My ex doesn’t love herself, but I still want her back...
My ex and I were together for 22 months, and nothing seemed wrong until she broke up me out of nowhere. It hurt and I begged and pleaded for two weeks, but after that I stopped contacting her altogether. I decided to use my time to reflect on our relationship and myself, and I discovered that I was an unhappy person. Towards the end we argued constantly, and most of the time it was my fault. I had become insecure, needy, irritable, and codependent, and no girl wants to be with a guy like that (I wasn’t a bad boyfriend, just emotionally unstable). Fast forward a month and a half, I realized I had a slight mood disorder so I did therapy to regulate those emotions, and I feel better than ever. I’m extremely confident and I love myself. So I decided to write her a letter, taking accountability for the things I had done and all of a sudden I find out through her moms social media posts, that the letter made her sad because “she was missing something from a while ago”. I started thinking about her and how she’s truly feeling, and I realized that she doesn’t love herself. It hurts knowing this because she loves me, and I love her, I know that I’m the best guy for her, but I’m scared that having a man in her life will prevent her from learning to love herself. I want to text her in a week to show her that I do understand how she feels right now and that I know how to support her. But I don’t want to be the reason why she can’t love herself... I’ve put in the work to improve where I was the weakest, so I know I can make her feel loved and cherished again. But should I? Is it possible for me to help her make progress towards self-love if we are in a relationship again?
Hey I’m currently going through something similar except I’m the one who left to love myself more. I’m sure she loves you very much and will come back to you when she’s ready to pick up where you guys left off but my advice to you is don’t rush anything, let her be the one to reach out to you since she is the one who called it off. I know it hurts but think of it this way, she wants to be the best version for herself and you. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who can love herself properly ? Sometimes we neglect ourselves when we’ve but others before us. I pray and hope you guys reconnect in the future but for now try to focus on yourself and any improvements you may want to make in your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you to get your mind off her for a little bit, it’ll all be okay.
Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing something similar. I agree that I shouldn’t rush things, but I’m worried that she won’t ever contact me. She didn’t show any signs that she missed me before I sent the letter and she became very cold towards me right before I stopped contacting her. I’m not blinded by my emotions anymore, I’m fully aware of her mistakes in our relationship as well, but I realize that I do have a true love for her. So it hurts knowing that she’s hurting this badly and it makes me want to do something to help her. I’m just afraid that if I try to help her, she’ll either lose her progress and start relying on me for happiness, or she’ll reject me permanently because she thinks that she’ll never be able to love herself as long as I’m around.
@Leaf513
I can imagine how it hurts when a relationship ends. Especially as a dumpee. I understand and I am sorry for that. It's a good thing you took the time to yourself. And you reflected on what the relationship was like. You also identified your mistakes. Good work.
Anyway, I wonder what you mean by your ex girlfriend does not love herself. How do you know? According to what? It seems to me that you interpret some things according to how you think they are. But maybe you didn't write everything. I only respond to what you wrote here.
You write that you understand how she feels. How do you know?
You write that you begged and pleaded. And what happened? You wrote her a letter. And what happened? And now you want to write to her again. What do you expect?
I guess I didn’t word certain things exactly right, I don’t know for sure exactly how she feels right now, but we both knew each other extremely well. Looking back I can see that she was still struggling with insecurities just like I was, and I’ve gotten small glimpses of her life through occasional social media posts that pop up on my page. I can tell that something is off, and based on her past behavior when we were together, I can tell that her self-love isn’t as strong as it should be. I spent a lot of time interpreting things how I wanted them to be, which is why I’m trying to take this as slow as possible. I want to make sure that I have the best understanding of what’s going on so that I can be strong in that situation. To answer your questions, I begged and pleaded about 5 times over two weeks and she ended up getting annoyed saying she wanted space. So I told her I would respect that and focus on myself. I wrote her a letter to explain that I don’t hold any resentment towards her and that I’m taking responsibility for my mistakes, but that I’m moving forward from them. Then finally, yes. I do want to reach out again, but not to convince her to get back together. I want to communicate again and figure out where she is emotionally. I love her, and I want to know if having me as a part of her life will help her long term, or if it will only hold her back.
@Leaf513
I really appreciate you writing here. And that you work on yourself. And yes, I see you love her. And I understand that.
I would like to help you. And I want to avoid assumptions or giving you advise on something you didn't ask for. So what would you need now? What is most important to you?
To your last sentence. „I want to know if having me as a part of her life will help her long term, or if it will only hold her back“. And I really don't know if that would help her. It depends whether she wants you as a part of her life right now. Does she?
I have no idea, that’s probably the best way to summarize what I’m struggling with. I have no idea what to think about her right now. Based off of our history and what I know about her, I think she does want me to be a part of her life but I also think that she isn’t sure what the best course of action is right now. I don’t think she understands the importance of loving herself and the fact that healthy relationships take a lot of effort to maintain. But I also know that she already has the ability to love herself and love other people properly, she just doesn’t know exactly how to express it in a healthy manner. I’m currently reading the 5 love languages so that I can have a better understanding of how she expresses love. Over the past week and a half, I’ve put a lot of effort into learning how to be a healthy and strong support for my loved ones, specifically my girlfriend (whoever my next girlfriend may be). I just wish I knew exactly what she needs right now. It would help me know if we truly are compatible and good for each other
@Leaf513
You wrote "she ended up getting annoyed saying she wanted space". How do you understand that? How would you best fulfill what she wants at the moment?
From what you're writing, it seems to me that you're trying to find a way how to convince her of something you think is right. To get her back? Or what? Maybe I'm wrong. So please correct me. I'm on your side. I'm just trying to understand.