Is it really me
Sometimes I wish I had someone looking in on our lives to toss flags and point out where we’re going wrong, even if it really is me... my fiancé and I argue almost daily anymore. Could be about anything really. Example tonight, he wanted to book us a cabin for our wedding night. This question was tossed around months ago, but he didn’t feel we needed one so I dropped the idea. So today he brings it up and I say “sure! Let’s sit and look together!” Excited to see his change of mind. When he showed me his first and only choice, I asked about amenities and to see the pictures. Somehow it turned into I was controlling the situation, could never let him do something nice because it had to be “my way or else”. He started raising his voice and clicking a pen and I asked him calmly to stop the clicking because it was kind of distracting and I was trying to give him my full attention. He tossed the pen and said he wasn’t doing fng anything wrong but had to “fng obey me or else”. I said that I was trying to be respectful and talk calmly with him and he accused me of calling him names and raising my voice at him and he was simply matching his tone. That wasn’t what was happening and I called him no names or swore. I called a timeout with our safe word and went on a drive. I came back, and he had begun pounding a 6 pack (finishing it in less than 3 hours). So now I’m laying in bed and he’s in the garage with his beers, texting me paragraph upon paragraph of how I am selfish, how he’s given up everything to be with me, that he’s never been able to live his life because it’s 100% my way or nothing. I didn’t respond. I stifled a panic attack. I got in my car and drove around town. Meanwhile he’s bombarding me with more messages and saying we’re done. In the past he’s told me that “you make me want to klll myself”. He’s broken furniture, flipped tables, punched doors...2 weeks ago he punched a light fixture and cut his hand (he probably should have had stitches). I see a therapist and a psychologist, have been recently diagnosed with adhd at age 32, and am at a loss...I feel like the things he says are happening are fabricated in his mind and he truly believes I am vindictive, selfish, spiteful and uncaring (his exact words, not mine). My counselors know of the dynamic and say he’s narcissistic and abusive. How can I show him what he’s doing is harmful? How do you tell someone they need help with their anger when they think YOU are the problem and blame you for their outbursts...I’m at a loss...I’m depressed, have little self worth, a racing mind, and am starting to believe I really am this monster he says I am.
@sadcupcake30,
it's not you, And it seems to me that it might not be him either.
First, if you counselors really say that he’s narcissistic and abusive, they are behaving unethical by diagnosing someone they never treated, and I would strongly advice you to ditch them asap and get some real professional counselors.
It's definitely not you. Seems to me it's not him either, as something seems to trigger him, he is not able to be aware of being triggered, and lashes out. That must be very painful for you. It's painful for him too. Seems like a nasty pattern has developed, and if you both take deep breathes until you feel at ease, look into each others eyes, and you do feel a bond, then you should seriously consider joint counseling. And it seems that your partner needs professional help. Have you ever tried not responding at all when he lashes out? Have you ever expressed how it makes you feel when he vilifies you? And that it hurts you to see him react like someone took over, and you can feel the pain behind his behavior?
This link might help to get a better understanding of this hurtful and damaging pattern:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200904/how-deal-angry-partner
Take care.
We are actually seeing a psychologist for couples therapy, and a little more info, and I’m not trying to put a bad stigma on this, he’s a retired combat veteran previously diagnosed with traumatic head injury and ptsd. He refuses medication. He’s also got a back injury (started from combat injury and exacerbated by laborious career in carpentry and flooring. He’s been diagnosed 100% disability which I know is hard for him, and seems depressed, but doesn’t seem to want any advice or treatment when offered, flat out refuses and says he doesn’t really need it...and my counselors only note that the behaviors discussed sound narcissistic and during his anger episodes they are concerned he may get physical with his outbursts and frequent history of breaking or throwing things...
Sorry to say but I don't think you need to show him anything I think you really need to get out, he's emotionally abusive and doesn't seem far off physical and manipulative, please be careful and don't feel guilty putting yourself first!
Strangely enough, our counselor told us to pick a safe word during disagreement and it’s “cucumber”.
