Hurt and confused

44F here. I want to start by saying my husband is genuinely a good person and a good man. He is a fantastic father to our three kids and I have very little else to complain about other than the fact that when his dad was dying from cancer 9 years ago he used talking to other women as an outlet to escape reality and cope. He has never slept with anyone else, but came close with someone he met on a dating site 9 years ago and he cut it off before it got to that point. There was touching and kissing the only time they met up in person and there was video chats in another room with her while I was sleeping before they actually met up. Before that instance there was also more times of chatting and picture sending with other women. He admitted it was the wrong way to go about it And it hasn't happened again since November 2016. But I am still struggling all these years later. We've been together for 12 years, we just got married in April 2024. For 9 years there hadn't been any more issues. Then, the place he worked for shut down and he got a new job the same month we were married. Life seemed really great. Then after about 8 months, he hired an assistant. Given our past, I still have trust issues when it comes to him and other women but after several discussions I finally began to accept that she was just his assistant and nothing more. But  then I noticed he talked about her all the time, he would tell me about their conversations. Seems like he has more conversation with her in one day than we had in a month. Then when she began asking for personal favors, I spoke up and said it inappropriate for someone to ask that of their boss. She she was asking him to work on her car. Did he come to a gas station and brought me with him to help her one time with her car, And when she asked him to look at the car he was just going to bring it to our house and she was going to stay at home or whatever so he would not be alone with her at any given time. I told him that was completely unprofessional and inappropriate for her to ask that of her boss. I'm an assistant at my job as well and I would never ask my boss for that big of a personal favor, it crosses the professional line. I had been telling him for some time that their professional mind was becoming pretty blurred And my suspicions were rising, despite the fact I allowed him to talk about her and acted like I cared when it happened to her etc,etc. I was basically suppressing my feelings so that I didn't make him mad with the accusations that I kept having. So moving on, that place was a nightmare to work for and very unethical so he had been looking for another job and finally found one about a month ago and turned in his notice. Then, a few days after his last day, he admitted to me after leaving his job that he recognized he was starting to have feelings for her, Saw where it could go and that was why he accepted the job he did, so he could put distance between them immediately because apparently then feelings were mutual as discovered when he took her and the other girl in the office out for a drink after work on his last day. The job he took is in the town next to us and is not a job he normally would have taken because of the commute, but he did it to put said distance between them.  I do appreciate him actually talking to me about it and admitting that's where he screwed up the last time, by shutting me out. I appreciate how he handled it, but I am so very heartbroken that the feelings were there to begin with and he doesn't understand that. He thinks because nothing happened that I should be okay and just move on. I'm not okay. The trust that was already fragile to begin with has been compromised and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Now to the present, he's really mad at me right now for an array of things, it started this past Saturday and came to a head last night.  I'm not a saint, far from perfect and I get mad and say things I don't mean and I make mistakes. Throughout our entire marriage / relationship, there are only two things we've ever fought about consistently. One of them would be my inability to move on completely from the infidelities all those years ago, my continuing to not trust him 100% and that I still throw accusations out when I'm in a moment of anger. Second thing being our oldest daughter. Technically, she's his oldest daughter, but his ex-wife is minimally involved and has been in all the time I've known them. Both of his daughters call me Mom and I consider them my own daughters as I have been raising them since they were six and seven. We have one daughter together who is 11. Our older girls are 19 and 18. The oldest one turns 20 at the end of January. She is a complex person to deal with as she has medical issues and is not as mature or mentally developed as most people her age. She has always been behind, always needed special help in school, struggles to make friends and keep them, and doesn't always get along so well with her siblings. She tends to be bossy and mouthy to them and just doesn't know when to stop running her mouth. Overall she is a very good girl and I love her dearly, but she has always been one of our main things that we get fights over because she is a lot to handle. I truly believe she is very much on the autism spectrum, to the point that it should have been recognized when she was younger so she could have developed appropriate coping skills by time she was an adult. Unfortunately, nobody wanted to hear that from me and they didn't want her treated differently than any other kids. I understand that concept, The truth is she is different and she could have used different support as a child. Now she gets in to situations that end up escalating quickly because she hasn't ever been able to develop the appropriate coping mechanisms for the way her brain operates. Our fights and arguments around her are the fact