Dating - A Mistake From My Younger Self Is Still Affecting Me

This might be one of the most trivial issues posted on this website but it is something that is really affecting me so I'm going to go ahead and post it here anyways.

A few years ago, when I was younger and going through a really painful breakup, I made some immature choices on a dating app. I was still attached to my ex and, honestly, a part of me wanted to see if she had moved on or was using dating apps. At the same time, I didn’t want her to see me on there because I was still hoping we might get back together. Because of that, I used an alias instead of my real first name and did not present myself as fully authentic on the app.

I also deleted and recreated my profile multiple times during that period. Some days I would wake up and feel like I needed to move on, and then later I would panic and feel like I wasn’t ready. That emotional back-and-forth ended up playing out through the app in a way that I now realize was unhealthy and probably looked suspicious to the platform.

I want to be clear that I wasn’t trying to talk to people under this alias. But I also understand now that my intentions do not erase the fact that I made poor choices. I was emotionally all over the place, immature, and not thinking clearly. Looking back, I can see why using an alias and repeatedly deleting and recreating a profile was wrong.

Now, years later, I feel like that mistake is still following me. I’m older now, more mature, and genuinely trying to move forward with my life. I want to meet people in a healthy, honest way and have the chance to build a real connection. But being banned from a major dating app makes me feel like a decision I made when I was young and hurting is still defining me today.

It honestly makes me sad and anxious. I know I made a mistake, and I take responsibility for it, but it hurts to feel like there may be no path to show that I’ve grown. I keep thinking about how younger me was reacting from pain and confusion, and now present-day me is paying for it while trying to move on.

This all happened about six years ago, when I was in college and living in a smaller city. Since then, I’ve moved on from that phase of my life in so many ways. I’ve grown up, matured, moved to a new city, and built a very different life for myself. But now that I’m actually ready to date in a healthier and more intentional way, it feels like this old mistake is blocking me from moving forward.

I guess I’m posting because I feel stuck between accepting responsibility and feeling heartbroken by how permanent this feels. I know this may sound trivial to some people, and some might say to just use Bumble, ***, or another app. But we live in a time where dating apps are one of the main ways people meet and build real connections, especially as adults. Hinge in particular has a reputation for being more focused on genuine relationships, and it hurts to feel like I may be permanently shut out of that because of decisions I made when I was younger and emotionally struggling.