Should I choose love or a safer life?
I have been in a serious relationship for over 2 years. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and he feels the same way towards me. We want to get married someday and have a family together. But our goals for the future do not align. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to move to the USA for higher studies and ultimately get settled there. When we first started dating I realized his plans are not quite the same. I thought maybe he'll change his mind about going abroad. And if he doesn’t, maybe I'll change my plans and stay here for him, even if it means not fulfilling my dreams. The country where we both live now is extremely unsafe for women. Recently violence against women has increased to the point that no woman, old or child, at home or outside, alone or in a group, can feel safe anymore. Everytime I watch these news I feel close to panicking, cause the victim very well could have been me. I can't bear the idea of living here for the rest of my life anymore. I have difficulty breathing by the mere thought of it. The hope I had that maybe my boyfriend will move with me, that is disappearing too. His father is very sick and I don’t think he'll have the heart to leave his parents behind, nor do I want him to make that sacrifice for me. I know it'll come down to me making a decision, do I stay here for my love, or do I move for a safer life? I should mention that I have grown up watching domestic violence. I have had to stand up to my father while he tried to kill my mother. I have had to be the emotional support system of my mother ever since I can remember, really. It took a heavy toll on me. I am utterly exhausted mentally and want to get away from my parents as much as I want to get away from this country. I wonder if I grew up in a loving home whether or not I'd have the strength to choose love, despite the adversities. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Do I break up with him now to avoid getting more hurt later? If I break up now, from this wonderful relationship, will I feel like I didn’t try hard enough? Or do I sacrifice my dreams and a safer future to be with him? Please help.
@honestBlackberry1219
Does he know about your goals and all the reasons that you have explained here? As you have mentioned you both love each other and had planned a family together, perhaps your need for safety is also a shared need. Sometimes the perspective of women's safety needs to be clearly expressed and not assumed that he understands. Your decision of breaking up or not very much affects him too, so maybe share all the context and insecurity with him before making a decision. Discuss and see if you can both work out any solutions that can accommodate both your priorities. Even if not, at least there is a shared understanding of the circumstances instead of any misunderstandings about the wonderful relationship.
I hope you are both able to find a positive way forward. Good Luck!
@0m Thank you for your reply. He knows about my goals and encourages me to pursue them. He knows the safety issues, although I don’t think it's possible for him as a man to fully realize how traumatic each and every single one of these incidents are to me. He doesn't know my family history and how it's impacting my mental health. This is something I've never been able to open up with anyone about, not even with my best friend. One reason I'm writing here anonymously. We have decided to talk about it the next time we go out. It will definitely be a joint effort to find a solution as a team. I really hope it doesn’t come down to a break up. I hope we can find a way out together. I'll keep your advice in mind when we talk. Thanks again!
You have to decide— if you stay can you stay safe in your country? Are you willing to always stay inside or only go outside with someone? What toll will that take on you? Also, what will it feel like to regret one day that you never lived your dreams? Does he value women? Does he want you to be safe? Can you wait for his father to die and bring his mother with you to US??