Was this marriage a mistake?
I recently got married a couple of months ago to someone I dated for 4 months and lived with for a month. It was pretty quick but we fell in love right from the first time we started talking and things just fell into place. After a couple months of marriage however, some things about my husband and his family are starting to weigh on me. It's not that I didn't know about these things or that I don't have my own issues, but I feel like I didn't comprehend the extent of those issues.
1. He's here on a work visa and we're in the rather lengthy process of changing his status so he can live here permanently. I knew it would be needed, just didn't realize how lengthy it might be and that I might have to end up paying for it.
2. He told me he had debts to pay off from various things like educational expenses and from buying a house for his parents in his home country. He never told me an exact amount that he owes or why he hasn't managed to pay it off yet despite having a well paying job. It turned out to be a lot more than I knew about and he keeps putting any extra money leftover from his pay towards paying it off. It's a good thing that he's trying to take care of it but the issue is that he keeps relying on me to make any large payments like a security deposit, rent, immigration costs. If I summed up just the large payments I've made for both of us or just him, it would come out to $12,000. To put this into perspective, he's been working at a very well paying job for 5-6 years while I've just graduated school and started working in the last few months, and I make half of what he makes in a year. I've asked him multiple times why he couldn't account for the large expenses and save for them instead of putting any extra money into paying off his debts right away and he just says that he's terrible at managing money and that's why he needs me to take over managing the finances for both of us.
3. He has a well paying and stable job at a reputed company where he has worked for 4-5 years so far and since getting married, he has been looking to switch jobs. He gets a lot of recruiters reaching out to him from good companies and he interviews with them too but for some reason, he hasn't gotten any offers yet. I get how tough it can be but usually, most people struggle with just getting an interview, so I don't understand why he's not getting offers despite interviewing with so many companies. We're not from the same field so I can't speak on anything technical but I've told him multiple times that his attitude towards work and interviewing is too casual and can rub people the wrong way but he has brushed it off so far. This is an important aspect to me and when we first met, I assumed that he's probably at his current position because he has the skills for it and I know no one helped him get there but now I'm wondering if I was wrong.
4. He has PTSD and anxiety and takes meds for it. I knew about it but I thought the meds were just to keep him balanced and not absolutely necessary because he told me he isn't supposed to take them long term. But then he ran out of them and couldn't get a refill right away so he had to wait a few days and it was during the second month of being married and we were having a lot of fights and he had a major panic attack and passed out in a store parking lot alone. A woman saw him and almost called the cops to get him help but they ended up calling the pharmacy and gave him his meds as an emergency. When he forgets to take his meds, he'll yell at me for small things or things that aren't even my fault or he's just very irritable in general. I knew he needs meds but I didn't realize that he's literally a different person without them. It seems to run in their family because his mom and sister also have anxiety and the source seems to be their dad being controlling and abusive when they were growing up. He generally realizes that he overreacted and apologizes to me later but I don't know what to do with him when he's off his meds.
5. His parents have absolutely no savings or anything to their name and he generally has to send them money every month for daily expenses. It's usually a fixed amount but sometimes they'll randomly ask for more money to cover medical bills or other expenses, so it cuts a good chunk from his pay every month. The only way that'll be gone is if they somehow start providing for themselves, pass on, or come stay with us, which is what he's planning in the future. He told me about it before marriage and I was okay with it because he said it would be 5 years down the road, but now he's trying to get them here to stay with us asap, or at least when we have kids. They stayed with us for a month after the wedding and they're nice people but I feel like a stranger in my own home with them.
Anyway, every time we fight or I get upset with him, I find myself thinking why did I marry this guy or that maybe I rushed into this and it wasn't a good idea. That thought has started to pop up even when I'm not upset with him now, maybe because I'm starting to worry about our future. I'm not sure if I'm even looking for advice or reassurance but I'll take anything you've got to give me.
@neonSummer8296
You are right about every flag you've spotted but I'll talk about the money one to start with.
