Picture of Fiance
Some background: I am a very analytical person which has helped me tremendously in my software career. I've recently accepted a new position that I would classify as "dream job". Highly public company, project, and a new wave of tech I can guarantee changes the way we all operate daily.
On my first day for this company I am browsing Reddit on a page dedicated to speculating the business strategy. Someone stated they got a new related t-shirt and wanted to show it off. My blood ran cold as the picture, at first glance, felt very, very familiar. It looked like my fiance in our room, on our bed. I asked her about it and received a level 10 response....very angry, almost fearful, and a fight lasting a month has ensued.
Since that moment, I dug deep into my shame and the picture itself. I'm a software person at a new high-profile job with plenty of secrecy...maybe there's a message to decode? The picture would be very out of place on this subreddit and I was almost guaranteed to see it due to my involvement in that community. I've spent countless hours performing research into digital signal processing, software capture the flag games, and have come up with a few interesting anomalies but still no "getting the message".
The only thing I have found in this research is confirmation of more similarities between "that girl" and "that room" and our room...including a few of my personal items. She asserts through all this that it is not her or our room. She also says she can't see what I see.
I don't know what to think or do to feel better. We've started couples therapy and will be going to our own individual therapists shortly too. I fear the help from those services will have come only after all of my trust in my fiance has been destroyed. I don't understand what has happened or is happening. How can I rationalize this picture's meaning?
@versatileYard2741
Wow, that is pretty intense. I am really glad you are planning couple's therapy to work through all of this together. Have you shared the pic with any friends to get their feedback to see if they see what you see? Sometimes a set of objective eyes can help us determine if we are overanalyzing or getting played. Hang in there, hopefully you will get to the bottom of this soon!
Thank you for responding and encouraging words. Yes, I've reached out to a few close friends/family with mixed responses, honestly. There's a kaleidoscope of stressors so it's understandably a tangled tale to provide an unbiased viewpoint from, especially family.
My issue seems to fall on belief. She insists to me that I should believe she wouldn't ever do it. After awhile, I have realized I do. The issue to me now is that she doesn't believe me... I'm her future husband living together through Covid, we've seen all each other's angles (she brought this up). So if I'm certain it's her, and believe her too, then we need to work together to piece this problem together.
But, we put this picture aside and everything is on the mend. Therapy has helped make compromise. We've communicated better. The sex is better.... ?!? Where's the signal in all this noise??
@versatileYard2741 I think I’d feel the same way you do. I’m very analytical as well, and likely we would share many common interests, potentially even in your line of work.
with that being said, our type of professions don’t really encounter a lot of ‘fudging’ in the numbers. The data doesn’t lie, which pushes us to realize that people do. I’ve found that my own train of thought is very similar to your own, but that I am benefited by realizing that not everyone else’s is. I try to put myself in their shoes, understand what situation would make me present with the evidence I’m seeing, and that, at least, helps me tune myself more empathetically to their situation and bridge the gap to the meaningful conversation that needs to happen.
hard Math: it’s likely your room and your shirt, and the subject matter is likely extraordinarily sensitive with risks to your dream job and life. She knows this, and she knows she f’d up. One thing I’ve found common, even in myself, is admitting embarrassing or harmful mistakes. Whatever it is we fear is more terrifying than what actually occurs ( our own worst enemy type of stuff). She is scared of whatever it is that terrifies her the most, likely being rejected or causing a great deal of harm to the person she loves.
keep That in mind, because the real problem is not the picture (though a problem in itself), it’s the communication and connection between you two. If you chose to ignore the evidence, as compelling as it sounds, you degrade yourself. If you chose to ignore her position, you damage that connection. Find a way to have a safe conversation, in a safe place and tone, and communicate how important she is to you, and how she is important to you and that it is important for the two of you to be each other’s most trusted partner in life. Find a way to make that sincere, in your words and feelings, and share that bond together to build strength. Then you can have the conversation about how the situation undermines either your professional confidence or your relationship, and how you are being forced to chose which you must trust. In my own belief, she should chose to not want you to be in that position and should help urge the importance of the discussion as being honest and forthcoming. However, also consider that I am also on this website, also for marriage issues, so huge grain of salt.
Thank you so much for your perspective and story. I'm so sorry he won't consider counseling. I have a hard time understanding his motivation as I was the party insisting we begin therapy.
Part of me believes she may have had the picture posted by a family member as a "cry for help". She has said since the arguments have started that she needs to work on depression and anger. As I switch jobs often to follow the most exciting projects I can find, I have wondered if this switch was too scary for her as I was already consumed by the project before I was officially onboarded.
Best of luck to you in getting your fiance into counseling. It has already done immeasurable good for our relationship in just a few sessions. Maybe you could open his eyes a bit by stating that a therapist will simply reword your arguments. That's been the most helpful for us. Sometimes it seems like having the "same" perspective repeated from a different angle allows it to click better in your head.
