My story: recovering from 2 affairs, codependency, and hyper vigilance

Well, I thought I would share my story here to start :-) 

In 2007 I married my wife after dating for a couple of years in college. As with any relationship, it was butterflies and amazing feelings for the first several years. We lived in a cute apartment in downtown Covington, KY. We would have fun nights on the town, stay up late binging Netflix (back when there was disc delivery), and were just enjoying each other.

We had our first child in 2012 who was an absolute blessing but, as expected, that made us scale back our freedom to be spontaneous.

In 2015 we had our next child who was born with a birth defect (duodenal atresia). It was traumatic but she was able to have it corrected at birth. And she too was a blessing, but I could see energy of my wife draining from our increased responsibilities and post-partum depression.

Then it happened. In 2016, my wife had an affair with a contractor doing work on our house. The affair lasted about 5 months. I forgave her, we reconciled, and we worked toward repairing our relationship. This affair coincided with her getting a work-from-home marketing job, her dad having an affair as well, and then telling me that all this awakened something inside of her. She was also experiencing some delayed post-partum depression from the birth of our second child. And layered on that, her father was recently caught having a long-term affair with a co-worker (who he eventually married). It felt like the situation was almost ripe for something like this to happen, though I was admittedly blind-sided. I prided myself on watching the kids as much as I could outside of work, trying to take as many chores off her plate as possible, and being a supportive husband with everything she did. Instead, I feel like I enabled her to have time to conduct this affair.

In the years after, we had wonderful times but after two more kids (for a total of 4 kids now, the newest being just 1 1/2 years old today), the current stress of finances and the economy, we just never had the opportunity to connect in ways as individuals that would have fanned the flames. I love her unconditionally and would always go out of my way to once again make sure she had time away (weekend retreats) and nights out with friends (I don't do anything like that) but again it felt like I was just enabling us to grow farther apart through my perceived support.

We had some blowups that led to her getting in her car and driving away (she tended to not want to have discussions around these big issues which she said were cyclical and never resolved like the mental load, learned helplessness, etc.). Despite me never calling her any bad names, she would verbally abuse me calling me "stupid," "***," "*** idiot," and more. I took it because I thought that was something she just needed to get off her chest (she has always been hot-headed). But these insults were frequent ways she lashed out in arguments. Still, things took a turn for the worst this summer of 2025.

This summer I was supporting her with picking back up marketing clients (which she had moved away from) and working on writing a book. We needed the money, and I wanted to support her ability to feel empowered and not fit into the role of a "housewife." We hired some babysitters to come during the week because she felt like she was drowning otherwise with the work. I work full time (though remote) and am the primary breadwinner with everyone on my insurance. But it was important for me to really enable her to see this through again.

As if like clockwork, it happened again. I noticed she was going on long walks at night alone (she told me it was to decompress). Instead of hanging out on the couch with me and my oldest son to watch shows in the evening (I would always rub and lotion her legs at this time, rub her back too) she would say that she was too tired from the day and would simply go to sleep. With my PTSD and hyper vigilance from the first affair I couldn't help but look at her text messages on her laptop. And, sure enough, she had been *** with someone new.

She had been posting these amazing political insight posts on *** that showed a pic of her (looking beautiful) yet holding a glass of wine and they had been going viral, giving her lots of attention. And though she connected with lots of people in a good way around this, she also, naturally got attention of men. One of these men she had been having "wonderful conversations" with (the kind I had been constantly trying to have with her every evening after work) and it was giving her that beginning of the relationship, rose-colored glasses, dopamine high (the butterflies).

Despite this second affair, I loved her and immediately forgave her. I did tell her that if she wanted to not be with me, I would support whatever would make her content and happy. She decided that she wanted to stay with me and for a few months our relationship went into a "Renaissance" of recovery. We were amazingly more intimate (I had to buy a new box of condoms and even got some erectile dysfunction meds to help me to keep up with her demand). She would initiate physical contact with me (a rarity for her) and it felt like everything was on the right path. But then, in the Fall here, as her work picked back up, I noticed her subtly drawing away again.

It was the usual behavior I saw from her: wanting to go to bed early without hanging out, being cold and indifferent to me whenever I tried to illicit conversation or give her warmth. I gave her a writer’s retreat weekend in a hotel (despite the two affairs) so she could work on her book uninterrupted while I watched the kids. While she was away I did about 7 hours of top to bottom household chores as well. And only just a few days ago, I made her a note with a big list of all the reasons I love and appreciate her even though these were things I told her every day. But nothing got through to her stone-cold demeanor.

Just yesterday, I sat down with her in the evening and though she said she didn't want to talk about any of this and gave me the "what do you want me to say?" mantra as usual. And we had a similar discussion to what we had earlier in the summer. She does love being a mom, but she doesn't want to be married. This time there is no one else and she just wants to live alone without me bothering her or expecting anything from her. She told me that we should divorce. I told her to appreciate her being open to tell me this and though it broke my heart to hear that I couldn’t make her happy, I would be willing to revisit this in a month to make sure that she still feels this way with some space. I told I'll support her and continue to love her either way.

I recognize what may have appeared to be love bombing and the textbook codependency that I created. I would love to save my marriage if I could, but I am also now in a place where I want to be with someone who will appreciate all the unconditional love I have to give, someone stable and who reaches out to me instead of me constantly being the one to reach out. A secure and reciprocal love that can enrich my life and serve as a model for my kids. I hope that I can do this with my wife, but I know that either way that relationship goes I can learn with counseling how to look for and find this with someone else.

I think the stress of the school routine starting back in August played a part of this. She also volunteers to be a coach for the kid's school academic team; she had previously also ran the chess club and was on SBDM. She tends to overextend herself. I'm aware that the more she gives to our kids, her work, and others, the less she has to give to our marriage. I did my best to be someone who filled her love tank but I think my PTSD from the affairs, hyper vigilance, and codependency actually depleted her tank; despite what I perceived as reaching and checking in daily, helping out overtime to help with the kids and chores, and constantly expressing my love and appreciation for her in multiple ways.

So here’s where I am today and what I am working on:

·         Although I would love to save my marriage and keep my family whole, I know that I am only half of that decision. I would like to break my codependency and become a more stable an assured man, regardless of my wife’s choice.

·         I am releasing hypervigilance and snooping. Her choices are hers — my power is in what I control.

·         I am trying to rediscover my passions — fitness, music, and new horizons yet to be found — to fuel my strength and joy.

·         I am trying to build fellowship and brotherhood with other men — forging strength, wisdom, and joy in community.

·         I am trying to be steady and loving without letting her coldness shake me. My role is not to chase her warmth, but to embody warmth myself — consistent, trustworthy, and grounded — so she knows I am safe.

·         And I am working to release the illusion that I can fix her. Healing is her choice, not my burden. My work is to grow into the man I am meant to be, whether she walks with me or not.

So that’s where I’m at!  

In this life, I am resolved to no longer beg for warmth.

Instead, I will be the fire, ready to warm those ready to accept its gift 😊