When your partner isn't quite as responsible as you would like.
I am currently with someone long term, living together, have been together for over a decade. We only recently began to share a living space, and I am finding out little things about them and their habits that definitely leave something to be desired.
It's chores. ( isn't it always?? ) My partner was 1) socialized as male and 2) extremely neglected as a kid, which results in an interesting mixture of independence and lack of care for objects. they are messier than me, who grew up in a meticulous household and gets anxiety about mess. And on top of that, they are pretty forgetful.
I am not in the mood to be a replacement parent figure. we have been working on things for the past year or so, from little things like cleaning tips to the general thought processes of personal responsibility and the effects of shame. It's a small part of a larger picture that we are tackling, but being the person who has had to grow up far quicker, and burdened with responsibilities at a younger age, I can't help but be a little frustrated when I come home to find agreements broken about whether something would get done ( or not done).
And I do not think it is malicious at all. They are trying, but there are other factors in this too, like when they overwork themselves and don't have the energy for picking up after themselves, or just in general they do not see their way of doing things as a big deal. ( and maybe they really aren't, but i would like to not have bent charger cables, you know?)
Anyway, I have been practicing having patience with them, and it's sort of working, but I also need to be taken care of sometimes too. I can't always be the most responsible person in the room. ( this happens to me at work too, and it's really wearing on me. )
How can I help this along?
@affableStrings4654 Hi. I have your desire for order, and yet I have your partner’s lack of discipline. Lots of people join a gym, and then…lots of them don’t go to the gym. There are lots of motivational speakers, and they can’t convince people to follow through and go to the gym. So you asked, “how can I help this along?” A whip. A carrot on a stick. Adjust your standards. Or all of the above.
@helpfulAvocado7912
oh, i am definitely one of those people who can't get themselves to the gym!
@affableStrings4654
Moving in together cab definitely reveal a lot of habits. I hear you when you say that you don't want to be a replacement parent figure. I'm glad you are trying your best to be patient and understanding though! It's very understandable that you feel frustrated at times though. Especially, if you were raised in opposite ways. You've done well in taking steps and proposing solutions. What are your thoughts on specific chore list? Maybe it will help to have it specified as particular tasks. Please remember to practice some self-care as well and look after yourself. <3 💛
@innateJoy9602
thank you!
we are both trying our best. I think it is a matter of time and effort. I'm just tired. I recently came out of a long term relationship with someone else who was very combatant about being held accountable for things, so I'm a little burnt out on defending myself and trying things. but my current partner is aware, and very thoughtful in light of this. Just very forgetful.
@affableStrings4654 Is couples counseling or individual counseling for your partner an option? I relate to your partner a lot as someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother who yelled at me when making mistakes instead of actually helping me learn the skills that I lacked, so I've largely had to teach myself. At times, I have actually turned to paying someone to come over for an hour once a week to help me or asked for help from a mutual aid community group. Is there a mutual friend who could come over and help clean with your partner?
I think it's also absolutely fair to express that you want more support and to feel taken care of and are feeling frustrated. If they care about you, they should be open to improving. It's also okay to feel like things aren't improving enough and your needs aren't being met.
@Daydreamer47
thank you!
My partner is definitely willing to try and change their habits, but that's not something that can happen overnight, and on top of that, there's a mental component to reminding yourself to do things. Their main hurdle with this is remembering to do certain things while juggling a lot of their own personal things, time management, and energy management. They're all sort of connected, and a thing we are working on. They are really good about doing laundry on time, and cooking, but not so good at putting the clothes away after. I have sort of tried to introduce mental systems that I use to remember to do things, like checking a room every time i leave it, or cleaning as I go. But If you aren't used to doing those things and don't come up with it yourself, it's harder to make it part of your process. I learned how to do it from the fear of retribution from my own parental figure, which I am still in therapy for, so i don't actually know a healthy way to implement this for another person, and I don't want to try the way I learned. XD
I have thought of maybe trying a reward system, but I don't know how to manage one of those yet.
@affableStrings4654, the first thing i would do is have a conversation with them. Let them know what you are thinking and ask them what they think
@wpn1cjd
Unfortunately, we are several months of conversations in, and it's not out of lack of trying on their part. It's just complicated and a strange mix of finding time and brain-wrestling that needs to be done.
@affableStrings4654, dont give up. Keep an open mind, be patient and stay positive for sure
@affableStrings4654 It can always be hard moving in with someone new I am glad your are so sympathetic to your partners situation! Knowing that their lack of organization is not meant to hurt you shows a lot of trust and love in your relationship. I really appreciate the patience you are showing. How do you feel your partner could better take care of you and your needs?
This is a interesting topic
I'mcurrently not in a relationship as of yet but I would love to be and I need to be loved in this way abd I have for a very very long time now. I haven't dated a woman before and I'm very impatient on her arrival into my life.
I'm currently 33 and I'm actually mentally younger in age like more like a 20 yr old ish. I don't always let that get to me very often but It can feel like I'm not as responsible as I should be alot but my mind doesn't always allow me to be older than I should. I deserve to be loved as well and accepted as me for me so I'm sure your partner us trying their very best in the ways they can and you can help along the ways ti show them how to help more.
I wouldn't want my partner to give up on me as your not with your partner!! Thats wonderful and important to do
Iwouldn't want my partner to give on me either. ❤❤❤
@Leanna3333 I can understand where you are coming from and of course you deserve to be loved. At the same time, I feel like you should consider seeking professional help and working on yourself to be more ready for a relationship. A romantic partner can be supportive and help in ways they can, but it also needs to be mutual and should be an equal partnership. They shouldn't really take on a role of a parent or therapist.
Thats very true I totally understand what you're saying. I totally agree with you! I'm actually in therapy have beenfir quite some time now working on myself along the way. Self growth is so important too as well. Has helped so much.
😄 im all for self growth so important.
Partnership definitely needs to be equal between both people. You're so right. Nobody is perfect but thats ok you make your own kind of perfect in the imperfections ❤❤❤❤
