Knowingly Minor Struggles That Feel Major in Our Marriage
I apologize in advance for the long post. This is my first time on here and I’m hoping it goes well, please let me know if I didn’t utilize this correctly 😬. 🤞🏻 My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. We began dating in high school at age 17. We are now about to be 27. The type of person I developed to be since a young age was a planner. Going into our relationship I felt I was clear on what I wanted my future to be - as far as where I would want to raise our family, how I wanted to begin our family, how my family dynamic is, etc. I knew that as we grew older some things would change, and I am not a “this is what it is because I said so” type of person. I know we must adapt. The first two years of our marriage My husband was very agreeable to my train of thought....but I feel like as we are getting older my “wants” are becoming a topic of argument all the time. He gets frustrated and “doesn’t argue” (except for he begins elevating his voice and giving attitude) and I shut down and become quiet to avoid further conflict. I get frustrated/anxious trying to get my thoughts across and try to distance myself from the conversation to not further aggravate the situation (usually I end up crying in our room.) I try to explain my thoughts and although I know he is listening to what I’m saying I know he is not understanding me. He begins to talk about my older sister whom I have lots of respect for and says that my thoughts are not my own. I don’t know how I can better explain that my thoughts are my own - not my siblings. Advice?
Hi crystalvalley, This is my first time on this platform too and what you've written here are pretty similar to what I'm currently going through too. Same age and same years of being married lol! I need some advice from others too, if you don't mind. What my husband said was that we should try to make ourselves happy instead of expecting others to understand us and make us happy. I strongly disagree. Whatever he does or says, it affects me on so many levels! And when I cry, he just doesn't get it. So it's best to just stay quiet instead of trying to make him understand. I usually end up crying too ugh! 😑
Hi Suuuu, Thanks for replying! Of course I don’t mind - The more people that join in the more perspectives we can gain from! I completely get what you’re saying. What our significant others say definitely does affect us (or at least me too.) As a significant other I feel that they should at least TRY to be understanding. I do think he’s on the right track as far as “we should try to make ourselves happy” but that does not mean that as a couple you shouldn’t try to be amicable. Hope it gets better Suuuu ❤️
@crystalvalley
Could you please be more specific, what exactly would you need from your husband? Do you want him to understand you? Or to agree with you?
Please describe. How would you know that your husband understood you? How would he behave? What would he say?
Why do you think your husband gets frustrated?
Everyone has our own needs and wants. They may be different for each other. But sometimes they may look different at first glance, but when we communicate them properly, we find that they are not that different.
It is not the duty of anyone to meet the needs of another. Everyone has free choice. Either they want to or they don't. Of course, we can influence the other to some extent by using appropriate communication.
If you want you can send me a message.
Hi @MichalE , I would like for my husband to understand me. It would be great if he agreed with me but I really just want to understand what I’m saying. I would know he understands me if he verbally acknowledged that he understands my feeling are just that...MY feelings, not any of my family members. And I feel that he shows his frustration by elevating his voice and using sarcastic tones and giving an attitude, rolling his eyes, etc. Thank you for your response 🙂
@crystalvalley
Thank you for your answer. It's good you know what you want. Do you have any situations where he did what you want?What was different?
Do you have any explanation for why he's frustrated? How do you think he could understand your need for understanding? Only my assumptions. And it doesn't have to be that way. For example, could it be that he understand it as complaining that you are dissatisfied with him? That something often bothers you?
How do you approach your feelings? As thoughts and feelings are constantly changing during the day.
I ask questions to know what's going on between the two of you. How you understand each other. And how you communicate your needs. Maybe it would be good to give a concrete example of what is happening. Feel free to write me a private message. I'll be happy to help you.
@MichalE For the most part in our relationship we were very agreeable with each other. If I wanted to go somewhere, do something, etc. he would be excited about it and have fun. To answer what’s different, and is there any explanation, there’s a long list but I know that the major strain on our relationship right now his the work stress he carries. Which I try to be as understanding as possible.
@crystalvalley
It sounds like he distracts from the issue (your wants) and deviates instead to an imagined source (your family) of those wants. It escalates into an argument as he proceeds to invalidate everything you've said about the issue.
Unfortunately, even in your post, the main question has become - "how I can better explain that my thoughts are my own - not my siblings", rather than "I feel like as we are getting older my “wants” are becoming a topic of argument all the time".
Best wishes!
@0m ahh yess! That is exactly what I feel is happening! Thank you for your reply 🙂 And yes unfortunately my question has now become “how can I better explain...” because I’ve realized that that’s the only way that we’ll be able to get through things in our relationship and have an understanding of the “wants” in our relationship 😕