that I get pushed and pushed and pushed and keep my mouth shut and then I blow up at her, That's the moment he happens to be around or within earshot. So guess who gets in trouble? Not the girl that had been pushing my buttons and not being able to recognize when to stop, no, always me because I'm the adult. It seems like I've never been able to do things right when it comes to her. Even though I stayed at home and took care of our youngest daughter for years so that I could get our oldest to all of her appointments and keep track of all her medicines and help with after school routines and getting her homework done etc, etc. But I always manage to do something wrong that starts a fight over her. She is an adult now, and our current fight is because Saturday morning him and the girls were getting ready to go visit his dying uncle and his grandpa. I was unable to go because I just had back surgery and I can't sit in the car that long. Anyway, she was mouthing me and mouthing her sisters just going on and on and on. Rather than say something that I knew would be wrong anyway, I just walked out to the garage where he was smoking, sat down and said "well she's in full-on *** mode today, have fun with that" never said a word to her or anybody else, just went and vented to him. I thought everything was okay, he gave me lots of kisses before they left and hugged me Then I waited all day for them to come home. I knew he was with family so I didn't text or call. I did text to make sure they got there okay and it stayed unread for hours, which I let go because again I knew he was visiting family that he doesn't see often.  Then when I knew he was heading home, I did text him, And it also remained unread. Now I would chock that up to the fact he was driving, but I've seen this man watch football games on his phone while driving and stuff like that so I know he is capable of seeing my message. So finally I needed my question answered about whether or not they were going to need supper when they got home so I called, it was a little frustrated and I did say something about him not responding to me so when he said something about driving I called him out about the football thing and texting other people. He has a terrible habit of leaving my text messages on a regular basis unread, I was just all around frustrated and I know now I shouldn't have been. He was upset because he just saw his dying uncle and his 92-year-old grandpa. His uncle was his dad's only sibling, and was also dying from cancer just like his dad so I knew that would set off some things inside of him, And I expected some moodiness when he came home but I did not expect to be where we are now. He came back that day a different person. He also started his new job last week and was basically a zombie all week because it's a new schedule and a new commute and I was hoping this week would be better and that I would get to see more of him, but it's worse because we are fighting. I wish I could just stop doing things that upset him and make him miserable and I could just let go of what happened all those years ago and let go of the situation with his assistant but I just don't know how. I feel like a ugly terrible person but at the same time I also think it's really unfair how he's treating me right now. Hes been deliberately ignoring me. He talks and laughs with the girls, talks and laughs on the phone, but then doesn't even look at me or say a word and hurts so bad. I know I said things I shouldn't but I don't think I deserve this harsh of a treatment. Part of me thinks that he's just plain mad right now because of his uncle and he needs to be mad at somebody, so I get to be that person. His grandpa has now outlived his entire immediate family because sadly his uncle passed away 2 days after they visited. His aunt that is married to his uncle is also very sick with cancer and is likely going to pass away from it, And we all believe his grandpa is going to pass away from a broken heart now that his whole family's gone. So that's why I think he just needs somebody to be mad at. I'm not saying it's okay by any means, but I'm wondering if that's how he's coping instead of talking to other women. I don't know because he won't talk to me. The last two nights I have tried to get him to talk to me, And I end up just getting frustrated with him and spend hours crying before I go to sleep. At this point I about ready to have a breakdown because he is my rock and my best friend and I feel like he hates me. He says he doesn't and he'll talk when he's ready but he's just being so mean and doesn't even see it because he even asked me how am I being so mean. I feel so lost and confused. I'm also recovering from back surgery so I spend a majority of my day alone in my bedroom laying down, which is mentally taxing to begin with and now I have this going on and I just don't know what to do. I don't have any friends, honestly that's by choice. I moved to the state when I was 20 and got burned every time I tried to make new friends so I just quit. I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years before I met my current husband and that didn't allow me to make friends. I don't feel like I can talk to my mom or my sister. I am in therapy but I had to miss my last appointment, I'm not sure that's helping anyway because when I started therapy back up I had been having suicidal ideations so every session has been mostly running through the suicide checklist and safety plan and I kind of wish I never would have even said anything because I don't get to talk about the things I need to talk about and I have nobody else to talk about them too, which is why I looked for an online forum where I could just post anonymously and vent. I really don't expect anybody to read all of my rant and respond, but if you did take the time to read through all my crazy, then thank you. I will be sending the positive vibes your way.