am I expected too much?
I'm in a relationship now, but before guys would only try to get in bed with me. It's hard for me to believe in romance. I know love is not like a romance, but everytime I'm at my boyfriends place and wake up, he's not in bed with me, because he woke up earlier. I would rather want him to wake me then leaving me in bed, to wake up in an empty bed. It's just...It brings back memories, which I don't really want to talk about. But is it too much to ask for a morning kiss or a short "hey btw I'm awake, I'll be gone now" I have big trust and abandonment issues. Or are my expectations maybe too much?
I understand how waking up alone can be eerie. My partner and I have a rule that we don’t get out of bed without one another. Which doesn’t always work out when we’re on different work schedules, but we at least kiss the other on the forehead before having to leave for work. That’s like our “secret handshake” to let the other know we’re leaving without waking them up.
It was working in the past, but it changed after covid. My partner usually wakes up earlier than me, would wake me up and give me a hug or a kiss right before he went to work. Even if I wasn't really awake. I told him that I want it to be like that again. So we will work on that together.
Seems to me you’re doing things in this situation you’re not comfortable with…perhaps to keep things a certain way in your life? Why would your expectations be too much? You’re wanting not to feel devalued or like a stranger by someone you entrusted a lot to - prematurely I’m guessing. Again, seems to me you’re not listening to your own emotional needs for safety and respect, rather doing things to get something? Seems to me to be a call to re-evaluate a few things in your life. And the bringing back memories is called PTSD, something you would benefit from addressing.
thank you for your reply, I was thinking a lot about what you said. PTSD sounds about right I think, from what I researched, it might be the case. It's difficult, usually I'm a very independent person especially when it came to mental health. Now I feel kind of like I'm depending emotionally on him, like I need him to be there for me everytime I feel like I'm falling.
@indigoOrange9898,
I understand. You have a basic need, nothing wrong with that. If your boyfriend truly loves you, like unconditionally, not like just a romantic love (the ones you see in Hollywood movies), then he will understand if you talk to him about your needs, and any traumatic experiences you might have had in the past.
If he understands, then you got yourself what seems like a "safe place", to talk with a professional therapist about your trust and abandonment issues. I would advice you to seek professional help anyway. Your issues otherwise might start to life a live of their own, and making it hard at least to really bond with others.
Take care.
Thank you all for your reply, Over time I realised how many issues I have and I should maybe consider talking to a professional therapist about these issues.
@indigoOrange9898 hi there, i'm ari, thank you for sharing this <3
first of all, what you're saying is completely normal. there is a big difference in attachment issues, bpd, anxiety disorder and just feeling normally insecure about something. you are the latter. all you want is reassurance and affection from your partner. read that again. doesn't that sound normal to you? you've been hurt repeatedly in the past & you're wary of everything that's now happening.
now then, once you've understood that, the next thing is to understand that direct communication is the key to any relationship. in a relationship, your partner is not a mind-reader but someone you need to talk to so that they can accomodate you (they accomodate you because they love you and care about your thoughts and feelings) you're able to form these thoughts and identify the issue, that's good. that's the first step. the next step is to talk to your partner about this. start with "hey, ___ you do doesn't make me feel very good, i'd prefer if you ____" and gauge his reaction.
most of the time, they'll listen to you and you'll resolve it. and find a solution. if not, then you need to seriously consider your relationship, you'll have the answer right there. if, even after bringing up the issue, they do nothing to change. it's time to consider the integrity of the relationship.
hope that helps a bit <3
No it's not too much. A man who really loves you will do cute things to make you feel loved by his own you never to ask for that. A man who really loves you will pay attention to you & will do little things to show his affection & love always. (Like I did to her. I have her everything I had, loved her selflessly & always tried to make her smile by doing little things but got played).