Stay or go?
I recently found out my husband is having an affair, lasting around 1 year. He says he wants to stay with me and work on our marriage but is still in touch with the other women and has feelings for her. He has told her a few times it's over but they refuse to block each other and remain in contact. I have no idea what to do. I want to make my marriage work we have been together 17 years, but cant make it work if he wont stop seeing her. He has been honest and said he finds it hard to not speak to her but knows he is hurting me too. He has alot of other problems in his life, parent deaths, drug abuse and depression, Although I dont think the other woman knows half of this. He has promised to try but cant promise he wont message her and surprise surprise, there were messages on his phone today. We argue every day, how can we work on this if they wont leave each other alone.I feel we need space but when mentioned he says I'm pushing him out and I dont want him moving in with her (which is the only place he can go)and then lose the chance to work on this for good. Sorry this is so long
@fairmindedSummer3137
This sounds like a really confusing and hurtful situation. You're saying you found out he had an affair for a year with this woman. He claims he wants to work at the marriage with you, yet insists on being connected to this woman. If you want space, he apparently has nowhere to go except her? What exactly is a reasonable way forward that he suggests?
Thanks for the reply. He wants us to spend more time together and do family things, obviously in lockdown this is near impossible, but when we say we will go for walks or something he always has somewhere else to be. I explained i would move out and he begged me not to go and said he will stop all contact. I believe he wants to but he just cant seem to do it, I'm just stuck in limbo not moving forward and it's been like this for weeks
@fairmindedSummer3137
It seems like he wants to do the right thing but is failing badly at motivation to stick with his promises. He wants to stop contact with her, wants to go do couple stuff with you, wants to spend more time with you, wants you to not move out ... but doesn't have the self control to make all this happen.
Does he understand and acknowledge the deep hurt and betrayal he has caused? Does he realise this is upto him, and him alone, to fix? To make you feel like it might be worth giving him a change to earn back your trust? Keyword - earn.
She is waiting for your marriage to fail. You and him both lose out on years of investment emotionally, while she gains something. What can you both do as a team to make sure you win as a couple against the temptation and determination to make you fail? It's a team effort. You and him. Talk, talk hard and I hope you are able to make this work.
Honestly sounds like you should leave. He is staying with you because your safe. He knows you will never leave no matter what. Your being used. Refusing to block and stop contacting the woman he cheated with it’s unAcceptable. I’d break up perhaps if not then find yourself a good man in the time being let him feel like u do and move on with your life with someone who respects you enough to not sleep with others. Like that’s a huge no no. I hope you go get tested for stds. Your husband has zero concern it seems for your well being.
I appreciate the reply. I'm a sexual health nurse so I'm covered with the testing. I agree to an extent but he knows I wont stay no matter what I have already left but due to having 2 children and him wanting us to work I moved back., so I'm actually not the safest bet for him at the moment the other women is as she is hanging around waiting for him to leave me, which he told her he wont but shes still waiting he knows next time I go it's for good
