Narcissistic Abuse
how do i deal with someone who is verbally and emotionally and narcissistically abusive? he says there are reasons why he is the way he is, and it’s due to his stress (he supports his parents financially and works nonstop with multiple jobs (teacher, tutor, stock trader, investor, deals with all family finances, airbnb host), and owns numerous investment properties) during stress he swears and calls names and gets very irritated, treating me and his family similar but of course everyone else he is an angel to. i think taking your stress out on loved ones is weak, but if i talk about any other issues (of mine) he says it’s not a priority and brushes me off
@AlliXxoo Go with No contact they don't change usually and are toxic
is it possible to improve the relationship? maybe by not calling them out or taking a more chill approach to their frustration?
@AlliXxoo I don't think so I am not 100% sure I never really dated anyone like that my roommate said my ex was or had narc tendencies i am still kinda new to that terminology wish i could help more but i can't
no worries, i appreciate you for reaching out to me! you are right when you said that they don’t change though, and he doesn’t even think he is a narcissist either. so telling him these things or trying to talk to him just creates another issue when he isn’t even self aware of his actions/words in the first place
if it's possible, break off contact with him. there is no way you can have a mature conversation with him and he will never self reflect and think about his actions he's just going to find more excuses why his behavior is justified and then make you believe you're a horrible person for doubting him. it's a never ending cycle and always ends in you feeling horrible and him moving on with his life.
yeah that makes a lot of sense. i mean, we even talked about just being friends (well he wanted to be) and then afterwards he always broke that boundary and wanted me back the same. he has no close friends, i’m the only closest person he has and the only one he talks to. we basically live together and do everything together, but if something doesn’t go his way-his first thought is to want to just be friends. you’re right with how he makes up a lot of excuses though, and it has been a endless cycle for over a year now. (except he was very nice at the start and love bombed)
@AlliXxoo you could try to ask if he would consider consueling but with a narc it be hard
yeah, that’s a good idea too! i tried this a few times and he even said he would seek help-but i know he isn’t the type of person to reach out to anyone and admit something is wrong with him
I lived with a narcissist for 15 years and had two children with him. It was a miserable time and he nearly destroyed me with all the narcissistic traits. It took me three attempts to leave as he would play the victim and beg me to go back.. But I eventually made my escape. Run as fast as you can from anyone with narcissistic personality, and follow with the no contact rule . It's the only way to escape their manipulation and to restore yourself. There are lots of genuine men out there who deserve you and who will respect you. Good luck.
that is awful, i’m sorry you had to go through that too. no one deserves any of that abuse. honestly, i’m still with him but we had a fight where he flipped out at me and broke some of my things, i recorded it so i’m debating if i should send it to the school he works at since that is actually a safety hazard if he is so easily triggered/has anger issues. i guess i’ll just hold it for now, but i really feel like i should do something with it for other’s safety. thank you for your message and for reaching out to me, it means a lot! i hope you are doing well and stay safe XX
@AlliXxoo thts not good i would indeed tell the school what if he hurts someone
you’re right, i just feel like i can’t go that far cuz i know it would hurt him and his family.. but i also don’t know how far he can go cuz i never expected him to go this far with how he treated me the other night.. i just don’t know what he is capable of anymore
@AlliXxoo i would seek the advice of a professional at this point but their probably going to say to break up
yeah that’s what a lot of people have said to me, but i feel like that’s not what i need to hear-i really just need to be able to talk about these issues and have them broken down so that i can fully understand everything. i want to know that i’m not alone too, because majority of the time he makes me feel alone and that i’m crazy for thinking he is a bad person
Does he have the 'narcissistic rages'? This is where they get so angry and usually over small things that you didn't do to suit them., in one case for me (of which there were many) it was not buying the soap he usually has. It's very frightening and although he did not hit me during the rage he would punch the wall or throw things. You end up walking on eggshells every day just to keep the peace and each day you lose another piece of you. Be careful about exposing him to others, this can induce an attack on you as you will never win with these characters. They will manipulate everyone into making them believe that you created this issue and blame you, they are so clever as looking like they are the victim. Don't waste time and energy on him, YOU WON'T WIN! Im sorry to be harsh but it will take strength from you to find the better life you deserve but you will never get him to feel remorseful or apologise for his behaviour. I'm in a good place now, live with a kind man and know what real respect is. I no longer doubt myself or feel useless and have my self respect back. I'm here if you need me.. Remember you are your first priority and you are to be valued.
yeah he does rage over little things. if i don’t do things exactly his way, and if i don’t do something for him, he gets mad. he has punched things too, he’s yelled and called me names in anger. he talks to his family the same way too. if he realizes he’s being the crazy one, he will then try to gaslight me so i react more upset than he does, i know his ways now that i just remain calm and collected. i don’t think you are being harsh, you are saying a lot of insightful things that i need to hear, and honestly i feel like i have lost part of myself while being with him. it’s very draining, and i feel alone majority of the time. thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, it just makes me sick that there are more people like him out there who hurt others.. for fun sometimes too
How are you? How are things at the moment and have you given any thought to how your perfect life would be like? Thinking of you and here if you need anything
hi, thank you for the kind message! honestly i haven’t thought much about leaving, but he did kind of say a lot the other night because he was so stressed with his work and he said he couldn’t handle me either, he basically talked about cutting ties, and the next morning he apologized. i wasn’t giving him a reaction, i agreed and ignored him for the rest of the night (cuz he kept trying to talk to me and say more things just to get me upset, but it didn’t work)
he does this all the time where he gets too stressed with something and then says something has to give and it’s apparently me, and then he is fine the next day. he isn’t true to his words i’ve learnt and only says things in the moment. good and bad
@AlliXxoo I would look into narcissistic abuse support groups if there is any i did google once there a few in the united states and or the united kingdom.
