does laying all cards on table seem like a good idea
i have hard a very rocky relationship in the last few years....my spouse seems like a person i no longer know
i have tried the talking the watching each statement to be a "i feel" type thing instead of being accusatory .... i have admitted my role is situation which he eats up like yep see it is all your fault .......
i can no longer do this .... simply not worth it........
i have chatted with someone else ...................we communicate great we fill each others need to be wanted and heard and appreciated ........ i love him and he feels the same .......
i just do not think even if my spouse would make an effort that i would care anymore........
i do not want to pour gas on a fire but i want to scream sometimes "it is not that hard to be a great guy cause my other friend is "
I do not want to expose my friendship........ but i can no longer take being treated like crap from my spouse...... my reason for keeping secret has zero to do about my spouse but my feelings for my friend ...........
@toughTiger6481
Hey TT,
Not an easy one, and feel for you, i guess you need to decide how much you want it with you current partner, is it worth the fight.
Have you thought about seeing someone together for help?
from where i sit and situations I've been in you wont be able to based on your new friend, the more feeling you develop for him will push your partner away, i feel your comparing them but relationship is very different so its not apples to apples,
I guess you need to give you partner one more chance laying some stuff out on the table to see it its worth the fight, this might mean backing away from your new friend a little so you can work on you
You shouldn't be treated like crap that's for sure, but if you going to leave, or stay do it for whats right for you, no one else
Hope that make sense -
good luck
@selfconfidentLion107@selfconfidentLion107
thank you for your response .......things to think about
the idea of therapy will not work ..........as he has pulled away so far ....maybe he suspects i have other interest .... and he never participates in anything it would be a waste of time and effort. i have given every benefit of the doubt to him regarding his mental state or whatever but it only gets worse
I tried very hard to NOT compare ...........but you are right it is not helping....
my friend and i met over shared issues with his spouse and me with mine.....
we had hoped to be a sounding board or a person to see from another perspective .......... we both are treated badly by spouses that have lost any feelings for us.... or so it seems........
at first it helped in many ways ... we shed light on how items could be misread etc......
i saw how what i was saying was not working ........and tried to stay away from phrases that were not helping...... i began to see how my words could be taken wrong etc....... i tried to be a sounding board for him as well but as we talked we could not see what we were doing to deserve the treatment we are getting...... we both wanted so much to have the partners in our life WAKE the hell up before we walk away
talking was so easy .......sharing and laughing we even exchanged photos and began video chatting.......i know in that sort of thing you put on your best self....... and if we were together IRL perhaps he has faults i would hate in time and he may not like the IRL me either.......but it is just so much better then the present ...............something else happened we grew to like ........then love each other.
I know it has made our relationships harder to bear as we see how easy it is to get along with someone...to lift each other up and stop the pain ...............
perhaps my partner sees me smile and thinks things are better .......when in reality my smile is for someone else ...... my better mood is not that real life is better but a fantasy world has taken my thoughts. I feel wanted / appreciated and loved and frankly cannot remember when the last time my spouse made me feel that way.......in many ways i feel things my Spouse NEVER made me feel in all the time we have been together....... i tried to tell myself that i was just not remembering correctly .....but i have scoured my memories and tried to think of being happy and the moments were all too brief. ....
i feel like a jerk for complaining .... but the abuse....... i take is emotional .......and no one else sees the scars ..and cannot sympathize when they think it is a he said / she said thing............. i almost wish it was physical.. ( that is a messed up thought .........but a black eye or broken something gets attention but someone treating you as stupid and ugly is just my imagination) .... so people would notice it is NOT me....... and it is real .........
everything said is backhanded......... with double meaning...... and so i look like i am over sensitive even though i KNOW what was meant........regardless if he claims i took it out of context..... actions speak so much louder then words........i used to think ....... that abuse was hitting ........but this has left wounds that simply will NOT heal ........ an action or words rip it wide open when i think it is getting better........
