can’t bring myself to leave.

to start, hello everyone i hope everyone is having a nice new year’s eve so far.

my boyfriend and i have been struggling for a while now in our relationship, the main reason being both our mental health not being the greatest. i am struggling with a lot of anxiety and depressive episodes that has gotten me to lack motivation in a lot of life. whilst my boyfriend is struggling with not really being present in his own life in a sense where he feels lost and he’s stuck in this routine living the same days over.

we’ve had a rough couple days. with the anxiousness, whenever i go to panic mode because my thoughts move at 1000 miles isn’t only solution is to talk about it. which i’m aware that it’s never going to be the best solution acting on feelings or impulse. i called him the other night because of it and he was very willing to listen to me. we stayed up till 7 am talking about how we both felt with ourselves and with each other. it was a lot of back and fourth trying to figure out if being in a relationship was what was best for us. we would both go back and fourth because we would bring up breaking up and how that was just impossible to picture, it was just an emotional taxing night for both of us, we just didn’t have the answers for each other but we love each other so much and we knew we were both hurting for different reasons. i mentioned things i’d never told him, a lot of the pain i went through alone because i didn’t want to worry him or bother him and he cried for so long. he was hurting, saying he’s never had someone care for him so much and that it was surreal and he felt like *** for not being the person i ‘deserved’. i didn’t see it like that though, it hurt me to see him feel so guilty because i never thought of him as less.

i came to his house next day (on impulse, shocker..) and basically had the same conversation but this time it felt worse considering i know we were both running on basically no energy. i regret going because we should’ve had the space to compose, but i was too anxious and the idea of being uncertain of what we were going to do had sent me over the edge. i saw the look on his face when we would talk and i bet i had the same. just drained. when i asked him what he wanted again, he said “i don’t want either” and he explained that he didn’t want to leave because he didnt want to do this without me, he didn’t want to break me even more and that just being alone would’ve been better for everyone. then he explained he didn’t want to stay if something like this would happen again and hurt either of us more. when he mentioned both it had left me honestly left me confused. i always believed in him despite how he felt about himself because i know he’s a good person, he’s been through so much and continues to be the person he is. hearing him talk about how how bc of how he feels he goes into his own little world because he doesn’t want to feel anything just hurt me.

all of it hurts, i don’t know what to do.