Relationship doubts
I moved in with my boyfriend a little less than a year ago. I love him and we normally get along great. However, I have been feeling a bit trapped lately. It didn't hit me until a friend told me that she didn't think my boyfriend was good enough for me and that I deserved someone better. My boyfriend and I both have our own issues. He suffers from depression and can sometimes take things out on me. I suffer from Anxiety and CPTSD. I've had a lot of trauma through my life and it does effect my relationships. I am very quick to jump to the defense or wall up and that has caused a bit of tension in our relationship. He also shuts down with his depression and can be very cold and mean at times. I really want things to work, but my gut is telling me they won't. I have all these big dreams for my life and I can't help but feel that he is holding me back. I want to move away to escape my abusive mother and start a new adventure, but he is unable to move. His depression has caused him to drop out of school and he refuses to do anything to address his depression. It takes for me to break down in tears for my words to have any effect on him. As much as it scares me to just move away and start a new life potentially alone, I am equally scared that I am wasting my time. I've given him ultimatums, but I believe that he will not hold to those. I am also nervous expressing my emotions to him because he takes my emotions as personal attacks, crying that he isn't good enough and falling into his pit of depression. I honestly don't know what to do with this point. I'm scared that I will lose the love of my life, but I also feel like I don't want to see this end in a very toxic way. I also feel like my traumas and triggers make me out to be not the easiest girlfriend and I feel a lot of guilt for that and for holding him to the standard that I do.
@peachMaple6047
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well.
I understand what you go through with anxiety and CPTSD, it can definitely come to the surface depending on the kind of partner you might have. It's very important to be with someone who's emotionally healthy and secure because it'll make you feel safer and comfortable throughout the relationship.
Your boyfriend seems to get very easily overwhelmed, tends to push things under the rug, and then will lash out at others closer to him. His behavior will definitely trigger you, and you won't be able to feel safe with him. The way you tend to put a wall between the two of you it's quite understandable after seeing the way he has hurt you throughout the relationship. It's very tough to feel comfortable and safe on sharing something with someone who tends to get very defensive and thenshut down. You are keeping this relationship alive, while it seems like he has stop putting the effort on making things work. This is a relationship that will only lead to further hurt and pain unless both sides are able to work through past trauma. I hope you are able to make a decision that best fits you.
