The Light
This Is just for me, not for anyone to comment on.
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there’s been lots of changes in my life...good changes. And I’ve kept my primary focus on my partner, wondering how he’s doing. This isn’t helping me. I’ve learned leaps and bounds, yes, but there’s actually stuff that I’ve been ignoring. Now that I’ve dusted the cobwebs away, I’m getting to the main issues of my personality/mental health, which was shaped by my upbringing.
For instance, somehow I have abandonment issues. This has happened to me so far in all of my relationships as an adult. As a child, I was abandoned by my friends over and over—or, I had to end things because they were not treating me right. I knew death at a very young age. People I loved died in numbers. I wasn’t allowed to cry unless I was by myself. I was “too sensitive” or I was “overreacting” when I had anxiety or depression. Looking back now, I know in my soul that I had anxiety and depression as a very small child; maybe I was born with those issues. So what do I do about it? The abandonment. I don’t know. I know logically that I’m worth it. I love who I am. I am worth staying for.
But then there’s this...emotional side of me that makes me feel I’m not worth it, because I don’t want kids, because I’m “too complicated,” because I “care too much.” But I know I’m worth it. This frustrates me.
I also get defensive which I think is connected to the exact same issue, that I feel I have to defend my true character.
I tend to be really optimistic for others but not for myself.
I start arguments only when I feel threatened, but these arguments are typically about my character and why I am who I am, or why I did what I did etc. Like the reasoning behind everything. Which I should not actually have to explain.
In other words, when I really care about someone, I have no chill. There’s too much for me to explain to relax.
I judge others harshly because I judge myself harshly. In regards to character. Even though I am ultimately a really understanding and empathetic person, if someone does something “wrong,” I take it to heart. It hurts me. Because if I do something wrong, I feel 10x worse than that. So pain is “necessary” which is ridiculous. But I guess I struggle with it. Idk. Idk anymore.
I could go on about my problems, but I’m too tired right now. Hopefully I can get my light back.
@TheJenInBlack
Hello there, I know that this post isn’t for anyone to comment on, but I can’t help but read it through and comment on it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to offer any advice on how to deal with your situation or offer you my sympathy. However, it’s true, reading this makes me sad and I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. But, in a way I do feel better knowing I am not alone in my mental health struggles I just want to say that I feel you too on this. Because I myself have been neglecting my mental health all through these years, only for my mental health issues to finally take over last year. Since you mentioned abandonment issues, I can tell you that I have both an avoidant and anxious attachment style. For instance, I always worry about my closest friends leaving me, yet at the same time I’m so hesitant to tell them about my true feelings and struggles. Sure, I’ve vented to them before, I even tell them about my occasional anxiety attacks and other personal issues, but I can’t really tell them the full extent of my emotions. I feel you when you mentioned how you have an emotional side that makes you feel you’re not worth it. Because honestly, I do feel the same way about myself. There’s obviously nothing wrong with being emotional. It’s true, some people tend to be more neurotic than others. But it’s hard to adjust to listening to my own emotions because the majority of my life, in a society where we were taught to repress our emotions, get that assignment done, get over your ex, etc, I've always been used to neglecting my emotions so that I can move on with my life. This did work for a while, especially in my last year of highschool where my grades really mattered so I can get into university. However, in my second year of university neglecting my emotions eventually led me to this deep depression. It doesn’t help that at the time, I was stuck at home due to the pandemic lockdown, where I never left the house except to walk the dog or go to work. Enough about me though, I can relate when you said you can be really optimistic for others but not for yourself. It’s easy to be optimistic for others, you’re not in their shoes and therefore you don’t see the true struggles that they experience, that most likely they wouldn’t tell you. Yet, it’s hard to be optimistic about ourselves because we for sure know our struggles. I get you, it’s tiring to go on about your problems, but I do hope that you’ll be able to get your life back!!
