Love/sex life advice
Hello everyone,
Just here to talk about my situation and see if other people can rely and/or give me some advice.
So I'm 26 now, but when i was younger i always viewed love as something pure and never had so much interest in sexuality. I never really thought of it before but for the last 3year i start having doubt if I'm not the one having some issue on the way i deal with my love life.
Basically that's what happens, i meet a girl, we spend a lot of time (weeks/months) talking and enjoying time together, we get really close to each other. Then I realize i start having feelings for her but I'm really worried about loosing the friendship that we have, so at some point I just decide to be straight forward with my feeling and tell her about it, she tell me she is not into me and then as hard as I try to stay her friend she end up disappearing from my life few days after.
After that i feel down, so i start questioning myself and my values, i go flirt with some girls, have some ONS/super short relationship.
This happens twice to me in the last three years but everytime it hurt really hard. The thing is i have no interest in sex when it comes to the woman i fall in love with, i just want to spend my time with her so i just don't flirt with her, but when it comes to other women i can flirt and have sex with them.
I don't feel that i want any sexuality but when i fail with the woman i love, i think i just blame the fact that I'm not sexually active and i feel so bad that i just become sexually active to be loved.
Am i the one with an issue for not feeling any sexual attraction for the woman I love?
I just feel like I could end up in a relationship with the woman i love if I included flirt/sex into it, but that's really not what I want.
Also should I refrain from telling someone my feeling in order to keep a friendship?
I get quite confused because I feel the more i have good intentions toward someone the less chances i have to be in a relationship with them.
So if you have any advice/any other way to see it or even want to share similar stories it would be really nice.
Thank you, have a nice day.
@Adrien026. we can't give out advice but maybe she just saw you as a friend and 7 cups is more about listening than giving advice.
Thanks for the answer.
Yeah i know she saw me as a friend and I was ok with that.
I posted here because I want to understand myself more than because I want to understand what happened.
@Adrien026 good luck then hope you find answers and happy belated new year 👍
@Adrien026 Hmm have you thought about maybe being on the gray-asexual spectrum? You could look that up and see how you feel about those types of terms for you.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with the person you liked. Unfortunately it can take a lot of trial and error to match up with the right person who is compatible and both parties are interested. Don't give up. :)
Thanks for the answer.
Yeah the more years pass the more i think about myself being asexual.
But that's were my issue come from. I learned with time to flirt and being attractive to someone but that's not who I want to be. So once in a while I meet someone and I say "this is the right one, with her i can be myself" but being myself is kinda showing no romantic (by that i mean no excessive affection)/sexual interest.
I know it sounds weird but it's like i don't even try to be closer than friend with the one i love.
Ok so maybe i should tell you how i see love, i see it as something pure so it's not affected by sexuality or not even affected by other's feeling. Let's say I'm perfectly fine if my love is one sided and I can live with the fact that we stay friends. I mean for me love has to be one sided to be real, if it depends if the other person loves you back then it's not love.
But with time i start to think maybe my vision of love is a bit weird. It's like i feel i could get what I want by changing my behavior and being more selfish but at the same time i feel that changing will destroy the love as i see it.
My dilemma is I want to be with someone I love , if i love someone i don't want to give her anything else than pure love, but if i want to be with someone i need to make it a bit more selfish and if i want to make it more selfish that means love won't be pure anymore.
Hope you get the idea.
It's like would you rather be yourself but alone or be with other but not be yourself anymore.
@Adrien026 Hmm that was a little abstract but I did my best to try to follow it. I know okcupid lets you put asexual spectrum on your profile, and I have seen some people doing that. You might also meet some people through a meetup group or just on the forums here (there's a gray/ace forum under LGBTQA). From what I understand, many asexual people want sort of a core partner who they can feel close to and cuddle or even kiss but not be sexual which maybe you can find in another asexual person. If you feel that flirting/being sexual is not true to you, definitely go with what feels best for you and what you need. :)
Hello, thanks again for the answer and sorry for the slow reply.
Basically I'm fine with being single, actually I'm more worried about the next time i will meet someone, I'm a bit scared of doing the same mistakes.
Of course being rejected hurt but not as much as losing a friend and feeling guilty about it. That's why I'm not really looking to get in a relationship but more how to confess my feeling to a close friend who's not feeling the same way without destroying the friendship.