He has already said he would like you to manage both of your finances; perhaps this is an opportunity for you to take on doing a fair calculation of the combined earnings, take away the combined expenses (rent, bills, food, etc) and whatever leftover can then be split 50-50. If you would like to help him with his immigration expenses, maybe allow that be deducted from the combined expenses instead of his share of the savings. If he would like to put his 50% share of the savings towards his loans or parents, that's his choice but it would not come at the cost of your own independence and financial security.
@neonSummer8296
The second aspect I'd like to ask is about his father. You mentioned your husband is planning to have his parents live with you long term starting asap, especially when you have kids. His father has a known history of being abusive and controlling, to the extent of leaving lasting effects on his wife, son and daughter. This can be a really difficult subject to discuss but perhaps needs detailed discussions and boundaries to protect you and your kids. In fact, this might be a tougher one to navigate than the money one.
@0m
Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate you taking time to give me advice. I completely agree with the advice about finances, my mother actually said the same thing. I think he was just trying to get rid of his debt asap so he can give me control of accounts but having me cover his other expenses so he can take care of his debt isn't really a solution. I'll either create a joint account for our shared expenses that we can put a percentage of our incomes into or make it so that all of our living costs are covered with his income and mine is purely savings.
When his parents stayed with us after the wedding, his father seemed like a fairly simple man. I didn't see any aggression in him, he actually seemed kind of emotional. Even my husband said that he has changed a lot from how he used to be when they were growing up and he's not abusive anymore. But then something happened recently and he was being pretty manipulative towards all of them and my husband was saying that he was wrong and he hasn't really changed at all. I'm not sure what to believe but I'm hoping that my husband will realize he won't ever have peace of mind if his father is staying with us as well. The issue with that though is that he's very attached to his mother and feels like his father abuses her to manipulate him and his sister to act as he wants them to so he wants her close to him.
I don't really have issues with his mother that I can't overlook after a couple years of marriage so her staying with us a few years down the road is a different matter.
Is it manipulative if I act scared of his father so that he might consider how wise it would be to have him stay with us a couple years down the road?
Honestly, I feel like it might be wise to have a savings account for myself and put money away in it in case I ever decide I'm done with the marriage. Not just because of this but anything that might come up in the future.
@neonSummer8296
Yes, your ideas about how the finances could be shared better are good ones.
It isn't manipulative if you're scared because it is an actual fact that until your husband heals from that past trauma, you would pretty much be on your own handling the abuse if it showed up in your home. That is scary for anyone. As you have already mentioned, your husband is currently under treatment and medication for the PTSD and anxiety and isn't functional without meds. Perhaps it might be sensible to keep away the additional stress of trying to second guess his dad's behaviour until he has had time and space to heal and recover from his past. His concern for his mother's wellbeing is understandable but that is something he will need to discuss with her and you to find boundaries that are acceptable to everyone without making anyone uncomfortable. With new family, it is important to make sure everyone, including you, feels safe.
A savings account of your own is an excellent idea and it is common for married people to have a joint account to manage common expenses, and personal accounts for personal savings too.
@0m
It's good to know that I'm not crazy or selfish for thinking the way I am. I think I'll start setting up the finances that way.
I don't expect his parents, or at least his father to move in with us for a few years still since just immigration stuff will probably take that long. My concern is though that my husband's issues are not going to heal anytime soon, if ever. He has been out of his father's house for 7-8 years now, halfway across the world and he still has not managed heal. Admittedly, I didn't know him back then so it's possible his condition has improved a lot since then, but that's a long time to be stuck with the same issues, despite getting help for it. He did stop getting therapy for it around 2 years ago though and hasn't started it up again despite saying he wants to be better. I think that it might be best to hold off on a direct conversation with him about this until it gets closer to when they will start staying with us, so I have more reasons to convince him it's a bad idea, or maybe things will change and I won't even have to have that conversation.
@neonSummer8296
Yes, sounds like a good plan for both aspects, the finance and the family.
