My dad is very ill but I don't know how to feel
My dad treated me horribly when I was a child: he hit me really hard when I had done something wrong (unnecessarily hard in my opinion, to the point where I was afraid of him and locked myself in the bathroom), he shouted at me, even threw me across the room once. One time my parents were arguing and my mum said that she would take my sister and leave. My dad said no I don't want to be stuck with her (me). He also repeatedly made fun of me (in a nasty, not a playful way) and told me I was "thick as shit."
My mum, having observed that my father and I had a terrible relationship sat me down one day and told me to treat him as if he were a "non-person," i.e. someone who was not my dad, someone whose opinion/behaviour shouldn't affect me. She told me to avoid engaging in conversation with him, only speak when spoken to sort of thing. I followed this advice and now I don't really have any relationship/any connection with my dad, just these painful memories from my childhood. (I am 26 now.)
My dad is very ill and could have a stroke at any time, and now I feel very guilty because I don't really feel as sad as I should. My sister is very upset about this but I am just not on the same level as her. He is mentally not really the same as he was before but still capable of having a conversation etc. I just wonder: should I make an attempt at trying to talk through these issues (after he has had an operation; I don't want to cause him stress that could bring a stroke on)? Or should I just accept that my dad and I will never have a 'real' relationship? Should I just forgive him because he is my dad?
@inventiveWheel4648 that is a lot for a child to go through. My heart goes out to you. No child should face such aggressive behaviour. It is not a matter of blaming, but just so hopefully you start acknowledging that you deserved a safe environment to grow in.
I wonder if you have looked into therapy on these traumatic childhood issues? I found family constellations therapy helped me a lot with family issues but if these episodes are still vivid I woukd look into trauma therapy such as Emdr (am currently trying it out myself).
Don't feel guilty for what you don't feel. Be kind to yourself. Be extra gentle with yourself.
Hope you can understand that it has nothing to do with you but with your father's own issues he may still have unresolved from his own childhood...
Am sorry,you had to go through this and grew up with it. Lemme tell u,the fact that he's your dad u have that room for him in your heart,but then what stops u is,his actions that u grew up seeing such reactions from him. What if even your dad had the same experience u had when he was a kid? Have u asked him about his childhood? Maybe nobody wouldn't have made an effort to ask him what's in his head? I think u must sir down and ask him if he's ok? Ask him his problems or whatever is in his head. Once done with his talks,just make his understand that,that's exactly what u went through for all these years. Hold hand in hand go on your knees and express the love not complaints. Over a cup of coffee,things change. If u want a real relationship with u dad,u gotta be real with your emotions. Now go ahead and take a sip! Good luck 👍
