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I'm not sure what to do

User Profile: fragments9898
fragments9898 January 26th, 2021

I'm a 20 year old male and was dating a 20 year old female. Both of us is our first relationship, With the attachment theory I'm not sure if she's a dissmissive avoidant or a fearful avoidant since she exhibts both of them. We were friends for a year and we had great chemistry. We dated for 18 months and we broke up about 4 weeks ago. There were some issues in our relationshipwith her not expressing her needs but we were able to work it out most of the time. Besides that the relationship we had is really great, we always dm each other every single day and go on dates every week before COVID hits. I'd admit that I made a major mistake going passive aggressive and being petty in the last few weeks of our relationship. After the weeks she wanted a break up and I asked her for a two week break which she agreed. During the first week I only sent her one message apologizing what I did and how I was going to fix it. Then after that she said her feelings were the same that she doesn't love me anymore and she said suggested we can be friends. But only after 2-3 months after no contact. She also said that she understands if I never contact her again. I didn't understand it at first because two days before she stated about wanting to break up we got into a long phone call where we played a new game together.

Now it's been almost four weeks of no contact and I feel that I have recovered from the break up feeling way better than the first week. But I still have feelings for her and want to work things out with her. I would also say that she still looks at my story on snapchat and still sharing her location to me. She also have been going away from social media a lot since the last four weeks. I'm not sure what to do now since like I saw a bunch of youtube video saying doing 30 days no contact. Would it best be to just reintiate contact casually then slowly come back to the topic?

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User Profile: ouiCherie
ouiCherie January 29th, 2021

Hi @fragments9898

From what you told, sunds like the breakup is hurting both of you...

Does she know you still have feelings for her?

How are you going to make things different if you're going to try again?

Hope things will turn out the best for you

- 🍀

2 replies
User Profile: fragments9898
fragments9898 OP January 30th, 2021

Hi @ouiCherie! Thanks for responding!

Does she know you still have feelings for her?

Yes I told her on the phone call after the two week break where she said that we should wait 2-3 months for our feelings to die out. But I told her that I still love her and care for her.

How are you going to make things different if you're going to try again?

Currently I'm trying to work on my attachment style. Since I noticed throughout the relationship I'm pretty anxious as in like I always overthink what happens or get easily jelly. So I'm working on that by myself currently and with friends to get more into the habit of expressing myself so I won't be that anxious. That should also fix my passive aggressive and pettiness if I can explain how I feel. At the same time I would encourge from her to express her feelings to me whenever there is something that is bothering her. Since near the end of the relationship she did express how she wanted to be more open and that she can't and how my kindness is hurting her heart.

I'm unsure when I should attempt to reach out her or like how I should attempt to bring the conversation of coming back.

Thank you for reading!

2 replies
User Profile: ouiCherie
ouiCherie January 31st, 2021

Hi @fragments9898

Sounds like you are making efforts to make it work. That's impressive 😊 Best of luck and hope all work for the best for you 🍀

2 replies
User Profile: fragments9898
fragments9898 OP February 4th, 2021

Hey @ouiCherie

Thank you! :) Would you by any chances know when to like intiate it? Or just go with the flow?

2 replies
User Profile: fragments9898
fragments9898 OP March 22nd, 2021

Hey @ouiCherie

an update I did reach out to her a few days ago. I tried to start a conversation with her by asking how she has been and she was really dry responding once a day per message. It only lasted for a few days and she messaged me saying "sorry I don't want to text with you". Seeing that message hurted me as well since I still do have feelings for her so I assume it's basically over now there's no chance of a reconcillation but thank you for your advice! I'm sorry I couldn't put it to full use.

1 reply
User Profile: ouiCherie
ouiCherie March 22nd, 2021

Hi @fragments9898

I'm sorry to hear it didnt work out the way you want.

Agreed with thjakie that you don't have to go through this alone. We're here to support each other 🍀

However, I'd like to point out, I didn't mean to give any advice as I'm fully aware I'm not the one in the situation ♡ I apologize if it sounded like encouragement.

I hope it will be easier for you soon

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User Profile: thjakie
thjakie March 22nd, 2021

Relationships take 2 to work - if she says that she doesn't want to be more than friends you should respect that. You can't force how you feel on her. You can always talk to us here if you're having difficulties coping with how you're feeling and coming to terms with your situation. You don't have to go through this alone.

User Profile: Seaworld30
Seaworld30 March 23rd, 2021

I guess trying can't harm@fragments9898