Feeling Sad and Scared about my relationship
frankPenny9537
December 1st, 2023
I (40's F) have been married to my partner (40's M) for close to 22 years. We have 2 teen children.Got married way too young but that is another story.
2023 was a sh*tshow of a year for us, our business closed and we were both unemployed. Had no savings since anything we had spare went into trying to save our business, and all money I tried to save has been used up to keep kids in school etc.
Since then we have both been doing odd jobs to make an income, and he has recently started working as well which earns him a weekly pay check which goes directly into his bank account. I am currently seeking employment, but also looking and doing any odd jobs that come my way to get some income.
One of my problems now is that he has become controlling - he keeps all the money he gets in his account, and I need to ask him every time I want to buy something or need money for something.
If I ask him to put money into my account, he will ask what for and how much - if I say I need $200 he will give me exactly $200. The few times he did put more in, but then immediately asked me to pay out 80% of it to a bill he had to pay, so I again had little to no money in my account.
If we need to put electricity in to run our hot water he says no and that eveyone can have a cold shower - and when I told him no we need hot water, he asked why - are we all little princesses and can't handle a cold shower? He likes cold showers and we must just get used to them.
He pays for nothing unless he deems it necessary - he does not go food shopping, nor does he pay any bills and so I am expected to stand before him every time I need money and ask for some, and then he will also critique what I buy and tell me I need to cut down. To be clear, I have cut our grocery bill down by almost 60% of what it was previously.
When he started the business I was earning a good salary and was paying 100% of the bills and also putting money into his business. After a while he needed help so I quit my job and joined him, as it gave me more flexibility with the kids, but I still worked full time
If he talks about his earnings - it is always well I made this much this week, but I need to pay for this and that and he makes it seem like he is the only one making an effort. He travels alot for this new job, and the one time when I told him we were talking the dog for a walk - he had a temper tantrum because he has to work so hard and he doesn't get to relax and take the dog for a walk. I told him that was not fair, since someone has to walk the dog, and someone also needs to provide childcare - so it is unreasonable for him to expect me to be "working as hard at a job" as he is. What I am doing is just as important even if it is not bringing in an income.
Another issue I have is that I find him emotionally abusive. He had a blowout the other day because my teen forgot to do his chore - and he grounded him for 2 months, and told him to f**k off. Then when teen did not say good night to him, I was told he is going to ground him for another month for being rude.
I told him well you told him to f**k off, why would he want to speak to you after that? I also told him to stop speaking to him like that, and that we don't speak to people we love like that (or anyone in fact, but this was about him speaking to his child like that) - he got super offended, told me it was my fault for mollycoddling my teen, and went to sleep in the spare room. Teen was ignored for a few days, and then suddenly he started speaking to him again, like nothing was wrong. I have been ignored since then, and not spoken to at all.
I do not like confrontation and am quite soft, but I will 100% stand up and fight for my kids if needed, and he often tells me I am too soft on them and any behavioural issues they have, is because I am too soft. I think he goes too hard on them, and there is never a middle ground with him.
I am both deeply resentful and offended by having to do beg him for money. For 22 years, I managed our finances and I paid our bills from our joint account. I made sure his account had money in all the time if he needed money, and I never asked him what he spent his money on.
Am I wrong in feeling this way? I feel like he is being financially abusive and also emotionally abusive by being like this. I really really want to leave him, but right now that is impossible. I'm so close to telling him to just stay away next time he travels, but I can't do that because I will have no money in my accounts and I will still need to feed my kids.
If it was just me I would have been gone a long long time ago.
He definitely has some mental health issues but refuses to seek help. I have told him before he needs to seek help, and get it sorted but I always get told the reasons he is like this and 80% of the time it comes back to me and how the things I do cause his meltdowns. I am just so so so tired of always tip toeing around him. 4 months ago I told him I was done, and I wanted a divorce - and he made me feel guilty because I was quitting, and he would never quit us.
I have no family, and his family are no help because they all believe he is amazing - they only see the side of him that he wants them to see. My friends know exactly what is going on, and they are very open to who he actually is (not because of what I have told them, but they are not stupid - they can see it)
I know what I need to do - I just needed to type it all out and put it out into the universe and speak to someone, even if it just the internet people because I feel very very alone right now.TLDR - reached the end of my rope with my husband, I think he is abusive.
KatePersephone
December 1st, 2023
@frankPenny9537 thank you very much for sharing this with the community, Penny. i really hope you get the best possible support on it <3
dukeofdearham
December 1st, 2023
@frankPenny9537,
sounds like your husband is way overstressed (and takes it out on the ones he loves).
These situations ask for help if both of you want to salvage your relationship.
Might be an idea to write down your feelings and fears and send them to him, or hand it to him when he seems to be more at ease. Do show understanding yet also put down boundaries. Say you love him and support him and are scared to lose the beautiful both of you have.
Does he have any close friends or family members that he might listen to?
communicativePond1728
December 1st, 2023
@frankPenny9537
It sounds like you're navigating the fallout of what happened with the businesses and trying to rebuild from that, and that this time of change and transition is really challenging for you right now.