Questioning Whether I have Feelings for My Ex-Husband Again

@pompomppurin Thank you. You are absolutely right that it isn't fair to his wife or my husband if the feelings are mutual. This being said, I am reluctant to potentially damage my marriage over a hypothetical scenario and would certainly not want to damage his either. That would not be fair to him. Plus, I am not sure that my ex and I would choose to alter our lives as they currently are -- whether we have mutual feelings for one another or not.

The resounding question in my head, at this point, is what purpose would it serve? Would my feelings and/or curiosity about his feelings be self-serving to have a sense of comfort knowing that the feelings exist or would there even be a mutual benefit for my ex and me both having that knowledge. The other internal question would be how whether it would damage our friendship if his feelings are not mutual.

In all honesty, I am not certain that I want to be vulnerable like that with anyone.

@IntelligentKite2720 Thank you very much. Unfortunately, the weight has gotten worse -- not because of posting this thread -- but because my connection to him feels stronger than even I feel it should be given our circumstances.

@cajen83 Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings with me. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much yourself in your marriage. Honestly, the reasons for our divorce were mostly out of spite. I wanted him to spend the night at his mom's house and take me on a date (we had been married 7 years and I felt like he didn't see me anymore). But I didn't communicate that with him, I only said that I thought we needed to take a break, so he moved out while I was at work -- I didn't know he moved out until I came home. I felt abandoned, so I divorced him. Reflecting back now, he never stopped loving and seeing me. He just didn't love me and see me the way I expected him to show he did. If that makes any sense. I expected grand gestures of romance, but that's just not who he is, and I should have known that. He's a genuinely wonderful man, kind and warm-hearted, but he was not raised in an affectionate home, thus never really knew how to show affection himself.

Then, there were outside influences trying to convince me it was for the best that he left. My heart never really aligned with those influences, but I still delivered the lethal blow to our marriage. Then a subsequent abusive relationship caused me to need to move out of state for mine and my children's safety. I hoped he would follow to be closer to us, but that never came to pass. Looking back now, (and this was 11+ years ago, so I was much less mature than I am now) perhaps I wanted him to "chase" us. You know, like in the movies when the girl is about to get on the plane and he chases her to the airport to stop her at the gate and they live happily ever after. I was incredibly self-centered when it came to our marriage. With our children, no, they always come first, but I when it came to him and me, I was incredibly lost. Our marriage ended, but it was not what I wanted; we were a family and families stick together. I really wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

The last time we met to pick up the kids, he put his arm around me. I resisited the urge to give him a real hug because I didn't want to confuse our children or myself. Our children are teenagers, so I don't think they would have been confused to the extent that it would have been traumatic, but the thought crept into my mind. It was nice though, it was just the four of us (him, me, and our two children) like it used to be, the four of us laughing, joking, smiling, talking, just spending time together as a family. I miss our family.

We talk for nearly an hour every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes the conversations are about the kids, other times they aren't. There have been several days he's called multiple times and only got off the phone with me when he needed to go do something for work, but would call me back when he was done. He even called me on his way home from work. We weren't necessarily talking about anything important that demanded the conversation continue; we were just talking.

I guess I don't know whether it is worth telling him how I feel or leaving it alone. I feel like me not talking to him about my feelings is what led to this significant disconnect that silently killed our marriage, but no matter what, I don't want to lose him as a friend. There are some things that I can only talk about with him. And I don't want to interfere in his life either. Perhaps that is what I need to communicate. I've thought about telling him that I do not want to interefere in his life because I am happy that he is happy, but that I also feel like I need to tell him how I feel because he's the only one I can talk to about it.

Maybe he won't call as much to distance himself from me if he doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Which would be fine because that would certainly allow me to get out of this brain fog I've been in thinking about it. I guess the only question would be what to do, or say, if he does reciprocate my feelings. I can't imagine that he would want to disassemble his entire life, so I suspect it would only be mutually acknowledged without any adverse action.