It's interesting with this type of personality he will try to discard you first as their ego can't take being rejected. He will say to end it but that is all part of the manipulation and control over you. It's all about winning for him and you leaving causes him 'narcissistic injury' their egos are so fragile. Did you say you had two children with him? How is the relationship going with them and him? If you would prefer we can chat 1 to 1 at anytime.
i know! plus when mad, he says a lot of unnecessary stuff just because he wants me to react upset when i’ve lately started taking a more calm approach to his behaviour. i don’t have any children with him, but you are right that he is just trying to manipulate and gain control over me, he does it quite often and yet he tells me i’m manipulative.. (for crying when he would take it too far, he says i only do that to make him feel bad ..?) and yeah if you don’t mind, i would prefer to chat 1-1 actually 😊
@AlliXxoo only listeners can chat 1 to 1 have you tried to find one who specializes in narcissist abuse
yeah, i have talked with a few helpful/knowledgeable listers about my situation
@AlliXxoo I had an encounter with a narcassist on another site and let's just say it slightly traumatized me so I am never doing that again thought maybe you could relate it was horrible.
oh yeah, thanks for reaching out again! i can totally relate to that, i am still in this ‘relationship’ with my narcissist guy. sorry you had to go through that, it’s truly one of the worst things to go through
@AlliXxoo yeah he became harsh and insulted me it was horrible I went with no contact he lied about being a professor that was a weird lie.
grow up with low self esteem..been compare to other sibling constanly..praise is different between sibling..been repeatly told how bad i am as a children..the compare and trinqulation continue until me and other sibling have our own family..until i divorced with my exwife..is that me the problem and how to detected my own issue..everytime i ask for the reason i been treated unfairly..there no concrete answer..just deniyal..please help me resolve this issue ..tq all
@shahreen87 hmm I am sorry maybe try therapy of some sort of a listener if u can find a good one good luck
There is never a reason to stay in an absuive relationship. By identifying the behavior as abusive, you've taken the first step toward healing. That's major, so kudos to you! But it sounds like that knowledge comes with the reality that this situation can't possibly last. I can't tell you what to do, all I'd advise is that you stay hopeful and open when it comes to your future after this relationship, whenever that starts.
thanks for reaching out, you are right! lately it has become an on and off relationship and he keeps coming back to me despite wanting to end things.. he isn’t true to his words and no matter how much we fight or him telling me we are done for good, he keeps wanting me back afterwards. i try not to take it seriously, but i still hate the feeling and hearing him say this every time. it takes a toll on me mentally, but i just know it won’t last forever
@AlliXxoo. yeah you deserve better they don't change
i appreciate you for saying that, i feel trapped half the time but for some reason… i can never bring myself to move on and leave him
@AlliXxoo your gonna have to sooner or later my only guess is it can only get worse i would try talking to a consuelor but don't bring him with you.
you are right, i honestly might do that depending on how much more i can take. coming on here has helped me immensely as he never listens to me (or hardly ever considers my feelings)
@AlliXxoo yeah they gas light too i had been gas lighted and it felt really horrible
I'm glad i seen this post. I've been in this toxic relationship for 7 years with now two kids. He just called things off or said he needs a week of "space". Just last week, he broke up with me, but kept trying to get back with me. I fell for the love bombing and glimmer of hope once again and still was treated like someone he never cared about. Having that space and no contact for a bit of time made me feel free like an uncaged bird. I started developing peace at home, with myself and with my kids. I started back slowly building myself confidence, self love and character back before meeting him. I tried learning how to deal with him and keep the "peace", but it was like fighting against myself or the wall and feeling like everything was my fault. I treaded on eggshells, even around my kids, even with my family and i
His mother. She stopped talking to me after trying to help our situation and hearing the issues we had. Crazy thing is, shes just about the same...the best thing i can say is no contact. Thats what worked for me and i have to realize it and stop falling for him trying to show sudden affection, or change of small behavior, or the forms of love out nowhere. When he does that, its like were back to the same crap gradually. Everytime that happens, I feel like i lose a bit of self respect and pieces of myself. Try no contact with him, fill your day with different things to do for you and see how that helps. I'm trying that now. Its tough and after all this long realizing he was a narcissist, its getting a bit easier. I think i just fear being along and not finding anyone to love and appreciate me and my kids.
hi, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me! it means a lot and i agree with you, that no contact can help a lot. even the 3 days of us being apart and not talking, it was the most peaceful time in a long time. of course he tried to come back and things went bad again, he is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and has started to be a little physical too.
i’m honestly done with all of this because i don’t deserve this abuse, especially when i can do so much better. sure i still have feelings, but i can do fine on my own, and i know i will find someone better than him with time.
for over a year of dealing with this, i am starting to have my last bit of patience for him and his behaviour. he’s always said because it’s his home, he can talk to me any way he wants and kicks me out if i stand up for myself. i’m done with all of it.
i hope things on your end are going well though, it takes a lot of strength to put an end to a toxic cycle, so i am glad you wrote me this message because it’s honestly something that i’ve been wanting to do for a while now
