeply, who hoped for honesty, and who tried to hold space for mutual respect. That’s something to be proud of even if he never honored it. It's okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry in the bathroom. It’s okay to feel the weight of all of this. You’re processing years of emotional wear and tear, gaslighting, inconsistency, and deep unmet needs. That’s not something you just shake off, But please know this you are allowed to choose peace now. You don’t need him to validate your decision to walk away. He may never give you closure, because someone who thrives in chaos often doesn’t want resolution. But you can give yourself that closure, slowly, one day at a time and how telling that when his daughter was around, the mask came right back on. That’s not you imagining things. That’s proof that the way he treats you is a choice. Not a personality flaw. Not a mistake. A choice. You don’t need to make your exit loud, dramatic, or wrapped in a perfect bow. You just need to choose yourself. Over and over. Quietly, consistently. That’s your power now. You’re stronger than you think. You’ve survived 12 years of emotional push and pull imagine how far you can go with that strength finally directed toward healing and peace.
I'm proud of you for writing this. For speaking the truth, even in the midst of confusion. Keep holding onto that truth it’s your way out. You deserve so much more. You always have and I hope one day soon, you’ll believe it fully too. 💛
Thank you so so so much, I write this with tears streaming down my face from feeling so alone and crazy. The hardest part to hear is that it is a choice for him to treat me this way, absolutely a choice when I can clearly see he has the ability to choose to be kind.
He used to try and sell his unmasked behavior as a point I should be pleased about, that he chooses me to be his ultimate self around. I don't see it that way at all.
Thank you for being so clear about choosing myself, I have needed to hear these words so much. Walking away is hard but it seems a lot more possible than it did 6 months ago.
@Mandat5
Please don’t let anyone make you question your worth. You deserve tenderness. You deserve safety. You deserve peace and you deserve to heal in a world where love doesn’t feel like walking on glass. One step at a time you’re already doing the hard part and I’m proud of you for even sharing this.
Mandat5. Any update?
Mandat5. Any update?