Helping Arrogant Teenage Daughter

She's become very judgemental too, lacking empathy

It is tough enough to deal with kids going through crap as teens ..........Add being the Step -parent...... I wish you all the best.

I know you want to help but the step thing might cause issues and hard feelings let your spouse take the lead on which way to go

@muktmoth

Its good that you want to help her! That age is a difficult time to navigate, for teenagers as well as for parents. She is young, and discovering her voice, without yet having the maturity and wisdom to always know the best way to express herself to others. She hasn’t cultivated a deep understanding and appreciation of how to build healthy relationships. It is commonly an age where young people want to find their own independence and path, and tend to resent parental guidance and control more as a consequence. Maybe (due to some particular circumstance with her biological father previously) she has issues with her identity and feeling unloved, or some unresolved anger/ fears and feelings of abandonment? Maybe she is being bullied at school or feels misunderstood?

In any case, one of the best ways to support her might be to lead by example. Show her what it means to communicate effectively, to be composed, especially when she is being problematic and adversarial. Find out what she responds to - parents sometimes assume ‘fear/discipline’ is the only principle that needs to be enforced without considering other options (such as reward, negotiation, letting the child initiate ideas and exhibit leadership for themselves etc.) Sometimes parents only seem to care about the trouble their children are in; but never ask the child if they are happy, if they get along with their friends, if they are lonely, depressed or feel isolated, if they feel neglected, if they have any pressing questions about life experiences.

Always, a desire to understand and love your child will be more effective than a desire only to control/correct your child’s behaviour. If she is fighting with everyone all the time - Maybe what she needs right now is not more enemies. Maybe what she really needs is an ally, someone who will stand by her, someone who will advocate for her, someone to show her that the whole world isn’t against her, someone who will love and support her in her struggles, whatever they might be, - even if she is being so difficult, and hostile sometimes.

Talk with her. Ask her about her life. Let her say whatever she wants to say. Does she want to scream? Does it hurt inside? Does she find school boring? Is Pythagoras theorem stupid? Do other girls behave awful to one another? Does she think her mom is overbearing and controlling sometimes? What does she think is the problem? Encourage her to find healthy ways to release all her thoughts and fears and anger. Most importantly, impress upon her that ALL OF IT is OK - That she’s not alone in the world, that you will love and accept and support her no matter what.

Wishing you all the best with this ~!

CatsInTheCradle

@muktmoth

Good luck.

I tried everything possible: questions, no questions, church, school, friends, therapy, food, etc etc.

I'm still coping with the death threats.