I don’t get how he can do tgis

I don’t get how he can be so hurt with what I do but chum it up with his friend about baseball. Making me feel guilty for visiting my family saying how hard it is just cause I’m not around to be with

so much codependency and I don’t want to have to put in the work to fix it.

he’s such a good guy so loving supportive in many aspects but in others just completely misses the mark makes me feel guilty for wanting to be with my parents, when I felt bad for clinging to him and saying when my mom went thru a depression I should’ve been there he said “how is it your fault she went thru that” as if I didn’t owe my mom the common courtesy of supporting her in that time. He’s missing the point and even if he does have a hard time without me physically present how is forcing me to be here or otherwise making me feel guilty

help?

I’m not worth

the wait I’m not worth the having to understand me I’m not worth going to school where I want only where it’s near to him so he can have me here daily. I’m not saying I’m perfect and all but his support right now or lack thereof seems extremely based on his emotions not on logic or reasoning or unconditional love

I haven’t eaten properly for a week my depression randomly started then and I started thinking about someone from the past I guess as a defense mechanism or coping mechanism to ignore the dissatisfaction here and all.

but part of me wants to reach out and try to start something to know i have someone to lean on which is an extremely bad coping mechanism I just never know if I would have it better a different way or if I should fight to keep what we have intact i feel like one day probably in fifteen years when I’m strong enough I’ll regret my decisions and try to make up for lost time. Being weak emotionally sucks and I feel it’s just in my dna my mom was the same way when she was younger in a lot of ways

I used to not take this from a partner I would not even bat an eye if they did something against me or disrespected me and ironically those who I left like that ended up wondering where I am looking for me missing me but for whatever reason I can’t do it in this situation I just want to keep the peace meanwhile it’s been ok for him to give me a changing story and just the other day told me how it’s not ok for one of us to make the other feel “you have to do such and such thing or else”

he was really big on marriage wanted to be that image of a provider guy even though being super young whereas I never felt marriage is necessary. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage had his mom helping him look for a ring all of that meanwhile I felt super pressured and rushed. When I found out he asked for my hand I felt sick because it seemed too old fashioned for me and like he wanted to secretly propose. This was all brought on by him getting baptized last year during which he told me he needs to be married by then or we can’t live together anymore basically making me feel get married in the best couple months or get out. Well he dropped that and eased up and took it slower then six months later asked my parents that. Now he’s saying how he just felt he needed a good thing to happen in his life cause he wasn’t doing much so he thought marriage would be good but now he’s slowed it down. I regret ever opening up to him telling him I need to see my family or I want to go to school there because he’s been quite the opposite of support.i suppose this is payback for all the times in life when I was younger I didn’t know how to support a partner and also for not supporting him early on

Just venting and trying to figure out what on earth is this mess I’m in

that person from the past must have extreme favor on his life and didn’t even realize the bullet he dodged when we didn’t become anything