I am so tired and done with hoping he can be fixed ...... he claims items that are completely BS about he had a bad childhood and did not learn better ......... he was better for years ........that the hate and vile has only spilled out in last 5-6 years... i have asked what changed if i did something he claims nothing he is the same it is not the same.... our kids see it ask what happened to him .... I do not know
I know life is not what he wants and i am an easy verbal punching bag ......i do not think he even sees what he is doing as abuse.......
but what hurts worse is how i feel about him NOW .... he is having health issues and i literally hoped it would be very BAD to end this ...... .......who does that ? ...... who wishes for something like that?
i used to think this was not really that bad .............but since meeting my friend i feel beautiful and listened to and confident i walk taller and smile more ........ and I see more clearly the real damage that has been done by someone who always made me feel LESS THAN ........ i thought if only he could see me and be nice and compliment me or appreciate me....
I do not think explaining that to partner will help...... only hurt ...... sometimes my anger is so great i would love to hurt him ..........but i do not want my friend exposed.....
I have spent a LONG time with spouse .......yet I want to protect a person i have known for 1.5 years over a person i have shared over half my life with.....
I know it will hurt so bad to end things with my friend and that simply will not save my relationship from the ashes ..... but i think our wanting to be together is making our home life unbearable.
Thanks for sharing.
That is a tough situation. All I can tell is to love yourself first.
I totally understand.
Have you ever considered to separate for a while, like a few months. No contact.
So both of you can sort yourself out a bit.
I have been in a similar situation and wished I had been able to move out. Could not afford
I got in a bad place. Finally, my wife found emotional support elsewhere. I was not there for myself let alone for her.
She experienced all you described. I found out. I got triggered, a lot She always denied more was going on. And her denial kept me being triggered and well, we will be divorced.
Some time apart might help to put things into perspective. Your husband might see the light and start working on himself. That is something he has to figure out himself.
And then still, it might be too late. I worked hard on myself, changed, but too late for us.
As for that friend you have feelings for, maybe it is a good idea to step back a bit. Step out of the whole situation. In situations like this people are prone to make emotional decisions. And those are always the worst kind one can make. And there is no way back.
@dukeofdearham
yes we have been separated ...... in fact i am just back from a 2 week house sitting thing i did ......
i did not initiate any connection ... he called with video....... made small talk and literally was watching TV when ever i would speak .... i was so angry and upset. I asked about it tonight when I am home and he said .... "you are so boring why would i listen " .
i had another 2-3 weeks away about a month ago...... he seemingly had no effect did not seem to miss me or give a crap about what i was doing......... he sees nothing wrong with himself .....
he is a petty bitter person ..... we have new (semi ODD) neighbors moved in about 6 months ago ......they made friends with all the neighbors ... some we have never even spoke to in 6 years........ because he is so anti social ...
he was making fun of new neighbor and i pointed out this person has more friends in neighborhood then him ......so who really was the real FREAK and who do they think is an ass ..........................
he started to make changes addressing some long overdue issues .........but that only angered me as I was NEVER ENOUGH to make changes .... some new person he does not even like IS ? .....
but he wants to compete and so he is trying.....
what the hell does that say about his messed up priorities ?
i appreciate your candor about your situation............. and i never meant the other to develop this way ..... i thought i would feel guilty and remorseful but I DON'T ..........
even if it looks bad i simply do not care being happier is so worth it.
@toughTiger648,
you seemed to have entered the blaming game, I guess quite some time ago.
Those kind of patterns are killing for any kind of relationship. I am not judging you, it is merely an observation.
I cannot tell you what to do. Apart from, love yourself first. My wife formulated it this way in an email she sent me months ago "I love you, and I love myself too".
I have no idea why your husband behaves the way he does. Was he always like this? If not, something must have happened to him. And I understand perfectly you got to a point you feel like you don't care anymore and just want out.
As they say, love is a verb. You both have to put effort in a relationship and keep on doing that. In time, the closer you get, the better you get to know each other, the easier it gets. But then, things might happen, and unfortunately often we deal with them not when we should, meaning, immediately. You know, little cracks, little rifts, and we don't talk. Telling ourselves, "they will go away, we are just having a hard time", or we put our boundaries aside. Another thing that happens often when things are not going OK is to point at the other. Whereas the question should be "what can I do to improve the relationship, not the other, but I".
The kind of separation I was referring to is one that is for months, like 6.
Anyway, maybe you have a close friend who stands out in listening, and can sort of hold a mirror in front of you. So you get an answer to the question "what do I really want".
