Relationship Woes: Abusive exes to FWBs to Confusion...

TRIGGER WARNINGS (TW) - Relationships, Domestic Violence, Friends with Benefits (FWBs), sexual content, bisexuality (very briefly mentioned, but barely)

To be honest... This is quite embarrassing for me...

I've been in 1 long term relationship for 3yrs with my (formerly alcoholic) & abusive ex who I escaped from a year ago... He nearly strangled me to death while intoxicated, it was scary. My vision was starting to go black and I remembered being scared and telling him to stop and trying to reach for my phone to dial 911. I dialed and he ran away...

He apologized for it, but still blamed me for his drinking... He also called me racial slurs anytime he gets angry and calls me sexist terms. Just not a good guy... I completely cut him out of my life.

Then, my younger brother hooked me up with his best friend who's a drug addict, alcoholic, & party animal to forget about ex a few days after I left ex fiancé... The party animal's brain was super fried he couldn't functions sometimes, and it felt like babysitting when I was with him. He was a sleazy guy hitting up as many women as possible. He had 3 abortions and initiated in asking the women to do it, had an affair with HIS BEST FRIEND'S girlfriend, and was stringing me along basically when I tried leaving our "situationship". He said he "hates labels", and I got bored of that and wanted a deeper connection with someone who's mature enough to have labels that define the relationship...

Just a lot of stupid push & pull with mixed signals. He'd be affectionate and act like a boyfriend, then tell me to stop being affectionate and stop hanging out. When I respected that, it upsettted him and he would say how he missed me & loved me...

He ended up ghosting me when we were "together" for a year, no explanation until last minute he called me into his work to say he got another woman and she knows about me. He didn't want to "lose me" and basically said I'm option B in a very roundabout way. I was used for money &, comfort at the time. So yeah he stops talking to me for a few weeks to shag this chick and younger brother already knew and told me.

Lastly... I had two FWBs from a dating app when I first tried out the "online world of dating", one was a catfish who, while we were..doing the deed, asked me if he was "better" than my ex, said he wanted to impregnate me, and later wanted me to meet his family and said he missed me a lot... I barely knew him for only a week, so I told him to chill out on that. On top of that, I found out he had a DV record (for fighting mother's BF) so I noped out of that once I discovered it. The second FWB was Mr. NiceGuy who I rejected 4x because he couldn't take no for an answer, said he loved me on day one and kept saying that every ti e we hung out and I told him to stop, and lastly pinned me down to kiss me when I said I don't like kissing. I ended up blocking him and getting away...

Now...that leads me to today...

I prefer something serious if possible but I...ended up...in a FWBs situation AGAIN with someone I know in real life and...we used to work together...he was my trainer and is actually 10yrs older than me. Now, at my particular age range, that actually doesn't matter since I'm at the age where everyone is settled in their careers, married/been divorced, have kids and have a home, BUT I'm very peculiar about age due to my parents being 20yrs apart and seeing abuse at home... (Mother is close to being in her 60s and father is close to being in his 80s).

My father was VERY controlling of my mother growing up. That's why I don't date older. I also don't date too young( many younglings hit on me thinking I'm their age, I have baby face), because they're not ...quite mature. It feels like dating a child (even though they're adults) and it's pretty creepy to me. I can't do it... I also don't want to be "parenting" them, that's awkward. I can't date college kids. I can't date people of certain age ranges to where I feel they're too young/old for me. It took me FOREVER to even get social media, which I use as a buffer to get people to kinda not bother me lol.

Idk...the trainer is actually my friend IRL and I have no idea how to feel. I don't...like him in a romantic light(ex. Difference in religion, he's very religious & I'm the exact opposite) but enjoy his company. I also don't know how to feel since I guess he was kinda my boss???(well no really, just trained me for the job ...)

I feel weird because I thought "Maybe we could be FWBs", since I know he's quite stoic and won't catch feelings like Catfish &, Mr.NiceGuy did on day one and I also won't catch feelings for him like I did with party animal but...

Trainer friend told me that he feels SO comfortable around me(& is able to "geek out" or "nerd out") and that it's weird for him because he NEVER felt this way before, because he has bad social anxiety...

** NOTE: my parents are old as ***, but they still like nerdy things. My entire family watches anime (just different genres) including my parents when they're close to 60 & 80 years old!! Yes, we enjoy nerdy *** that some may or may not care for. I also grow up in a multicultural home and am mixed race/ethnicity...

Anyhow...

I used to think trainer friend hated me or found me annoying when we worked together, so I left him alone but it was the exact opposite the entire time. 😅 He told me "if it seems like I hate you, it's actually the opposite. I really like you, it's my social anxiety that makes it hard to tell". Plus well, I suppose he was keeping it professional...LOL. Probably didn't want to seem creepy, so he didn't talk to me much, even though I was always friendly to him and wanted to talk to him about need stuff. I like making friends.

Idk... I... Don't want to hurt him if he DOES feel strongly. I feel platonic feelings and don't mind the extra intimacy(which is where the "benefits" come in out of the friendship). He's cute, is also a single parent like me, but we lead different lifestyles and not quite what I'm looking for... Which is OK.

I just feel like a hypocrite, because after those two FWBs, I said I would never get myself in this situation again, but I did... It's embarrassing... It just happened when we ended up hanging out..

Oh and... My self-esteem goes up & down (even though I would think it'd get better/normal with age). I get confused when I get called "pretty', "beautiful " , "sexy", "model" etc by men & women(I like both)... I feel like they're mocking me, but they say they're not and get handsy... it's just a very odd feeling and I can't believe their words. I don't wear makeup or do anything special to my curly hair. I'm very plain. The only thing I really care for are my eyebrows and keep my nails short...so yeah, plain Jane...

The reason it's hard to believe people?

I was told by my mother growing up how I'm ugly, how my skinny body is gross & disgusting etc etc. But my mother used to have low self-esteem and hated her looks/body...we look similar in the face so...there's that... I actually don't think my mother is ugly, only her personality is insidious...

My best friend *Mara (not her name) since grade school had told me before there are two types of girls "natural beauties and those who need to wear makeup", and she told me I needed makeup... I was also called "flat-chested" growing up by my "friends"... Even in my (young) adult years, I was told I could use some makeup and grow out my hair... (I used to dress like a boy/man, I felt comfortable that way and wanted to hide my body. I kept my hair short all the time...only recently I dress a bit more feminine and my hair has been long since COVID-19, I just gave up on regular haircuts and could never find a hairstylist to cut my curly hair...).

Now? I get complimented a lot, wherever I go and hit on by both men & women... Even getting compared to a specific celebrity on a popular TV show that I supposedly look like and it's weird...also sorry if it sounds like I'm full of myself/arrogant/vain, I really don't know how else to word this more... eloquently???

Ug...idk...

Maybe I'm not ready for any type of relationship??

I'm just not looking to be hurt or hurt others, but I kind of want to find someone who likes me for me(some just see me as a "blow up doll" or their "manic pixie dream girl"), who I'm attracted to intellectually, emotionally, & physically...

Is that too much to ask for?? :-(

Can anyone relate from being an ugly duckling to growing out of it and not knowing how to handle it?

Can anyone relate to getting our of abusive relationships and trying to start over again?