Marriage help needed
My husband and i have been fighting alot recently. I lied about some things because i didnt want to hurt him and i didnt want to admit they were true. I know i did wrong and i shouldnt of lied to him. Now he doesn't trust me at all and accuses me of lying all the time. I can understand the trust issue part. But i have also learned that he has cheated on me multiple times over the years. But he gets so angry about something he thinks i am lying about and says that is not the issue and that i am throwing his past mistakes in his face. He gets completly angry and starts insulting me and calling me names. He has never been like this before. Now he is obsessed woth knowing everything about the guy i was with before him, which was 17 years ago and before i even knew him. He says that i am holding back what i remember and keeping it my little secret. I was only with one guy before him, i was 15/16 yrs old and completely stupid. While we have beem goung thru it ove come to realize that my ex used me. There was no relationship there, i was just a fuck buddy to this guy who was 23 when i was 15/16. I am havo g trouble remembering all of the details from back then, i was drunk a lot of the times, and my husband says that i am lying and hiding things from him. What do i do? I am trying my best to remember and give him what he wants to know. He says he needs to know to help ease and sooth his mind so i want to help. I want the fighting to stop. What do i do? Anybody have any advice? Btw we have been together for 15 years now, married for 13.
@Fjalb
First off you have to be truthful to yourself. Reading your post seems like your leaving a lot out. Its hard to imagine your H would be mad about a ex you had 17 yrs ago (before him) . On less you and this OM recently got together and your H found out? But why would you do that if you know he used you for a fuck buddy when you were young. I think there deeper issues here lets dig in!
He thinks that since i lied about somethings recently that everything ive told him is a lie. He wanted to know what the guy looked like so we tried looking him up on fb and couldnt find him at first. My husband finally found him thru arrest records. He showed me his pic now and it was one of the profiles we had looked at on fb but the guy looked a lot different so i had said that it wasnt him. It wasnt until my husband found a younger pic that i recognized him. He said that i should know who has been in me and now wants to know every detail so he can know that i am not lying and that our marriage isnt based on lies. I was 15/16 yrs old sneaking out to meet an older guy that i didnt really even know getting drunk because i wanted to be "cool" I am trying to remember more of those times but it was 16/17 years ago. A lot of it is fuzzy.
@Fjalb ok your first post you said you lied to your H because you didnt want to hurt him and didnt want to admit to truth you even said you knew you were wrong and shouldn't have done it. Now your saying he thinks you lied about something. Then you went on to airing he dirty laundry as a defense mechanism. This is not about him . I understand it all this is the way I started 4years ago and I can tell you from experience honesty is key. You have tell us what you lied about that makes him think you lied about something 17yrs ago. I know its hard to open up but it really does help
My husband brought up the idea of being swingers. He wanted to do it. I didnt know what to think. I didnt have an answer for him. He finally said that he was going to so it and i needed to jump on the train or get left behind. I was afraid he was going to leave me so i agreed. I told him i wanted to do it with him, and i told him i was actively working on it which was lies. He found a couple and we ended up meeting up with them. I didnt want to disappoint him. So i lied about wanting to do it. And afterwards i lied about what i thought about the experience and i lied about how i was working to help find us another couple. I was telling him what i thought he would want to hear that wouldnt hurt him.
@Fjalb it sound like your H is a deeply flawed individual but what worries me more is you are trying to seek his approval. You say you want him to trust you but it doesnt sound like you trust him. He wants you to be swingers but hes mad about a fuck buddy 17yrs ago? Theres something deeper going on here seek a marriage counseling (TOGETHER) it worked wonder for my married.
Im wanting to try therapy but idk if he will do it. I told him i was going to set up an appt for us i found a couple therapist nearby. I hope he will do it with me. I am trying to trust him but he keeps saying that he is going to be going out saturday night with another girl and hes gonna get him some somewhere else and he refuses to touch me in any way.
Is this a relationship you really want to continue? Your priority is you and your life. What does he offer you to make your life happy, comfortable and loved? It sounds all very one sided and you chasing after someone who does not value you at all. It's frightening to contemplate leaving a relationship and being on your own for a while but believe me it's so worth it. I was in a toxic relationship and totally lost the person I was just to please him. Please, consider what feeds your soul, what love means to you and that you need some self care. You are worth so much more than being a doormat to a man who does not see himself in the wrong at all.
