She says I'm being crazy. Please be the judge.
We dated for 1.5 years and broke up. She dated someone else for 3 months and then we got back together.
One of the conditions for getting back together was more transparency as she said that she felt I was always hiding my phone. So we now have access to each others phones and we said we have nothing to hide.
I told her about a friend that confessed she liked me during our break up and that girl asked me to come over to have sex with her but I told that girl I was still in love with my ex. Anyways I told my ex and she was upset and took my phone and messaged that girl to never talk to me again. Remember I was single at this time so there was no boundaries crossed from the girl or me.
I saw her ex, the guy for 3 months, messaged her for sex after he already knew we were back together but she never told me. She tried to hide it from me. She wont talk about it.
I also saw messages where she told him stuff about me and they were making fun of me. I asked her about that. She says she wont talk about it and that im being crazy.
Other messages about sex where she tells him that hes the best shes ever had, but she says that to me too. And I want to know who shes lying to and why. She says "why does it matter, I chose you. I love you". But she doesnt understand that its affecting my love for her because, and she knows this, I love her desire for me. And if thats fake then this whole relationship is built on a lie. So I need to talk about it. But she just keeps deflecting, calling me crazy, etc.
What do you think?
@reliableStrawberries2078 this probably isn't something you want to hear, but this is majorly toxic and a manipulation tactic. It's very close to what I would call emotional abuse. If she's talking to her ex, making fun of you, and avoiding talking to you... it's likely you're probably the butt of the joke. They may have never even fully broken up. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but as I say to most people in toxic relationships, look at the red flags. She's not communicating, she's manipulating you by making you feel crazy (or like you're over reacting), and she's lying to at least one person in this scenario. There's a double standard here and I, personally, suggest ending the relationship. Second chances are all well and good, but I think she's already wasted hers and she seems like the kind of person you would have to cut all ties with or you'll have her obsessing over what you're doing because she can't have you. That's just the vibe I'm getting, but my suggestion, which should be taken with a grain of salt as I have fallen for these manipulation tactics many time, would be to end it and cut all ties before she does something... unreasonable.
She says she doesn't even talk to him anymore and I'm stressing her out because she says we already talked about it. We have never talked about it. I only mentioned it and she would say im crazy or stressing her out or she will change the subject but I need a real conversation and answers.
@reliableStrawberries2078
yeah man, unfortunately I doubt she's telling the truth, in my personal opinion. I honestly think she's gaslighting you and it would probably be best for you to go your separate ways. It seems seriously unhealthy. You can try to talk to her and reason with her, but she'll probably keep deflecting and hiding things. Do what you think is best, but I seriously believe that you're the one who's unfortunately going to get the worst out of this. She's using emotional manipulation and the fact that you're here shows that you have some doubts and you're not fully falling for it. 1.5 years is a long time, but people can also change. There was a reason you broke up, and I have a feeling that this should probably be high on the list of reasons it should've stayed that way
@reliableStrawberries2078,
so, what are the options here?
1) you have it all wrong and creating a story
2) it's not that serious for her and she is no aware of causing any pain
3) she knows she is wrong but can't admit
4) she is using you
My wife had an emotional affair. She denied it, unfortunately, I found files that at least fortified my suspicions. She is still in contact with the guy involved, they are thousands of miles apart. I understand. What I did not understand why my wife kept denying. She is always right, it seems. So I googled on that, and found an article from a well established website about psychology that talked about "always being right".
It is a survival mechanism, a protection that can be very deeply embedded in someone. So in my wife's case, It's not gaslighting, emotional blackmail, it's a psychological disorder, rather deeply embedded. It also comes with twisting and turning to talk yourself out of confrontations you simply can't handle. As that would mean you would have to admit being wrong.
And no, I am not making this up. We are doing counseling, she filed for divorce yet wants to try to reconnect. Our counselor has also noticed that my wife is "always right".
Bit of a long answer, I try to explain that things you might not be aware of are going on. The above I described is not easy to deal with for a partner, and that is an understatement.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201908/married-someone-whos-always-right
Take care.