My best friend comes to me for all of her personal issues and it drains me, but I'm the only person she has and I can't abandon her
so I have a best friend, let's name her Sarah bc i don't want to use real names. Anyways, Sarah and I have been best friends since the 7th grade, and we actually just graduated hs yesterday- it's been a long time. and I love her a lot, I'm really close with her and I cherish our friendship, but I feel like over the last few years I've basically become her 2nd therapist and it's stressing me out. She's dealing with a lot of difficult things in her life; bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, an eating disorder, anxiety, she has major abandonment issues(which i guess comes from her bpd), fairly shitty parents who don't care as much as they should for everything going on and are the cause for a lot of her problems, a pretty bad childhood, some horrible ex's, one of who sexually assaulted her, and many more things that I literally can't remember. It's a lot. And I absolutely love that she feels comfortable enough to come to me about these things, but I feel like every text convo we have is about her problems. She has a lot of breakdowns so I understand and I don't hold it against her, but every convo goes like this: Sarah: hey Me: hey! what's up, how are you? S: *sends a 15-pronged text about one of her disorders acting up Then I try to comfort her for like 2 hours. And even then, I know I haven't done much because I very quickly run out of things to say. It's difficult when she keeps saying "everyone hates me, everyone wishes I was gone, I'm a waste of space" and I repeat the opposite 100x, I start sounding like a broken record because I genuinely don't know how to get her to listen to me telling her all that isn't true. A lot of the time, I ignore her messages for hours on end (currently am rn) because I just don't have the mental energy to sit for 3hr and help her with another new thing. I feel like such a shitty friend, but it's the honest truth and I've been avoiding accepting that truth for myself. The simple solution seems like it would be to figure out a way to tell her I can't mentally take this, but she has no one else. Her parents live pretty comfortably, but they don't care much for her issues and don't always get her meds, and Sarah has a somewhat busy life so she can't go to therapy often. If I straight up left her, I know I'd probably spark the worst abandoment issues for her, especially after all the times I said I'd never leave her side. I could never do that to her. But I can't do this. I've other concerns about our friendship too, but that's not what I came here to talk about. I just need advice, or just some words of comfort. Unlike her, I don't have a real therapist or someone I can talk to, so I have to come to a random internet thread haha. TIA. sorry this is so long.
oops the formatting messed up on this, idk what happened. sorry.
@bluefriend21 maybe suggest she see a professional or some sort of consuelor
@bluefriend21,
you are not her therapist.
You say she's got a therapist, she should talk to her therapist. Tell her it's all a bit much for you. If she's a true friend she'll understand. If not, then I'd say she's using you (I'm not saying on purpose but she is). Nobody should make you feel drained.
@bluefriend21 Your story sounds so much like me. I had a best friend for years. I was there for her when she was going through depression, family issue's & she's been there for me. As we got older, I started noticing huge differences and a shift in our friendship. Our life paths became different so who we are a friends became different as well. Her life was being a mother while mine is being a Caregiver to my mom. She day drinks and I don't. My current lifestyle is something she doesn't understand but she's not supposed to. When I started noticing that I was always coming to her with my problems and when I noticed that she was ignoring me, I made the decision to let her go. I removed myself from her life because I realized that we grew apart as friends and that I shouldn't have been bringing my issue's to her as she has her own life to deal with. I loved her enough to let her go on with her life so I can work on my life. I will always love her but I needed to work on my own life as did she. I say all that to say this, you are only human. Your friend needs more help than you can provide and you are not obligated to take on her mental health issues. You are not a doctor. If she loves you, she will understand. If not, you still have a life to live yourself. I hope this helps you❤
Hey I went through a similar situation as you in highschool with my best friend. I was her only support for years. I loved being there for her but it was too much on me. My advice would be to try distancing yourself from her first. Make time for her if it includes fun things you like to do together but don’t be available for her to vent for hours. If that doesn’t work then there’s nothing wrong with ending the friendship. Don’t feel guilty for having to make this decision, it’s perfectly understandable. It’s no one’s responsibility but her own to deal with her issues. You’re not responsible for her abandonment issues. Everyone needs to realize that we can’t depend on others in unhealthy ways cause it’s not good for them or for ourselves. We do need people and friendships are important but they should be good for both people. In my case I ended the friendship when we were about 19. It was hard but I didnt put blame on her. After about 10 months we slowly rekindled our friendship and she never brought her problems to me in an unhealthy way again. We definitely are there for each other through hard times like friends do but it’s in a healthy way. Relationships of any kind can have challenges. We’re in our mid 20s now and are best friends. I guess you never know what could happen. Just don’t feel bad, it’s so important to do things that lift you up, not bring you down. Good luck, hope this helps a bit 💜
@bluefriend21 Hi, I can definitely relate and have dealt with similar things with others who I was supporting in this type of way in the past. I understand your fear of cutting her off completely. What has worked for me in the past is to try to be assertive about limiting the amount of time you can talk first, like "I really want to support you, but I am struggling with my own stuff, so I can only talk once a week" or something similar.
