Relationship with husband
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married with 2. My last birth was last year Sept. Ever since I gave birth. He is always blaming me when the baby cry, blaming me for everything. Its not my fault that I can't give him a son. He is always on his phone playing games, facebook etc....He doesn't spend must time with my eldest. Even when he is holding the baby, he will be looking at his phone. There was one time my eldest jump on me and I got a scratch on my face bleeding. He didn't even notice. When he look at me, he only see my boobs. It just makes me feel insecure about myself. I would intentionally wear loose clothes so he won't look at my boobs and actually look at my face when he talk to me. we doesn't talk much anymore because whatever I said just makes him angry so I just stop. Just the occasional yes or no simple answer.
We had a fight last year when the baby was crying. He said he HELP alot. I want ask him what actually did he help but I don't want to prolong the fight. Husband and wife suppose to help each other, Right? I didn't even say anything every time when I help him. But when I need his help with the baby, he treat as if I OWE him
I can't remember when was the last time he actually said he loves me or holding hands. For him. I'm just a way to satisfied his sexual needs. A way for him to release. The only times he touch me is when he wants sex. Sometimes I just need a normal hug and him to tell me I'm doing a good job.
@orangeSky8363
I am sorry for the problems you are having with your husband. It seems his behavior changed after the birth of your last child? Perhaps he is disappointed as he wanted a boy. But you are right, it is not your fault at all. It is the man who determines the gender of the baby, so he should not blame you. He should also not blame you for anything else your child does, and I am sure you are doing the best you can.
A husband and wife relationship should be of equal partnership, in an ideal world. Both should be invested in the care of the children. Both should have compassion, love, and care for one another. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. People are mostly driven by biological needs, but how they behave and treat others, is based on upbringing, culture and society. In most parts of the world, patriarchy is dominant. Men have physical, intimacy needs, as you mention. And they see the wife as the way to fulfill those needs. Unfortunately, that can leave a female feeling used and unloved. However, some men combine love and lust, so if he still has desire for you, then it may mean he still has feelings for you.
Ideally, you should be able to dress how you like, and your husband should respect you, and treat you like a human (and not as an object of desire). But it is unlikely your husband would change that. So covering up or wearing loose clothing can help some.
Avoiding fights is the best you can do now. I know it's frustrating not having the ability to voice your opinions. You should have the right to stand up for yourself. But fights will only alienate your husband more from you. When people are attacked, they either fight back and grow resentment, or want to escape and leave. And further, fights will create a toxic environment for your kids to be raised in.
Your husband may be having some sadness or frustrations and that can be why he isn't paying much attention to you and your children. His phone, social media, etc, is just his outlet to get some relief from the negative feelings he is having.
So my suggestion is to win back your husband's attention and love. First, make him feel loved and appreciated. When people are given kindness, they often reciprocate that kindness. Kind words go a long way. Also, most men can be won over if their biological needs are met (intimacy and food). So surprising him with what he loves best will be sure to get his attention. Once you have his attention back to you, then next would be to work on the relationship. When everyone is in a calm mood, you can start talking with each other, about what is bothering him, what can be done to help him, etc. Then you can address your needs and hopefully he will want to make an effort for your happiness. Marriage is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. It needs a lot of a patience and understanding. I wish you the best of luck.
@LuminousOwl I agree with approaching things in a kind way and trying to understand his side as they have been married for a long time and have children together and love each other. I don't think it is good to accept a partner seeing you as an object or accepting him taking on a dominant role and not helping with the children because of traditional gender roles. Yes, he may have some depression or something going on and may need help. At the same time, he is an adult man and is responsible for improving himself and being able to treat women with respect.
@Daydreamer47
I agree, in an ideal world, a person should not be seen as an object by their partner. Nor should there be one who is dominant and the other submissive. Ideally, both should be as equals. But as I already said, we do not live in an ideal world. This is due mostly because of innate biological traits of humans, not traditional gender roles which are taught over time.
Just because it's my personal belief that these things are not "good to accept", does not mean I will advise that to someone and potentially destroy a family, which will cause pain to innocent children.
As I said, of course she deserves respect and to have her needs addressed in the relationship. That's why I suggested working it out after calming the situation. While the husband is angry/depressed, he will most likely not be willing to change or understand her needs.
Also, I am respectful and sensitive towards other cultures, and I know not every culture is like the one I grew up in (an individualistic, western society where one's needs comes before others). In my society, divorce rates are high because people prioritize their needs rather than work on a compromise with their partner, where some needs can be met but others can be sacrificed for the happiness of the family. When partners compromise and try to understand each other, the relationship lasts a long time and both are happy.
@orangeSky8363 Are you able to go to marriage counseling? It seems like there are a lot of things your husband needs to work on. You deserve to stand up for yourself and your needs and self-respect. There are ways to do that in a kind, calm way, maybe try to have a heart to heart, say how you feel in "I statements" and also try to acknowledge his side and feelings too. However, if he is not open to improvement and working on the relationship, please prioritize your rights and self-respect. You deserve better. *hugs*
@Daydreamer47
I initially replied to this post, because I totally sympathize and understand what she is going through. And, I know firsthand how marriages work because I am in a happy, successful marriage of 14 years (known my husband for 20).
I wanted to give her some practical help and support, because getting professional help (marriage counseling) is not always possible. It is expensive, and it can be difficult for couples to find the time to attend sessions when having to work and take care of a family. Also, getting therapy can be stigmatizing, and usually one of the partners may not be willing to go.
I think we all realize that his actions should not be acceptable. But instead of focusing on the negatives, we can see there are some positives too. He has helped with the children, so that means he cares about his family. And she has mentioned nothing about abuse, so I feel this relationship is salvageable. I don't think it's fair to give up so quickly if he at first refuses to improve. It's not always easy for people to change. But there are ways to help people find the motivation to change. And that's why patience is so important, and having a willingness to stay even through the tough times.
So many men treat wife as a free prostitute and maid. Blame them but also blame the misogynistic institutions enshrined in most if not all societies.
Now what can women do? I'm struggling myself too but it's become clear that we can and should just leave this man. There are better men out there. And being single is also a better option than being trapped in a marriage with a man child who can't do his job as a father and a husband.
@indigoNorth7540
Yes, you're right, that's the mentality of so many men. Aside from a man's biological needs, society based in patriarchal roots, and even religious institutions, encourage this.
There's little a wife can do other than accept it or leave. And definitely, if there are no children involved, a woman should not have to put up with it, and being single can be a better option.
But if there are children involved, then there should be more careful consideration of the consequences. If a woman stays single, she'll most likely have to work and leave her kids in the care of others. Even if it's just occasional, all it takes is just one time of abuse or molestation from a caretaker to create a lifetime of trauma.
And when a woman is a single mom, she has a lot more stress to handle, and can take it out on the kids in the form of abuse. Children from single parent homes are more likely to live in poverty, have less education, and engage in criminal behavior.
Remarrying is not always a good option, as the stepfather may not love her children as they are not his own.
And also, a man will never show his bad side when courting a female. Sooner or later, he may be just as bad as her original husband.
It can be very difficult to find a good man, and a single mom having to care for her kids does not have much time to be searching for the right one.
In the end, any decision the mother takes is a difficult one, but ultimately, she does what she thinks is best, and there should be no judgment for that.