My girlfriend is depressed

From my own experience, when someone is asking me all the time how I'm doing when I'm going through depressive episodes, it kinda feels like they're asking "Are you better yet?". Even if that's not their intention, it feels that way and that can be very frustrating.

Perhaps instead of asking her how she's doing or if she wants to talk about her feelings, ask her what you can do to support her. And that includes giving her space if that's what she needs. And perhaps at the same time, establish some boundaries to also ensure your own peace of mind. Like maybe have a check in once a week or once every couple of weeks where she gives you an update on her state of mind. It might seem a bit... odd to schedule stuff like this. But sometimes a bit of structure can help.

As for dates... they don't have to be expensive. It can be a picnic or a hike or just staying home and making waffles for breakfast. I know I love doing those things with my boyfriend and it makes me feel close to him and cared for when for example he makes me waffles.

I think the above post sheds great light especially when saying “how are you doing” can be interpreted as you asking if she’s feeling better and “done” with her depression. Like you’re constantly inside looking out the window to see if the rain stopped yet so you can get on with things.

I’m not sure how much the money thing has come into play when it comes to not going out on dates but I think that can cause a divide and drive a wedge of resentment speaking from my experience. My partner has that mindset more of saving money and not doing things but wanting to in the future whereas I’m more of a “let’s do it now life is short” type when it comes to traveling or a date to an amusement park or something like that that can cost money. One time we watched a movie(Click with Adam Sandler) about a guy who kept waiting for the future and ended up falling ill and missing his chance; it ‘s a comedy but at the same time supposed to serve as a lesson for viewers. My partner had seen it before and wanted to show me and after watching it with me reflected on how he was going to not put off things so much. However he kind of just went back to how he was in terms of saving and didn’t really stick to that idea.

now there are times I’m at a point where I’d rather travel by myself but it seems suspicious to him. I think maybe your girlfriend is at that point where it’s like she’s ready to do things on her own if you won’t do them with her. It might be worth addressing that. There’s a fine line between saving money and just not having any fun in the present and waiting for a future that never arrives. I think she could be feeling you’re treading on the wrong side of that line

To play devils advocate, if she doesn't get a chance to express her feelings and feel heard, having everything bottle up inside might make her feel like she's a burden on the relationship. Speaking from recent experience. The best thing might be for you to share your feelings, not about her, but about life in general and maybe it'll nudge her to do the same. Don't ask her to participate, just make the opportunity for her to feel heard with the pressure of you wanting her to.

@eumesmo

These excellent responses above have offered lots of insights already.

So I will just relate my experience to you as a Listener on here. Sometimes in the past when I am Listening to a person, they are very resistant to communicate their problem to me. It’s very hard for us to be vulnerable with people, because we are always conscious of how we are being perceived by others. We sometimes think that as their partner, they should trust us more and that should make it easier for them to discuss their feelings; but this is not always the case. Sometimes our partners are the people whose regard and validation we seek the most , which might incline a suffering person instead to retreat from wanting to discuss their problems with their partners for fear that their partners will think less of them.

One thing I learned to do to encourage people to talk about their problems - Was to NOT talk about their problem! That will seem completely counterintuitive at first and might even seem contradictory. So instead of overtly prompting them and pressing them to discuss their problem precisely (goal directed questioning), I would simply have a conversation. The reason is - interviews and questions make people defensive, especially if the subject is something sensitive such as depression that evokes emotions of shame. A conversation seemingly about not much in particular sets people at ease, it’s innocuous and reduces tensions.

More importantly, I know they are here to discuss a problem with me and (the member) also knows it too. But by framing the conversation as ‘open’- and not being restricted to discussing ‘the problem’ exclusively, the pressure is removed, and it communicates to the person: No matter what you say, or don’t say; no matter what you choose to discuss or do not want to discuss - I ACCEPT YOU. It is within that frame of absolute acceptance that people usually feel comfortable and safe enough to begin discussing their problem!

No one wants to define themselves as ‘a problem’ to be ‘fixed’. When we keep pressing people to tell us how they feel, asking them ‘what’s wrong?’ with a view to offering solutions - We may be asking with the best intentions, but what we communicate to them is that we see them as a problem that needs fixing.

You come across as someone very pragmatic (you like to budget yourself, you concern yourself with financial responsibility and so on). That is good, there is a financial reality that comes with relationships. But at the same time she might feel that your relationship together has become over emphasized on responsibility (which really dampens intimacy and excitement) and has been less about connection, and spontaneity. She might even be questioning if she is just a financial burden to you instead of a loved partner, if each time she suggests a date your instinct is to calculate the affordability. It might appear to her as if being with her means you are choosing between love and money.

I meant to keep it brief but i always get carried away. 😂

Anyhow those are my thoughts.

CatsInTheCradle

Some really good feedback here. I'm gonna add mine, as someone who was pretty depressed and had a wife who tried to help in her way. Which backfired, even though intentions were good.

This might be a long response so bear with me.

First, keep your distance. Don't get sucked in, don't feel how she feels. My wife would feel my pain,she was not able to sort of protect herself against that. Not good, being sucked in stresses you out.

Second, if you have a good intention, check upon that intention first. She might not be open to it. Very important, do not try to help. More important, do not make decisions without consulting her first. For someone who is really depressed feeling involved is very important. That could be something simple like creating a shopping list. You might not get input, you might. But keep inviting her, keep asking for input.

Next, do simple things like making tea for two, and inviting her to have tea with you. Just sit down, do not talk, just enjoy the moment. I had no such moments and you can't imagine how I so wanted them. TLC, in small doses, through simple things, is so important. A hundred thousand times more important.

Do NOT ask how she feels. Do NOT ask if she needs help with anything. Just show her, by leaving her alone and by keeping distance, like doing your own things, and by making tea for two, that you are there and are not going anywhere.

Look around in the internet. There are plenty of sources where you can get valuable input, like "help, my partner is depressed, how can I deal with it". There might even be group meetings you can attend. Do some research. My wife didn't and, let's say, her help did not help, on the contrary.

I remember her saying "you have a beautiful house, pets that love you, and a wife that loves you very much". Or "why don't you go for a walk" or "why don't you go for a bike". Depression drains you, so you have no energy to do whatever, only now and then. And I would hear "you don't understand how I d ie inside every day". I did not feel understood for years.

Also, do not ask how something is going. I was, depressed and all, looking for work, well, when I had the energy which was not too often. My wife kept asking like "did you apply, did you hear back, did you go the super market X to ask if they need help". I can tell you, all I felt was an enormous pressure, way too much.

There is much more but it depends a bit on the person and the severity of her depression. Bottom line, be kind, be patient, show by leaving her alone and inviting her, consulting her for simple things, and by not trying to help her, that you understand and are there for her.