I Wish I Could Just Sleep Through Life
Hello, everyone. I apologize if I am doing this incorrectly - this is my first time using 7 Cups, which seemed like the right place because I feel like I don't have anywhere else to turn, so... My partner and I have been in a partly long distance relationship for a little over two years. There have been ups and downs along the way, but I suppose things have in general been good enough to warrant our staying together. We have been long distance since January of this year, although our (unspoken) plan was to eventually live together. As that subject has been brought up more and more recently, the fact that we are at an impasse in terms of where to live has come to light. He wants me to move to his country, whereas I want us to move someplace else. I feel like my reasons for not wanting to move to his home country are reasonable: my industry does not exist there, and besides I will probably not be able to find work as a foreigner as the country continues its nationalization plan. In addition to those factors, one of my favorite past times, walking outside in nature, will be impossible there due to the heat and lack of plants. I will also dearly miss the rain. Overall, when I imagine living there for the rest of my life, I see my hopes and dreams for the future, and happiness in general, slipping away. But, I do struggle with catastrophizing and clinical depression, so perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill... On the other hand, he is unwilling to consider living any place other than his home town, despite the fact that he had been living in my country for six years by the time we met. He cites concerns such as safety (which I do agree with), but also plans on having his family nearby in the event of financial calamity, which somewhat worries me. The job market his country is very poor, and has been for a while. The fact that he is struggling to find work, but refuses to move elsewhere so we can both have jobs, is very troubling to me - as his dismissive attitude towards my dream of working at a studio and contributing towards out future family financially. He still supports my schooling, but I cannot discern why, if he is unsupportive of my career plans. I feel like I have already rambled too much... I apologize, but I have no one else to talk to. I agreed to move to be with him, but I already feel my happiness diminishing, as well as the affection I feel towards him. He does not seem to understand why I am unhappy, even though I have explained over and over. I wish I did not have to sideline my dreams and happiness. I wish he was willing to negotiate and explore avenues where we could both be happy and chase our dreams. I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life to escape everything... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for complaing.
Hi! Don’t apologize for complaining! Your feelings are more than valid and completely understandable. As for what to do, only you can decide that but in making your decision it’s good to reflect on some things: Do you think he would ever reconsider? If not, do you realistically see yourself living in his country and being happy? Do your visions of the future align with his? If not, is there a way to align them, or are the differences just too major?
Hello, and thank you for your reply. It really helps having someone to talk to... He does not make it sound like he would ever reconsider. He is very adamant about not wanting to leave his country, and his intent to grow old and die there, eventually. However he still claims to want to travel extensively and has talked about wanting to work in other countries in the past. I guess that is the part I am having a hard time reconciling with... he seems to hold dual ideas simultaneously, but will not consider my proposals and will not offer his own when I ask. But no, I do not see myself being happy there, however I am so used to feeling unhappy (depression, other issues), I figure if one of us has to be unhappy it should be me. I am not sure about our visions of the future, as right now it seems to be fairly basic: we both want a house and to get married. I also would like to have a career in the field I am studying in. I figure wherever we live we could accomplish this, minus my career... however, it would actually be more difficult for us to marry in his country, as they have somewhat strict rules about foreigners marrying into the native population. As for aligning our future visions, whatever they might be, it seems to be more an issue of him being unable to negotiate... no matter how hard I try to get him to brainstorm ideas with me, he does not seem to want to give any ground. My understanding is that negotiating involves giving and getting equally, which seems the fair thing to do when you love someone and want them to be happy... but maybe that is not possible in this situation. I personally do not think our goals would be so contradictory that we could not work out an effective solution, but maybe he sees things too differently for me to even begin to understand. I don't know...