He’s throwing everything back in my face

I made a post about this the other day but now that I’ve spoken to my partner about my plans it’s gotten worse due to his reaction.

Three years ago my late partner died. I was young and already suffered with anxiety so this only intensified and made my anxiety and worry feel validated like I had a reason to do so.

instead of facing the grief I quickly tried to attach myself to others via relationships. Four months after his passing I met my current partner who was really supportive and loving so I dropped everything (I didn’t really have much going on) to move across the country with him.

my anxiety transferred to him and now I worried about him all the time. I had to try to heal that while being with him. For example he was interested in a temporary job that would take him away for months at a time and I shot down that idea making him feel guilty “how could you after you just got me in your life I just moved here to be with you” etc. I regret that and should’ve never let my worries and fear of loss dictate his life and decisions. He didn’t take the job because was scared he’d lose me. The pandemic happened and we spent a lot of time indoors together. We had our fair share of arguments, he had anger issues that came out and we did work through a lot of our issues and address the root causes.

but now I’m realizing how I resent him, myself and everyone here where we live. his last relationship before me involved a girl who was going to college. He was going to move nearer to her college start his life there etc and she ended up calling it all off cause it was too much at such a young age. After that he went back to his hometown and seemed to vow to not ever go all in for another person like that. I had given him the impression I was totally ok starting a life with him and just living here, finding work etc. In reality I had big dreams myself but I threw all those out when my partner died so I didn’t even bother telling my current partner. So he was really having someone come move in with him that he didn’t even truly know. Then as those dreams came back I just started feeling resentment—to myself for staying here and not spending time with my parents and having just left them to come here; resentment toward him for being the catalyst that made me come and stay here. This showed itself everywhere we went when hanging out with his friends doing things he likes i complained because I felt like everything revolves around him when in reality I had set it all up to make it seem like I was ok with that . he didn’t know what I was feeling inside. He sense knows I want to go to college and pursue things.

now that the 3 year mark of my late partner passing is here I’ve been depressed and rethinking things all week so I tell him how I want to go home. I want to spend some time there ground myself, I like being able to go between places like maybe spend a couple months here with him then go spend a few weeks with my family. I’ve brought this up multiple times in our relationship and every single time he makes me feel like he just doesn’t support it so I give up and give in and just forget the idea and thus the cycle of resentment continues.

So now I’ve come to a point where I am trying to put my foot down and go home to see my family for a while. I even have a virtual job that they recently told me I have to be in my home state to do; it’s a temporary job so I figure this is a great opportunity to spend a few months with them, work on healing myself and learn to not need to be with my partner all the time. He acts supportive and understanding, then the next day calls me and throws it all in my face. Says “it’s stupid; you can’t be in two places at once, you make no sense” so naturally I just feel like I can’t leave him or he feels like it is something against him that it means I don’t love him(which I personally think is unresolved fear from his previous relationship).

when we met we were both enablers in that neither one of us said to the other “hey maybe we shouldn’t move so fast so we can just slowly get to know each other and not rush everything and burn out” and so unless I put my foot down and say “hey we need to restructure things and I need to go and do this for myself and for us”, it won’t ever happen. And I’m trying so hard to not fall into this same pattern of just giving up because he makes me feel horribly guilty.

one thing I noticed is he acts caring then uses logistics or something non-emotional as a way to shield himself. A few weeks ago I was accepted into a university to finish my degree that would require me moving to a whole different locale while school is in. He of course was proud and encouraging, but then the next day just like in this situation started saying “you can’t be in two places at once I just don’t get how you think it’ll work. I’m not going to pay rent for you to not even be here” because he currently pays my 1/3 (we have a roommate that’s his best friend so it’s not like he’ll even be alone). After he calmed down he said he shouldn’t have said that and how he just said the money thing as a way to not have to show fear/mask emotions. So I ended up deciding I won’t be attending that university not because of him but because of finances and it not being a right fit. But now he’s saying the money thing again when I talk about going home for my job and possibly applying for a school there near my home and how my idea doesn’t make sense BUT when I tried to call him out and say how he even admitted he doesn’t mean it and just uses it to mask fear he said “well maybe I do mean it, some things I can’t afford” and some other stuff and hung up the phone.

i feel I’ll never break this cycle because he always makes me feel horribly guilty which just triggers me crying being horribly anxious and doing whatever I can to make him feel cared for.