@sadcupcake30 What stood out to me reading your post was the contrast in communication and coping skills between you and your fiancé. When provoked, you are able to communicate calmly and respectfully, implement strategies such as calling a timeout and removing yourself from the situation, and deal with your own emotions by learning to calm yourself down, talking to a therapist, and even posting here to express your feelings. When provoked, he tends to raise his voice, swear, throw or break things, binge drink, and blame you for his actions. I hope you can realize from reading this that when each of us is in a triggering or uncomfortable situation, we have choices in how we respond, and that you can feel good about how proactive you have been in learning and implementing communication and coping skills. It sounds like you are also starting to realize that there is nothing you can do to change his actions or make him want to change, but what you can control is how you react and what boundaries you want to set. I can see by the title of your post and especially in the last line you wrote that his behavior and pattern of blaming you for it is understandably leading you to start internalizing what he’s saying about you, as well as causing feelings of depression and anxiety. I encourage you to continue to be proactive in looking at your thoughts and feelings from this situation and in deciding what actions you’d like to take as a result.
This was very reassuring to hear that my efforts are at least pointed toward a positive result. My counselors have given me great tools, and though I had suffered from anxiety and depression before we even met, I’ve been trying whatever I can to be positive and proactive. I want to be a good person! I want to be a wonderful spouse! I want my children to have everything, if not a loving mother! I just feel like my efforts are for nothing. I’m just at a loss anymore...I feel like I’m giving up slowly, and it hurts thinking that way. I promised to always be there through dark skies and rainbows, but I don’t know where I’m going and I haven’t seen sunshine in far too long...
@sadcupcake30,
your counselors should not even sat that the behaviors discussed sound narcissistic. Never ever. Your partner is, as you added, suffering from PTSD, diagnosed 100% disability. I can imagine how hard that must be for him. Since when have you two been doing couples therapy? At least, your partner agreed, and to me, given his background and situation, it seems that he really wants to make it work. Life must be very hard for your partner. I played in a sportsteam, long time ago. There was a guy in our team who easily laughed, very likely and nice guy. He went on a UN peace mission. He came back, joined our team again. I remember that there was a club event, with DJ's, party. I sort of asked him how he was feeling (he was not looking happy). He started crying.
What I am trying to tell you, it wouldn't surprise me if your partner's past experiences won't let go of him. Did the counselor you have for couples therapy ever suggested to him to get his own therapist? I am in couples therapy with my wife, and our counselor did suggest to my wife to start seeing a therapist too (she has too much on her plate).
Take care
I agree with you, and yes, I’ve encouraged him to do his own therapy, he starts, then makes excuses and stops going. Says it doesn’t help, they cancelled on him, he forgets to go or knows he has an appointment and calls off because he doesn’t feel like driving to it or he sleeps in. It’s getting scary for me. I walked away and locked myself in the bathroom just now and he gave 3 hard pounds on the door and knocked a hole in it. He blames me for his anxiety, making him break and throw and hit things. Often I walk away or leave to get away from him and that only makes him more angry that I’m disrespecting him. I know he’s hurting, but to what expense? What about my 6 year old son? What happens when he becomes aggressive towards him? What happens when he’s woken up in the middle of the night to things breaking and his mother crying? I’ve urged him to see a therapist, urged him to take the medication they prescribe, urged him to do the therapies his doctors prescribe and recommend but he won’t. He makes excuses and says I’m the one who needs therapy and medication. I’m past my limit and love him so much but I can’t let him destroy everything around me anymore...I don’t know how to get him to understand his destructive behavior...or even if he cares
@sadcupcake30,
have you never brought this up during couples counseling? Are both of you still doing couples counseling?
I haven’t...our last session got rescheduled, and I’m afraid bringing it up would only start another breakdown. I guess I’m not sure how to bring it up constructively without sounding threatening, accusing, angry or like I’m trying to make him look bad. I love him. It’s not always like this. But when it is...it’s not good...
@sadcupcake30,
if you are resided in the US, have you ever considered reaching out to the US Department of Veteran Affairs?
If you are not resided in the US, where are you resided?
I haven’t, but he goes to the VA regularly and says he’s had a mental evaluation...what would I even say??
@sadcupcake30,
did you ever contact the VA for help? I'm not an expert but they seem to offer help, f.i. through Coaching Into Care:
https://www.mirecc.va.gov/coaching/
