Long term relationship struggles

Hi folks, I have been with my partner for 2 years now, we live together and have cats. I love her, but she is ahead of me in life in terms of where she is at with readiness to settle down and plan the future. This is a big cause of guilt and fear within myself. I have anxiety and am constantly feeling guilty for the toxic thoughts and intrusive thoughts I have. I would never cheat but I am scared that even having an appreciative thought about someone else is cheating. I have a lot of struggles mentally so it's just one of many things but it causes me a lot of shame if I even find someone else attractive. I had a romantic dream about a coworker the other day and woke up feeling so terrible like I was unfaithful even though I don't control my dreams. I've never had a relationship this serious before and this could also maybe be self sabotage due to things getting more serious. I also feel like I'm the only person that has felt this way and I'm a bad person. Is this normal? am I a bad person?