Insecure and emotional when talking with husband
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years, married for seven. I have always had a problem with keeping my true feelings to myself, and having a hard time, expressing my opinions, thoughts on things, and even making simple decisions. Twice this has Highly affected our relationship. Both times it was because of the same reason.
growing up, I had an older sister and a younger sister, who had a better relationship with each other than they did with me. A lot of the times I was excluded to go play with other kids, or when I would try to talk or expressed myself, I was pushed to side or completely ignored. Or if I did say something they would come back with a snarky remark, or some thing to make me feel like what I said was stupid. To this day, I don’t have the best relationship with my oldest sister. A lot of the time growing up I would be the one that would get in trouble with our parents. because of how I was treated, my brain would force, that my thoughts and opinions didn’t matter so I would keep my mouth shut, and just let it happen. I would look for validation in other things which would get me into more trouble, and it became a cycle of guilt.
Now this is affecting my relationship with my husband. Both of us grew up with our parents making a decent living, but we were always told to save instead of spend, so we both have the mindset that spending money is not the best thing to do, and spending your money on frivolous things like eating out was a waste and a short-lived high.
those times this affected our relationship is because I lied about going out to eat. I feel the need to be satisfied or included with my coworkers, or the need to feel better about myself, because we do have money now that we can spend, but I still feel guilty about it, so I either don’t tell him that I go out to eat, or if he asks a lie about it to avoid him getting upset about me spending money when we have food at the house.
We’ve talked about it a little bit, and he’s not upset about the fact that I go out to eat, he’s upset about the fact that I lied about it. Which is understandable, because if the roles were reversed, I would be upset about it to.
My problem is that I’m having trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings to him because my opinions have always been pushed aside and I’m scared of what he’s gonna say because I don’t want to get into any conflict with him.
The other issue is that when I do want to talk with him, I get crazy emotional to the point where I can’t even speak and I’m at a complete loss for words. Both of us want me to be able to talk to him face-to-face, but right now, the only way I can even form a sentence to try to explain myself is by writing it down. I know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t know how to fix myself, but because he is the complete opposite of me I feel like he’s not going to understand the help that I feel like I need.
i’m reading books and articles and finding similarities between me and other situations and thinking about my past and understanding what needs to be done to help me overcoming this, but I can’t get past his possible disapproval or rejection or disinterest, if I bring any of this up, because I’m afraid it’s going to sound like I’m just making up excuses and trying to turn it into something that it’s not
there is a lot to unpack and process, I just don’t know what to do, or say to get us past this, and get in a position where I can actually try to work on my issues together
Maybe try changing your mindset. Right now, personal expression is emotionally charged and loaded with all these repressive triggers about trauma, rejection, and childhood fears.
When you think about communicating all of these feelings to your husband, it is bound up with emotional anxiety, fears of what he will think, fears of his rejection, fears he won’t understand or will think it is excuses. OK that’s good - I understand all of this because just now you were able to communicate all of that to us in this post very clearly and concisely! And how courageous it was for you to articulate your flaws and fears like that! When I read this, I see a person desperately concerned for her marriage, who wants to work on her issues, who has admitted that she has made some mistakes, who understands her husband’s point of view. You are a reasonable person, who is genuine and sincere about her personal growth! You come from a place of love and a desire to be understood! You crave validation from people, and love and acceptance! That isn’t anything terrible. Don’t feel ashamed about any of that.
All of that is your TRUTH. Some of it fills you with apprehension, and it’s OK. Your past with your sisters was damaging, and there’s a reason for why you now have trouble expressing yourself to people who you value or seek validation from (Such as your husband).
Some things you might try:
1) Try and move away from “Emotions”. It’s healthy to be attuned with our feelings, and we shouldn’t live in denial of our emotional state, but at times when we allow triggering intense emotions to overwhelm us, this tends to become part of the problem. When we focus on FEARS we tend to avoid things instinctively. Fears activate our primitive “flight” responses and inhibit us from getting anything done. Rather than fixating on Emotional thinking/fears (“I feel/I’m afraid of …”) try and orient yourself towards PRAGMATIC thinking (“What the situation needs is ______”; “I can improve my expression by _____” “The reasons I want to improve myself are _____”) When we guide ourselves towards making factual observations like this, we feel more in control. We start to disconnect from our emotional self and start to let our rational self emerge. Emotions can be powerful drives, but it’s pragmatism that needs to steer! 😹You’re very perceptive. I can see it in how you write and your grasp of your own situation- TRUST in yourself! Your rational self is very capable. Let it lead more often.
2) Practice self expression. ALL the time. When you’re alone start talking to yourself. About ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Read aloud to yourself. Read song lyrics. Recite silly nursery rhymes. Write a personal diary and read it aloud to yourself. Even the most trivial thought - “This coffee needs more sugar!” Try saying it out loud instead of just thinking it. And will you feel very silly at the beginning? of course you will! but maybe thats the point! The point of this exercise is “SO WHAT!” 😹 So what if a thought isn’t important? So what if youre in a room talking to a pot plant! So what if you express yourself! Nothing terrible will happen! Acclimatize yourself to the act of expressing yourself. Because just expressing yourself, the simple act of you having a voice is what’s important! And it’s already there, that power is inside of you just waiting for you to use it! To sing, to laugh, to shout, to talk to your husband, to chit chat about the weather or whether pineapple belongs on a pizza! Take the emotional gravity out of everything. And then after a time when youre very comfortable with your own voice and more comfortable with self expression - do this same exercise with expressing your feelings. And even if you feel sad and anxious, or slightly overwhelmed, try voicing it all out loud alone in a room by yourself. Try saying to yourself out loud what your fears are, what you hope for, what hurt you. Take a deep long breath, and persist through the struggle. Build up a resilience to emotional expression. It will be terrifying and challenging at first, but you will get better at it! You will grow more confident over time. The thoughts and fears that inhibit you, they will be less restrictive with more exposure.
3) REFRAME THE NARRATIVE. This could be about trauma, and rejection, and fears , a wife who lied to her husband, a woman who thought she didn’t deserve to be heard .. OR it could be about courage, liberation and empowerment! Your personal story of how you fought to improve yourself, by embracing your challenges, acknowledging your faults and being committed to working on your marriage. You’re not irreparably broken. Every day is a new day! Your husband is your ally in this. You’re in this marriage together. You’re doing this for him, as much as for yourself! Anything that improves you also improves your marriage. Do this as an act of love, of self acceptance, a step on the pathway to growth, and self improvement. All of it is beautiful! Let your husband be a part of something beautiful!
CatsInTheCradle
