Lost

I'm afraid to write this. I've been keeping this in my head for so long and I'm afraid to say any of it. I'm in a relationship right, we've been together for 5 years. We've struggled alot through the whole relationship. My boyfriend is an addict, and we've struggles through his many relapses. I've been on the verge of ending it with him many times.

That's not why I'm here though. I had a friend, who I felt very close with prior to my relationship. We stopped talking once my relationship began. Over the last year, they keep coming up in my mind. Over and over again, sometime more or less. But a few days ago, I had dream that we got married. We were never in a relationship, but there was always a question in my mind. I don't want to cheat, I abhor cheating. I'm just so lost. I don't know if these thoughts are from the lack of overall intimacy now or what it is. I'm just lost, and I wish I had some sort of resolve. I thought it was a guilt from the loss of contact, so I've apologized to him. But I it still hasn't stopped.

I don't know if anyone has better insight on this.