The Space between Friends & Lovers

I'm autistic (I really hate functioning labels, but for you neurotypicals who are going to presume incompetence no matter what I say, yes, *sigh*, i am "high-functioning"), on the asexual spectrum but simultaneously very kinky, panromantic, and polyamorous. Put all that together, and relationships - no matter the kind - are very "????????" for me.

I'm still pretty young, so I'm in no rush, at all, but I think of marriage in the old-fashioned way. (No, not between a man and a woman; I'm gay, trans, and nonbinary.) For money, power, and land. And cake. (And yeah, it's a sort of promise between two folks that you mean a lot to each other, but in my humble opinion, you could make that promise without spending thousands upon thousands of dollars.) I'm also up for a totally open marriage, in which we continue to have unrestricted chemistry with others, and I wholeheartedly believe that the worst part of cheating is the lying part. But how could I marry someone if I don't know exactly how I feel about them? Which brings us back to how I could use some commiserating when it comes to the "????????".

A while ago, I posted a Tiktok asking the eloquently articulated question, "What is the difference between 'kiss friend' and 'no-kiss boyfriend'?" What is the difference between a kissable friend and an unkissable boyfriend? Speaking of Tiktok, see if you recognize the Audio I'm ripping off here; "I love you." "Aw, I love you, too....Might I ask if you meant that romantically or platonically?" "Huh?" "Did you mean 'I love you' romantically or platonically?" "Oh, thank you, thank you." "Well?" "No, no." The difference between friends & lovers is not an objectively wide chasm, but rather particle waves; of different, particular factors and differing levels of physical affection & attraction. To say love starts out as chemicals and then becomes, indeed, a promise, is apt, but who's to say it can't start out as a promise too?

Well, so, if I don't know exactly how I feel about anyone I care about, and if I'm so obviously open, why was I still jealous when he chose her?

Because I know that not everyone sees love as fluidly as I do, and so when he chose her, it was for good.

And soon after he made that choice, he walked away from entirely, and I can't help but think the two are related. For him, at least. I made one mistake, a silly, stupid one, unrelated to romance from a conceptual standpoint, I misunderstood a boundary he had & lashed out, I guess because relationships are so hard for me, but then I apologized as hard & as deeply as I could, because I still loved him, and he walked away. He was a new presence in my life, but we had clicked rather well and rather quickly, and as soon as he decided it was over, he spent his every moment of his time minimizing what we had.

I wasn't jealous of her. I don't want to take what she has away from her.

I was jealous of him...being able to figure it out, the "????????", and how to choose between two or more. Had I acted more loving sooner, he might not have walked away. But I couldn't figure it out, or choose, in time. I stood there and imagined I was letting him come to me.

But we all know how that turned out.

(Meanwhile I still have some sort of feeling for two other ppl.)

Well, frick.