Memories keep popping up

TW: rape, abuse

Also, this may be a little long, bear with me

So, by the trigger warning your probably get an idea of what my romantic past looks like. My first relationship was, in a word, bad.

A couple days ago I posted about having problems accepting my husband's past with his ex (the post is called "help! I can't get over the past"). She was his first love and they dated for a really long time, which makes me feel insecure for a number of reasons, and he still cares about her even when he acknowledges that the relationship ended up being quite toxic.

The thing is, for the last couple days, I have been thinking about what a first love is and who was my first love. I would love to say that my husband is my first love (after all it is my first serious relationship), however I fear my first love might have been the second guy I dated, let's call him P.

P was my friend for about a year before I realized how much I liked him. We used to spend hours and hours talking while cuddling. He would put his head in my lap and I would play with his hair while we talked or he would hug me and I would lay my head on his chest and feel safe. I always felt safe and warm and comfortable in his arms. He would kiss my hand while he drove or if I was standing up and he was sitting. He was my first kiss and I got very nervous when we kissed, but also safe. We would make out and then lay in bed cuddled together watching movies and I always felt safe and happy with him.

All of these memories I have tried for years to deny. I want to forget them. I don't talk about them and I try not to think about them either. P (and here comes the TW) raped me. I lost my virginity to him, but not willingly. He was sober and I was sober, it was a Tuesday afternoon and he didn't stop when I asked him to stop and he held me down by force so I would stop pushing him away from me and hitting him. He complained that I was resisting too much. As soon as I could leave I did and he was mad at me, he said I was a b!tch and that I had no right to be mad at him.

He apologized about a week later and it was easy to forgive him. He said he never meant to hurt me and that he would never hurt me again. He cried when he saw the bruise he left on my wrist and he kissed it with tenderness. I had always felt safe around him so it was easy to go back, to believe it was never going to happen again.

But it did, some time later it happened again and again and again. We were together for around 9 months after that. He would apologize again, but with time it was only whenever he did something specially bad. He threatened me, he hit me, he did awful things.

These are the memories I keep of him. They remind me how important it is to set boundaries. They remind me to not tolerate certain things, red flags, because I know how bad things can get.

But lately, the memories that keep popping up in my head are the happy ones. There were a couple of times when I did want to have sex with him and I did love to watch movies with him and whenever he kissed me and hugged me it felt natural, like I was were I was supposed to be.

I think I have gotten to the point of admitting to myself that P was my first love. I just need to figure out how to accept that fact because it is causing me insomnia and anxiety attacks. I feel angry whenever I remember something nice with him, I feel heartbroken too. I don't know how to deal with all of this, I don't know if maybe it would be easier to go back to pretending I was never happy with him.