About his work and interview situation - you mentioned that he has stopped taking therapy the past 2 years despite not having healed from the trauma. Do you think the irritability and sudden moody behaviour you have noticed might be coming through during tricky parts of interviews? Most top level interviewers are seasoned people readers and pick up on body language and attitudes sharply. Sometimes even if he hasn't gotten the offer, he can request detailed feedback, which can help him prepare better for the next one.
@0m
His irritability and moody behavior generally comes around when he hasn't taken his meds. He'll get annoyed, yell at me, or pick a fight with me without a legitimate reason and i usually know why it's happening but that doesn't make it okay for him to do it and it definitely doesn't mean that I'll be okay with him saying whatever he wants.
As far as interviews go, I think it's mainly his anxiety that ruins things for him. Part of the interviews are coding rounds and he gets stressed out about those and makes silly mistakes (according to him). I think part of it may also be his attitude, he can be pretty rude if the other person isn't being flexible with him or pushing for more details about his answers. I understand how stressful it can be to have someone test you on your skills and it's difficult to think straight during that time but it's inexcusable if you're losing out on offers because you have a bad attitude. He does ask them for detailed feedback and they provide it for any technical rounds he didn't pass but they keep it professional if the reason he didn't pass was because of his attitude and just tell him it wasn't a good fit right now or the competition was tough. He has anger issues and if he's already anxious or stressed, he lashes out for the smallest things and it doesn't matter who's on the receiving end. It has never gotten physical with me and both him and his family/friends tell me that he has gotten much better since I came into his life but his reactions are still disproportionate or just uncalled for at times and he doesn't seem to understand how that ruins things for him despite me explaining it as nicely as possible.
This one I'm really at a loss for other than to keep him on his meds and not do anything that I know will upset him. Generally that works but sometimes, he'll be completely fine with something and then will pick a fight with me about it the next day. He does it during his interviews too. For example, for one of them, his interviewers told him a week in advance that he'll need to share his screen during the interview for a coding round and to be prepared for it, which he agreed to. When the interview rolled around, he refused to share his screen saying it's his company laptop and the information is confidential, and then picked a fight with them when they said they can't conduct the interview if he isn't sharing his screen. It's reasonable that he didn't want to share his screen on the company laptop since that can get ugly if something is accidentally leaked but they also gave him ample time to prepare for that situation and he dismissed that it might be an issue and expected them to just drop their requirements and accommodate for him.
Actually that right there could be a valid reason for not receiving an offer. He was attending interviews on his work laptop - that is against the code of conduct for most companies in regards to official equipment and permissible uses. It reflects negatively on the integrity and ethics. If he didn't respect the current employer's boundaries, how is he expected to respect the next one?
I don't think that has been a reason for him not receiving offers since the work culture in his field seems to be more relaxed than most others. His employer is okay with him taking interviews or accessing personal accounts as long as nothing is leaked since they expect their employees to be at their beck and call so there's no separation between work and life. They also monitor their employees' activities on the company laptops so it's really more of a privacy issue for him than his employer.
I think part of the reason for him not being able to crack his interviews might also be life events going on, since we did recently get married and his parents were still around until last week, we moved to a new place in the middle, had a period where we fought 3-4 times in a week for a couple of weeks straight, financial stress, and some issues with his father and his sister have been ongoing. All of those are major stressors and it can't be easy to try to do well in interviews with all of those on his mind.
Earlier today, he actually said that he was planning to bring his father to stay with us in the future but with the way he acts, having him stay with us might just take away our peace of mind, even if it's our responsibility. I think it might be a good time right now to convince him that bringing his father here is only going to ensure that all of us will be miserable for the rest of our lives. I don't want to outright say that to him since I'm new to the family and I don't want to look like I'm making judgments and trying to decide how things should go, even though this is about who will be staying in our future home with us and interacting with our family. What's a good way to bring it about while making it seem like it's his idea?
@neonSummer8296
The only way to bring it about with him believing it is his idea, is to actually wait until it is his idea. When people make important decisions, they usually ponder (and potentially discuss) the pros and cons. When he is considering the possibility of them moving with you, it is reasonable to ask whether he anticipates any sort of issues or worries with the plans?