And it feels to me that you want you. How to get to you is something you have to figure out yourself.
What I do is to simply listen to my heart. And allow pain, hurt I feel. And embrace them with love.
@dukeofdearham
I agree with many items you spoke of ...... i should have done the 6 month thing but these 2-3 week periods was what i could afford to do.....
I do not want to get into the blame game and i actually told him that i have not been in a good place with myself and my responses to our issues were tainted by my mental outlook .....
he took that as it is ALL my fault he is blameless .....i was trying to be the bigger person and hoped he would fess up his part...... NOPE
NO he was not like this forever .... i tried to see what happened........ but he is not a sharing person in fact when he just told me his health had taken a turn for the worse.............. he had been looking for new doctor as the insurance he has is not good ..... so he researched and made appointments long before telling me and then is like......... "oh i will be late on this day as i am seeing a specialist" .....
all his behavior seems to be like i am not worthy of being included.........or it is an after thought ....he once needed surgery and only told me because surgeon would not do it unless he had a support person............ we WERE married with kids.....doctor said he never mentioned being married.
@toughTiger6481
TT,
Thanks' for sharing more of your story, makes a bit more sense now, A lot of good points made and covered above,
Many people now days just walk away its too easy without giving it there all to save there relationship, I understand many of your points, and do understand where your coming from, you do need to be happy, safe, treated well, loved & cared for etc
Sound like you have made up your mind already on what you want to do, but just haven't done it yet. What's holding you back is the question i would ask?
For me leaving should be you last option after you have put all effort in to be resolved. (you may be there already)
like above i just don't think you can make an honest decision with having your new friendship involved, its not fair on both of them and more importantly you. you need to make decision with clear head that's all, if you leave leave for you not for new relationship
The grass is not always greener on the other side that's why you need to make the decision for you only
Life is hard, Relationships are hard, they need work, daily work, all relationships drift apart, people change and grow,
so i have been doing the work in trying to really understand my feelings ......i can be easy to not understand how i have gotten to where i am.
I have watched videos and listened to podcasts and read articles on marriage issues etc.
Many many points of view many many only designed to try to save the marriage ......... all while friends will say leave asap etc....
my feeling have changed for spouse ..... in any marriage that happens right..... except it is not just past the fun honeymoon stage to same old marriage love..... i feel disconnected and sometimes real HATE
the work tells me to examine PIES with spouse
Physical --- that attraction is GONE for a few reasons ... one is he let himself go and come to think of it never asked me if i liked how he had hair/ facial hair etc.... i doubt he really considered my thoughts....ever
Intellectual ---- we used to have no issue with this but lately in last few years he has shown disrespect of my opinions and thoughts.... i will for example look and reserve a rental for a vacation we took ... HE had to get on same site he assured me he could/ would find a better deal or better accommodations ... he never found anything that met those requirements and we used my rental BUT the continued attempts each time i even look for things clearly shows he does not think i am smart enough to do things....
Emotional -----this is very tied to the last category as the resentment and disrespect has my emotions on the verge...... he does not listen to me .... or takes my ideas then regurgitates them as his own.
i tried for a year to always say "I love you" to him and NOW realize i was trying to convince myself not him ..... he does not care and in fact mocked me when i told him i was alone even when he was in the room .... he danced around singing "i am alone i am alone "
Spiritual-------i do not think we ever had connection here although we do share some same values his change with the wind........
very hard to do this work as i think my recollections are tainted by my deep unhappiness i feel
The only reason i am here is simple
that a Online friend that i feel connected to is also married.
we live a long distance away from each other....
I know he has very similar issues with wife too ......but as we are a bit older we did believe the whole til death thing ..... and divorce would really hit us both financially ..... when older it is not like you have time to recoup.
@toughTiger6481
Your right, there are going to be many options for a lot of different reason, i really understand what your saying, going through some stuff too,
you need to do what's right for you, and unfortunately only you can make that decision, its hard, either way you will have up and down feelings on either options and you will received many different opinions again,
there is a lot to think about that's for sure. but its your decision ..
Happy if you want to bounce more ideas off, and would like to here of your decision, i do wish you all the best (not going to be easy and a lot of work both ways)
Staying strong and positive will help