Groundhog's Day
My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. I'm 34 and he's 26. The age thing really hasn't been an issue at all other than I am very ready to get married and plan our future, and he doesn't seem to think that it's that urgent. When we started dating I told him I knew exactly what I wanted in a man and a relationship; that I wanted to be married in 2 years and he acted and said that he was on board with that.
Here's where we seem to get stuck though- he has a very short temper about things that are stupid/immature to get upset about. Example: last spring he got road rage because some other driver was acting like an idiot, I got mad at him, we didn't speak for two days. He completely shuts down- goes and watches porn to jerk off instead of even the slightest acknowledment of the fact I'm in the house. We eventually talked, he agreed to work on his anger and we moved on.
A year goes by, mostly things are better- every other area of the relationship is good- we got through quarantining together stronger and closer. But then this spring.... last week he got all pissed off because a customer service person had an "attitude" with him and therefor as he walked away he was muttering how she was a "f****ing b**** and c***" because of how she treated him. I told him he was being a jerk and out of line. We didn't talk the whole way home and barely say two words to each other once home. Sure enough he goes off and watches porn, then barely talks to me the rest of the night....
Everytime I am so exctied to have him propose soon he either pulls one of thses things, or I also found out that even though he says he's completely ready to propose he has avoided talking to my dad about it (yes, it's an old fashioned custom, but something that's imporatnt to both of us). We just spent several days around my parents during which he was along wth my dad for literally hours, but never bought it up.
I really feel like I'm stuck in this pergatory. I felt this way with my ex who turned out to be a huge mistake in my life. My bf doesn't feel like that same situation, yet here I am sitting waiting to move forward more than a year after I told him I wanted to get married..... The problem is people say, "well, can you imagine your life without him?" and I am so independent and protective of myself that I can easily imagine my life being alone. It's not what I want, it would hurt and be sad, but I am not wired to ever be the person that "can't live without" someone. I love him, but not all of him. I know that no relationship and no person is perfect, but I feel stuck right now.
I understand why you're upset. He does seem to be overreacting to small things and his reaction to your opinions is definitely troublesome. I will say, for me, I struggle with feeling understood. Maybe he just wants you to listen to him vent and take his side? The guy on the road WAS being a jerk. Did you tell him you agreed first or did you let him know he was overreacting? The Karen WAS being a Karen. His reactions are over the top, but the feelings have merit. Before asking him to calm down try to show empathy first. Then, when he believes you are on his side of the battle against idiot drivers and evil Karens, consider telling him how it makes you feel when he gets so upset. Are you afraid he might crash? Get into a fight? Have you seen that with an ex and are projecting that fear on him? Were you afraid his boss would hear him cursing out a customer? Afraid he might get fired? Have you experienced this in the past and it triggers you? This will help him see that you're not trying to control his feelings, that his feelings aren't "wrong" but rather how he expressed his feelings worried you. You never want to minimize someone else's experience. Even if you don't understand their feelings, they are JUST based on their experiences. You absolutely CAN ask him to change his behavior. Anger will happen. Outbursts don't have to. Letting him know that his feelings are not the problem may be that first step.
I appreciate your thoughts. I have told him that his feelings are justified, that it's how he behaves in reaction is what upsets me. Yes, my ex did have a very short temper and at times was directed at me, so mg bf's behavior is a trigger for me. It was something I realized last year when all this happened, so I have been working to disassociate my bf's behavior from what I experienced with my ex. 😕
