Why do I make myself cry?

Hey to everyone here, I’m new to this app and forum so forgive me if this is the wrong place for my message.

My ex and I broke up almost two months ago and after we initially broke up, I cried my heart out. But then I was okay and I never cried again. Last night something reminded me of all the good memories that we had together so I wanted to feel sad (I’m not sure why I wanted to do this to myself, still working on this) so I looked my ex up and I saw recent videos of him talking. And him talking was one of my favourite things about him. I then felt sad but had to remind myself that it was not a good relationship. There were red flags that I should’ve seen. I know he doesn’t deserve my tears of crying for him and he hasn’t. He still occupies my thoughts though. I emotionally tried to make myself cry by thinking of our old good memories and listening to sad music. Why did I want to make myself cry? Why would I do that to myself? Any insight would be helpful! Also when I did cry, it lasted for about 1 minute and then I was done crying and I felt emotionless again with no tears. I’m not used to expressing my feelings or telling people anything so this is new to me. Oh I should also note, a couple days ago, I was having really bad anxiety where everything felt off and I really just wanted to go home, be away from people and listen to music. Any tips to feeling better would also be appreciated! I do write things down and record how I’m feeling but last night just didn’t seem to help.