Future in law problem
Hello, I’m Nicole and I have just recently got engaged to a very sweet man, we’ve been together for about a year and our relationship has been going great! I do face some struggles though, and it pertains to the future in -law family. I’m 22, and he’s 25, and I’m currently staying with his mom and grandma at his place. The biggest struggle I face and have a hard time dealing with is the fact he’s the only boy, and his mom and grandma are VERY protective over him. I had recently found out that they keep track of his banking account information and everytime he wants to go buy something they flip out on him for spending his own money -_- and god forbid I’d ever ask him for any money they would have a cow, even though it’s not their place to say anything now being his fiancé. They also tend to test me to see how far they can push me, and it bothers me because I do everything I can to respect them, I help around the house with whatever they may need, and when it comes to me texting on my phone to my friends who haven’t seen me in a long time, they’re always like “I guess she’s just going to ignore us and play on that damn phone” and I’m always feeling like they just have to find something to complain about me with. I’ve sat them down and talked with them, and they seemed to chill out, and then the topic of his ex girlfriends were brought up, and I had to listen about what they did wrong, how they hurt him, etc.. ive had to repeatedly tell them that I’ve never cheated in any of my previous relationships and I’m not them. I feel like no matter what I say or do they will always over bear me, and I honestly don’t feel like I’m a fiancé because he has to tell them every little thing we do. And it’s a bit much. When I try to discuss the issue with my fiancé, he always says “why is it always something with my family?” And it’s gotten to the point where I just don’t say anything to him anymore. And I’m very certain they are very well aware of what they do when he’s not around me. I just need advice on how I should handle them when I get targeted, or if this is common in relationships? Thanks❤️
@energeticCranberry5091
Hi--I'm sorry that that's happening. From what you've shared, your fiancé's mom and grandma are very protective of him and they have inserted themselves into your relationship in a major way that you don't like.
- You're trying to be respectful and courteous, but they make lots of small remarks that are a bit rude (e.g. commenting on your ignoring them when you're staying in touch with your other friends).
- They keep comparing you to his ex-girlfriends and bringing them up, even though you aren't them and you haven't done anything that would warrant this comparison.
- He is in the habit of having to tell them everything and get their approval for anything that he does, including spending money.
- You've tried to discuss these issues with him, but he isn't seeing eye to eye on it, or he isn't willing to push back against them. It's gotten to the point that you've given up on trying to talk to him about it.
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I tried looking for some resources that have tips for how to deal with overbearing/controlling in-laws and found the following:
https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/toxic-in-laws-signs-help/
https://fullpotentialcounseling.com/4-boundaries-for-overbearing-in-laws/
https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-an-Intrusive,-Needy-Mother-in-Law
I skimmed through them and a couple general tips I'm seeing are 1) trying to communicate with your partner and get on the same page with them so that the two of you can work together to deal with the problem, and 2) setting boundaries with your in-laws.
However, it sounds like you've already tried communicating with your partner though and it didn't really go the way that you wanted. So, I wouldn't really feel comfortable pushing these tips and being like "Oh well these resources say this is supposed to work; you must not be doing it right". 😊
I hope there are still some possible options for things to try, and I'd absolutely trust your judgment on whatever you decide to do or whether you think something will/won't work.
If you'd like to chat with someone about this, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept chats on family stress.
