I'm confused now about my feelings
I'm 30 years old, my ex is 25, he left me because he said his 3 years old daughter was going to live with him in his house with his mother, his mother's cousin and her family, oh and also the mother (his ex). According to what he said, he did that because she threatened to leave to other place and that he won't see his daughter, she doesn't even have his last name, matter of fact he wasn't even at her birth because he even thought she wasn't his daughter, because his ex cheated multiple times, only because the toddler looks like him is just then that he came to realize that she was his daughter, even though there's no DNA test. Well, he left me because he said he couldn't be with me the amount of time i deserved and he left me when I needed him, my cat of 17 years old just died and besides my whole household is toxic, i live only with my mother but she is toxic, like way too toxic , she hit me yesterday because I forgot to buy something and she believes I'm this piece of shit that do things on purpose, I'm not..she thinks I'm like her hex husband, he raised me and everything bad that happens she thinks is my fault. My ex was my rock, he was my support, he helped me with my bills, I thought he truly loved me because of his actions, when my cellphone was stolen he bought me a new one, he helped me a lot at my job, we work together but he still helped me and wanted me to succeed, he even taught me stuff that could get him into trouble, he was so different from all the previous emotionally abusive relationships I had, that i thought genuinely he was someone special. Now he is writing to me continuously, i went through no contact and he has reached out several times, when I ask him why, he says he wants to know about me, that just because he decided to spend time with his daughter I decided to cut him off , i told him no, because it was his decition, a lot of people has children from previous relationships and they can live a good life, and he decided to exclude me from it , i don't know what to do. I don't want to get back together with him, my life is too chaotic for that, but at the same time I want him to regret what he has done to me...He wrote and said he misses me and i miss my rock too, but I don't know what to do, i don't trust him anymore
@Gabilu
I am honoured that you specifically request me to consider your experiences. Thank you for reaching out to me. I surely have no expertise, only failed experiences myself, but I am glad that you share and ask and I believe in talking, even if I don't know what I am talking about. I presume this is the message you intended. Please tell me if it is not.
I am glad you are here. Thank you for sharing about what sounds like an extremely hurtful situation. I feel that what you need most is a safe place alone from so much pressure and intensity. Peace can be so very precious, and I understand some times it feel impossible to come by.
It sounds as if you could say to both your mother and your ex "I need some time for me now. I don't know if I can be who you need, but I know that I can't without time for myself." You deserve to have good and safe for you. I understand that it is very hard to find now.
The only thing that concerns me that you say is "I want him to regret". That desire never gets anywhere. It is an outgrowth of a lack of peace, or so it seems. I want good and safe for you. You deserve that, and I hope you can help the others in your life to hear you.
Until then, and never counting on others, please keep sharing here, please keep reaching out to any good support you have in your life. You are good and you don't deserve the hurt others bring to you.
Close your eyes, breathe, and find a safe place. I hope you feel that I have done as you expected … I admit it's somewhat foreign territory for me to get a personal request.
Sincere best wishes. I am glad you are here.
Thank you, yeah, this is exactly the post I wanted your answer for, it's true, when i said i want him to regret i was talking out of anger and loneliness, I'm really sorry about that, it's just that its hard to keep on moving despite everything that happens at home and that i miss him still, but I do know that i need time for myself now , thank you very much for taking the time to answer, if you have something else to say you are very welcome
@Gabilu
I'm glad that I found as you wished. I hope you feel some peace from my words. I see that you have a very difficult situation.
Do you feel that you can request time for you, and that those close to you will consider granting it?
I am glad to hear from you and grateful you are here.
For my mom to grant it is difficult but now my ex doesn't want to stop contacting me 😭, on one hand he says he misses me and wants to talk to me but I do want to go into no contact because I want to deatach from him
@Gabilu
I support anything you can do to make time for yourself. I believe in you.
@Gabilu
And you say that it's hard to keep moving … that's ok. It's ok. It's ok to stop moving and just … stop … gather … breathe … release. You deserve peace.
Hello, i just posted something at the breakup community, if you want to check it out please and give me your answer, by the way it was nice to see you at the sharing circle the other day 🤗
@Gabilu
Hello my friend. Since this thread is somewhat old at this point, and since we're the only ones on it, can we just use this as our place to send messages to each other? That sound great to me. It's like a public email, but a way we can stay in touch. You're smart.
So, will you do me a favour and put your other post here so I can see it and I don't need to find it, and this way you and ask or tell me anything you want here, and you know I will see it.
This is our safe space. I look forward to hearing from you.
My name is Jeff, by the way, and I would be happy if you trust me with yours.
@Gabilu
I found the other message, so you don't to copy it here. I think you have things that are important to you. I think you are good to stand up for what is good for you. I believe in you. The one other thing that I would say, from my personal point of view, if there are things you want xbf to _do_ (and I think there are, but you may just honestly wish to be separate, which I personally believe might be best in any case), I personally believe that it's really important that you say you want him to do those things and what they are. From my experience the worst thing is "if you loved me you would do what I wanted; if I tell you it makes it meaningless". I personally hate this because usually I don't know what is wanted, and so I only know that it is wanted that I do something, but I don't know what it is.
So, here's what I see:
1. Stand your ground and insist on what you need. Do not compromise. It's not worth it. I believe in you and will support you if you need strength to persevere for this.
2. I believe you may be better moving to new and better for you in all cases, given what I have heard from you before. I promise you there is so much better out there for you, my friend.
3. *IF* you want to even consider returning to the old situation (which again, sounds like a not-great idea to me), then I strongly believe that if you want someone to do particular things you need to be as explicit and direct as possible as what those particular things are. Please never say to anyone "If you care about me, you will figure out what to do". I believe you're better than that, and I don't believe you're doing this, but I hear that over and over in my head from my experiences.
I am proud of you, Gabilu, you can do this. And … I am here for you now. You have brought me, and we are safe together. I promise.
You can call me Gaby, I think I'm like this because I haven't known any better boyfriends out there, he was the best i had, but the rest has been crappy ex boyfriends, male chauvinists, cheaters, gaslighters and stalkers, not a good past see? That's why it hurts me so much him being good to me and then leaving, he helped me a lot in a time of need and even calmed me down during a panic attack I had, I feel like I've lost a part of me
@Gabilu
Hello Gaby. I am glad to meet you and know you. You're making progress and getting better. I am also making progress and getting better. Progress is difficult but at least part of it has to come from within. We can be strong together as we both improve our independence.
Since this is our safe place, I will open up more to you here, my friend. My name is Jeff. I am 51. I am a mathematics professor at university. I have been married for 15+ years. I am auttistic. I have an online lover in Australia who is so compassionate and caring to me. She understands me more than I have experienced in my life, and it is amazing. I am so grateful. Since April I have had terrible fears, which were worst in May, that she was pulling away from me, but she just needs time for herself and her family (she has a 5 year old autistic son who is just starting school and needs more attention now). I was so scared, but I now understand that she only wants me to be able to care for myself so that we can enjoy our time together and not need to spend our precious time. I now trust and believe in her fully and completely and I am starting to believe in myself and find my support where I can. 7cups is one place I can find support. We can be safe together Gaby, it can be good for both of us.
There is some of my truth. I will welcome if you are comfortable sharing any more of yours. I am glad that you are with me, and glad to be your friend.
@Gabilu
I think this is our safe place now. I appreciate you and respect you, and will always be caring and gentle in my thoughts. You clearly see value in me. Now we can share here and be safe together. Thank you for your kindness and interest,
Jeff
(if you want I can just call you Gabilu, which I now think of as "Gabby-Lou", but if you want to tell me something more, I will think of you or your name however you like)
@Gabilu
Also, if you ever want to schedule a time to meet in a group somewhere, we can do that here. This is our safe place.
Wow, I just read about your relationship, i hope you are doing better now, it's true, I definitely have to switch the focus , my ex doesn't have to be the focus of my life, i need to improve it and i will
@Gabilu
Gaby,
I am doing better, much better, actually. It's pretty great. You can be too. We can be better and stronger and less dependent. I know we can.
You should become a listener 👍 you are quite good actually
@Gabilu
What If I stay a listener just for you? How about that? I have reasons for not becoming a listener … it seems dangerous to me and too likely to lead me to bad situations.
@Gabilu
I will tell you why I am concerned if sometime you want to know.
@Gabilu
We are now equal Gaby … and I look forward to your comments as much as you to mine. I hope you find good for you. May I ask what time zone you live in? I am in Eastern US, i.e. I think UTC - 4.
@Gabilu
Ok … if you want to try my new listener account at @AppreciativeJeff I would be happy to hear from you Gaby.
Oh my, I didn't know you switched to a listener account
@Gabilu
It isn't a switch, but it's an option. Come talk to me?
@Gabilu
Hello Gaby. Haven't heard from you recently. I hope you are well. You are not alone.
@Gabilu
I was happy to see you again tonight Gaby. I believe in you. You're special. Don't forget it.